Two guys in a bar, throwing darts
Ivan
-But really man, the cat?
Bill
Yes! The cat!
Ivan
That doesn’t make any sense.
Bill
Yeah
Ivan
It’s senseless
Bill
Yeah
Ivan
I mean, I could understand if it was, like, a physical possession, y’know? Like a watch or a guitar or even a car or something. But your cat? (Beat) Did- Was there like, tension between her and the uh, what’s it’s name?
Bill
Purrsnikitty
Ivan
(Beat) Purrsnikitty?
Bill
Yeah
Ivan
(Beat) Spell it.
Bill
P U R R S N I K I T T Y
Ivan
(Beat) I don’t know man, with a name like Purrsnikitty I might want to fuck the cat up too.
Bill
What?
Ivan
I mean I’d probably kick it from time to time at least
Bill
I’m really not in a good way right now man, so if you can’t help I’m gonna-
Ivan
No No man. Of course of course. I’m sorry. That was very insensitive of me. I’m sorry.
Bill
It’s fine
Ivan
So. . . Was there tension? Did they not, y’know, get along?
Bill
They DID man! That’s what’s so fucked up about it! I thought she loved that cat. I know the cat loved her. They were always spooning on the couch watching T.V. Snickens would wake her up by licking her eyelids. She would even bring home treats and things for her. I mean, that’s part of the reason I was so into her, because she was so into Purrsnikitty.
Ivan
Well then man, maybe it was for the best, y’know? I mean, if there was all this love on the outside, but then this psychotic sneaky demon on the inside then maybe it’s better. You don’t want anyone in you life that you can’t trust with your animals. If you cant trust them with your innocent animals, then you cant trust them with you heart. (Beat) I think that’s a saying somewhere. If it’s not then it should be.
Bill
(Beat) I suck at darts.
Ivan
Wanna play Buck Hunter? They got the safari version here with the chicks in short shorts stroking shotguns.
Bill
Nah. Maybe I should split. I gotta – Oh shit!
Ivan
What?
Bill
Oh shit man! She’s here!
Ivan
Who’s here?
Bill
Suzy
Ivan
Suzy?
Bill
Yeah man, the bitch that shaved Purrsnikitty. Fuck man. What do I do?
Ivan
Want me to go punch her?
Bill
(Looks at him) No man! Are you crazy?
Ivan
No. I don’t know. I’m just sayin’.
Bill
I think she saw me. Fuck! Just, just stand there for a second. Play darts or something. (He does. Bill goes down on one knee behind Ivan, trying to hide. Suzy enters, stops and looks at them both)
Suzy
Hi Bill.
Bill
(Not looking up) Hmm- what?
Suzy
Bill!
Bill
Huh? (Gets up and turns to her) Oh! Hey Suzy! I uh, I was tying my shoes. That’s, that’s why I was hiding- I mean not hiding but uh, being down there.
Suzy
Listen, Bill. We need to talk.
Bill
Well, Suzy. I don’t see what there is to talk about. You shaved Purrsnikitty and you broke my heart. Whatever you were trying to say with those actions you said pretty loud and clear.
Ivan
Loud and fucking clear.
Suzy
That’s what I’m talking about, Bill. I feel really bad about that.
Bill
Do you feel bad, Suzy? Well I bet you don’t feel as bad as Snickens. I bet you’re a lot warmer too.
Ivan
A hell of a lot warmer.
Suzy
I- I don’t know what to say Bill. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I’ve done and why I did it. Sometimes, when I want something so bad, I can’t handle sharing that thing with something else. I get- mental. I know that it seemed like everything was really great between me and Purrsnikitty, and it was for a while. But then things changed. As my feelings for you grew deeper, I began to resent her. She stole precious affections from you that I wanted for myself. And, I know that this may be difficult for you to hear, especially now and especially from me, but Snickens knew it. And she began playing games with me. Taunting me. Shooting me looks from behind your leg while you weren’t looking. Coyly licking her paws while she sat on your lap, knowing that she was taking the seat that I wanted the most. Waking me up at night with whispers in my ear of “He’s mine, He’s mine.” All this I took, because of my love for you, Bill. But, last week was the straw that broke this camel’s back. You had left the apartment earlier in the morning and I was on my way out. I got ready, grabbed my purse, and headed for the door, when I smelled something. I was so mystified as to where the vile smell was coming from. It seemed to follow me everywhere. Then I discovered the location of the stench. It was coming from under my arm. Purrsnikitty had defiled my purse. I went blind with rage and, well, I can’t remember much of what happened after. The next thing I knew I was at the bus stop, sobbing, and holding this. (From her purse, she produces a ziploc bag full of cat hair. Pause.) I’m so sorry Bill. If you could only understand that this happened because I love you so much and that I never intended to hurt you. It was personal. (She moves closer to him) If, maybe not today, but someday, you could find it in you heart to forgive me. I promise Bill, to take the abuse. And to make you the happiest man on earth.
(They are close now, looking into each other’s eyes with the bag of fur between them. They are close to kissing, then)
Bill
I think you’d better leave, Suzy.
Suzy
But Bill-
Bill
(Silences her) I’ve heard enough. (Suzy turns and starts to leave) Suzy. (She turns, expectantly) Take this with you (He tosses her the bag of fur). You can cry yourself to sleep on it. (Suzy exits)
Ivan
(Has been watching all of this, and is dumbstruck)
Wow man. . .You really love that cat.
Bill
My father gave me Purrsnikitty. . . and that was the last time I kissed my father on the lips.
LIGHTS
Art and Music in Our Souls 