Steve, Denise, and Victor all sitting in a living room,

enjoying each others company. Denise and Victor are

married. They have all been drinking, Denise maybe

more than the others. They are all laughing.

Steve

(Delivering the punch line to a joke or story) -and so I

said “wait a minute, I am from the old country. I am a

distinguished gentleman! (Everyone laughs and

laughs…)

Denise

Oh Steve you are just a riot!

Steve

No, no I just have amazing luck! (They laugh)

Victor

You do. You do have amazing luck…AND your a riot!

(They all laugh some more)

Denise

(As the laughter dies down, wiping the tears from her

eyes) Oh, that was rich. That was rich. I laughed so

hard I nearly had an orgasm. (Beat) But that’s wishful

thinking! (She laughs hard at her own joke, Steve

laughs a little, but uncomfortably. He’s looking at

Victor, who is not laughing)

Victor

(Dead pan) That’s hysterical, Denise. I laughed so

hard I almost remembered why I married you.

Denise

(Delivering another punchline) Well, at least

something is hard around here! Zing! (She laughs

again) Am I right Steve, or am I right?

Steve

I uh- um…

Denise

I mean, c’mon. Y’know?

Victor

Denise-

Denise

Do you know how long it’s been, Steve?

Victor

(Again, dead pan)You’re a she-devil.

Denise

Gimme a guess. Cʼmon gimme a guess.

Victor

You’re mother was right about you-

Steve

I don’t think I should really be-

Denise

WRONG! Guess again.

Victor

You were an accident.

Steve

Listen, why don’t –

Denise

(Making the abrasive sound of a buzzer) AAAAAAA!

Wrong again. You suck at this game Steve. (She goes

to make a punch line again) But at least somebody-

(She tries to throw the joke to Victor, who just looks at

her and smolders) Aww cʼmon honey, that was your

joke.

Victor

Steve, Iʼm really sorry about this. Perhaps weʼve had

a bit too much to drink-

Denise

Whatʼre you doing?

Victor

(To Steve) I think that maybe before things get too out

of hand we shouldDenise

Whatʼre you doing? You donʼt have to apologize for

me-

Victor

Well obviously I do because-

Denise

(Beginning to talk over Victor) No no no no no You

donʼt do that Steve is my friend too (Victor and Denise

begin to yell at each other. For 10 seconds. The

yelling grows and culminates with Denise shouting the

lines) -so that I have to get my own Stimulus Plan!

Steve

Guys! Guys! Guys! This is ridiculous! We are all

adults here! You guys are my best friends, and this is

just too much! I know that we all have problems.

Heck, I’m not perfect. I can’t climax unless I’ve got a

bag on my head and a popsicle in my ass. The point

is, that we’ve got to communicate better. Because if

you’re not talking, then you’re not talking, ok?

Denise

(Nods. Ashamed) Yeah

Victor

(Looking at his wife) Yeah

Steve

Thatʼs great, guys. Thatʼs a great start. See, that

wasnʼt so bad, was it?

Victor

No

Denise

(Looking at her husband) No

Steve

Look at that. You guys are already on your way. Iʼm

really proud of you guys. Itʼs not everyday that two

people can come together like this and really work

through their problems.

Denise

(Moving to Victor) Oh honey, Iʼm so sorry. Itʼs all my

fault.

Victor

No dear, weʼre a team. From here on out, weʼre really

going to . . . Talk.

Denise

Oh, I love you, honey

Victor

Me too.

Steve

(Goes to the couple)You guys are great. Iʼm really

lucky to have friends like you in my life. (Beat) Now, I

donʼt know about you, but Iʼm ready for dessert! (He

goes to exit to the kitchen) So, who wantʼs a

popsicle? (They get the joke. Everyone laughs and

laughs.)

Victor and Denise

(Together) Oh, Steve!

Lights Motherfuckers

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