ROSEMARY, GIL, RATTY, DONOVAN gather for a meeting in a corporate conference room. They are just finishing up writing words on little bits of scrap paper, as GIL goes around collecting the scraps in a large sack.
GIL RA TTY DONOV AN
Is that 10 and 10? Oh yeah it is. Words that capture the spirit of what we’re about? Like our names?
GIL Anything man. Anything true and real. Ok ok ok. Guys. Hey ok hey guys. I think we
all know, it’s really time to crank this dial up and make some heat. We’ve been kicking things around now for too long and we’re not getting anywhere. My gmail is flooded with endless conversations about this, and if we really want to move this jam up to the next level, we need to come to a consensus. Today. Rosemary was cool enough to book us this meeting room at her office, and swipe some waters form the break room, and walk us through the guards at the front-desk. CitiGroup runs a secure building and that’s no small task. So thank you Rosemary.
Sorry about your bicycle.
GIL (to ROSEMARY) If you sign for it, they said they’ll give it back on the way out. (to ALL)
She’s a busy lady, and her boss is on lunch, and we’ve got this time, so let’s show some respect to her, and frankly, to ourselves, and make use of this blessing. You guys, seriously, it’s time to name this band.
ROSEMARY DONOV AN Yes!
RA TTY Pa-dow! As soon we lock down our name, I’m gonna grow out my beard, never wear a
shirt, and shave my fuckin’ head. Like a true bassist. And my name’s gonna be Rat Bastard. But you guys’ll call me Ratty. Then when people ask, “How’d you get that nickname Ratty?”, I’ll say, “It’s short for Rat Bastard.” Then I’ll pause and say,
“Nuff said.” That will be SICK!!
He gets real serious.
RA TTY That’s my phrase. ‘Nuff Said.’ I took it from the Thing in the Fantastic Four comics. If
people catch the reference, bang on , good for them, if not, it stands up on it’s own…Ratty-style.
GIL Yes. YES!!!!! That’s the kind of enthusiasm that I’d like to encourage. Ok. Good.
Sweet. Now that Veronica’s not singing for us anymore, it’s more important than ever to stay pumped. There’s a leadership vacuum, and I’d like to fill it.
ROSEMARY Wait, does that mean you think you’re the new singer?
GIL No. No. It doesn’t “mean” anything. Just trying to keep things moving.
ROSEMARY Well obviously the new singer’s me.
RA TTY (laughs) Uh, you’re the drummer, chica. You can‘t be the front man sitting in the back.
ROSEMARY I’m the only woman. You can’t have only one woman in a band and not have her be the
RA TTY Uhh…Smashing Pumpkins? Sorry babe. And following that model, if I’m gonna shave
my head (which I am) then I should be the singer. It’d be like a post-modern play on the later years of Billy Corgan and the Pumpkins. Then if people catch the reference, kickass. If not, still stands up…Ratty-style.
DONOV AN Maybe we don’t need a singer. In my first band, we wrote a badass song and couldn’t
think of any words, so we all just barked and called it “Dogs Take Over”.
GIL Ok. Ok. Ok. Well obviously, this is something we need to address, but we have other
loose ends to tie up first. Like our name. Our name is our truth. And for artists like us, total truth is everything. And before we can go forward at all, we need a new truth. Truth without Veronica. So in this bag, I have 40 adjectives and 40 nouns that conjure the essence of this group. This new group. I collected them, you wrote them. Now, you may be wondering why I asked you to do that.
To brainstorm a new band name? Wait!! No. I’m not done. Ok. Yes. So…enter: the vision box!
GIL pulls out a box labelled “Vision Box”, which looks like it was decorated by 4th-graders. It has a large hole in the top into which he dumps the contents of the bag.
GIL We’ve all written words that we think capture the spirit of what we’re about. So…from
this vision box full of true words, we’ll draw one adjective and one noun and that will be our band name! And guide our vision. Or, like, we’ll pick 3 band names and then vote.
Cool? Why didn’t we just use the bag?
He shakes the box.
Answerless, GIL looks at DONOVAN and makes a juddering facial expression that says, “Because…of course we can’t use the bag, idiot! DUH!!”
GIL Ok. We’re in agreement. Here goes. Now, let’s not judge the names right away. Let’s let
them land before we respond. Let their truth unite us. Rosemary, will you write these down? One adjective and one noun. Ok. Ok.
Ok. That was 2 nouns. Ok.
He shakes it up. And draws two slips of paper.
Puts them back. Shakes and draws again.
GIL Alright. The first name is…”Pissy Pussy-Wagon”.
ROSEMARY does a spit take.
DONOV AN (excited, to RATTY) Pussy-Wagon’s mine!
GIL Ok. Ok. The next name is…”Dirty Citigroup”
It lands for a beat. DONOVAN touches his heart.
GIL urges them to let it land. They do, uncomfortably.
He draws again.
Whoa. I think I feel something. Ummm. I don’t think legally we can use Citigroup in our band name. Sorry Donovan.
GIL Ok. Last try. We agreed to the rules, so seriously, this is it you guys.
Shakes and Draws.
GIL Ok. OK!! The third and final name of our new band is…”Ratty Style”.
RA TTY Yes! YES!!!! It a rock omen! Hello Cleveland, WE! ARE! RATTY STYLE! And I’m
your sweet ass singer/bassist…Rat Bastard! Suck it y’all! Suck it! Ratty style is the only style! Unh! Unh! Unh!
Are you guys dating?
She storms out. Everything was true. Awk…ward.
DONOV AN RA TTY GIL
Now how do I get my bicycle back?
We followed the rules. S’only natural, babe. I’m the only playah in this group who actually plays music for a
ROSEMARY Yeah, because you scrape by and choose to live like a college student, even though you
never went to college and you’re still on your parents’ cell phone plan. And you’re not single because you’re some kind of player. You just can’t afford a date or god forbid a relationship; you can only afford to hook up with girls at parties where there’s free beer. But you’ll never see them again because then you’d actually have to spend 5 dollars buying them a drink or yourself a new fucking shirt! Instead, you’ll probably spend that 5 dollars on…nothing. Since that’s all you make as a “professional” musician who plays for tips in a bar room karaoke band for other actual college students who are still too mature to name their own dick. Because that. Is fucking Ratty-style. And I won’t be part of it anymore.
Now Rosemary, we agr–
ROSEMARY Gil! This is a band. This is art, not your 4th grade classroom. There are no fucking rules!
And Donovan, we all know you’re gay and in love with Ratty. But give it up, Ratty’s not a homo, he’s just an ASSHOLE!!! Lock the conference room on your way out.