The view is lovely.

LAUREN shows MEL and ROB around an apartment.


MEL It is. What’s the neighborhood like?

LAUREN Oh it’s a lot of artists, artistic types. There’s a very

strong interest in live music. And fashion…alternatives. Complicated hairstyles.

MEL So it’s full of hipsters.

No. I woudn’t, um.



I think there are some people around here who are what you’re thinking of, but there are lots of people of…your kind of people here, as well.


Excuse me?

More. Urban. Professionals. It’s a very diverse, um, welcoming–Warm community, I mean.

(sweeping that under the rug) Good restaurants. Mmmmmmmm.

(she goes to the window)

Lots of Polish cuisine. Meats and Starch. There’s a Chinese place. Well, it’s just one of those chinsy little delivery places, nothing special but we’re sure glad it’s there. And umm,

(looking back to him) Ethiopian anyone? Oh, and there’s a delightful Mexican

restaurant just up the block. Very authentic. Well, so it seems to little Miss me. I like it. But you would know better than I would. Ah, I’m certainly no apologist–er– ANthropologist. Cultural expert. I just like what I like.

(with sudden seriousness)

But truly, it’s very good.

My kind? Well, both of your kinds.

(To Mel)


Just like mother used to make. I’m sure. I hope. What does your family do?


(hating that she’s fulfilling this woman’s stereotype)

My father’s a, um, landscape architect.

Mmm. Good.


That hangs there for a beat.

LAUREN The 2nd bedroom is very large, plenty of room for guests.

You could fit a whole extra family in there! Although we do ask that if you’re going to welcome anyone for an extended period of time, that you check with management about subleasing. It is, however, ample room to grow your own family. I know you’ll probably want to have a lot of kids.

MEL Well–

LAUREN Most of my clients around here send their children to private

schooling, but for those who can’t afford that, the area public schools are actually quite good. Not so terrifying as you might think! Your young ones would fit right in.

MEL Yes. Thank you.

LAUREN And if you’re people of faith (and you look like you are)

there a great number of places of worship nearby. There’s a beautiful catholic church just a few blocks east, Santa Maria del, um, Plago.

(She mumbles the end of the name uncertainly)

And I believe they hold dual language services in both, um English and…yes.

(she speaks to him)

Also, if you’re up for a bit of a healthy walk, sir, there’s a traditional, um. A church for…

ROB (Quiet and reserved until now. Now excited, speaking very stereotypically ‘street’. Way over the top.)

A black church?!


ROB Yeah. Mah cuzin Andre do that. He da preacher up in there.

LAUREN Yes, well it’s very close by.

ROB Dre man. He crazier n’ a muthah fucker. He be all like,

“praise Gawd!”, and fools be wylin’ out! Ha ha! That’s mah nigga!!


ROB Yo, speakin’ a church, y’all got a Church’s Chicken round

here? I cain’t live nowhere without my rib meat. Ya heard?

LAUREN pulls her cell phone out.

LAUREN Oh, I’m sorry, could you excuse me for just a moment while I

take this?

ROB Do yo thang girl.

LAUREN steps away to take her call. MEL turns to ROB.

MEL What the hell is wrong with you?

ROB(no trace of ‘street’)What?

MEL Just stop it.

ROB Baby, this woman is a racist!

MELWell this apartment is amazing, so get over it.

ROB I’m not paying this woman’s commission, just so she can gohome and tell the story about how she sold a place to a ‘surprisingly civilized young colored couple’. It’s insulting Mel.

MEL Well, she’s the only agent showing this place, and I. Want.  It. So play along, and quit being that guy. Look at this place…it’s perfect. So suck it up. You can call the black panthers after we’ve signed the papers.

ROB Baby.

MEL Jesus, she’s just showing us the apartment Rob. Once we sign, she’s out of our life. She’s not moving into the spare bedroom.

ROB No that’s where our 13 welfare children and your entire extended family will be.

MEL Just–(”stop”)


ROB Did you see her face though when I said Church’s chicken?

MEL (smiling) That was good. Oh, god. I know. This woman is awful. What must she think of our lives?

ROB (as if talking to Lauren) I’m only selling drugs til I get enough scratch to put out mah album.

They start laughing with each other and getting carried away.

MEL And I’m Rosie Perez from ‘White Men Can’t Jump’. “Billy,

Billy” (pronounced “Beellee” a la Rosie Perez)

ROB I’ll be Wesley Snipes. “Billy, I got 4 words for you: Listen to the Woman.”

MEL (as Rosie Perez)

Billy! Billy! I’ll never get on Jeopardy if I have to wear this stupid hoochie-mama looking dress that you bought me which was obviously a poor excuse to cover up the fact that you fucked up again! I’m going to get on that motherfucking show, and I’m going to win, because I’m filled with more useless goddamn information than any human being on this fucking planet!

ROB Baby.

LAUREN has re-entered.

MEL Who is James K. Polk? How many moons are on Pluto? What’s a quint? It’s a food, Billy, that starts with the letter Q, and I got seven more! I can’t believe you lost the goddamn money! Now how are we going to afford this apartment from this racist white bitch!?

LAUREN Excuse me. What did you call me?

MEL Oh my god. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t talking about you, we were-

LAUREN- I think you should leave now.

MEL But–

ROB Baby. Come on.

LAUREN Thank you.

They start to leave. Rob turns back, and purposefully startles Lauren with a “Boo!”. Exits chuckling and shaking his head. They are gone.

LAUREN (rattled, to herself)

This would’ve never happened with hipsters.