An avant-garde art party. There is a sculpture in the middle of the room which consists of a coffin block, and two smaller blocks stacked in some sort of avant-garde way. Enter Girl and Boy “Hipsters”. Both look like a cross between Boy George, Duran Duran, Kid Cudi, Feist etc. i.e. oversized glasses, some bright flashes of color, ironic hat & shoes yadda yadda. More than anything, they’re elitist art/design nerds. They are carrying a program or some kind of flyer for the party. They don’t speak very loudly. The kind of voice that’s like “don’t listen to me” but really it’s “I’m not speaking loudly so you’ll pay even more attention to me but, whatever.”

BOY HIPSTER So, I don’t know if that’s, like, what the artist intended by placing that rough particle board box over the doll’s head, but I think it’s really obvious that it’s an echo of, like, American post-9/11 fears and how we’re, like, so quick to resort back to what’s comfortable for us, y’know? Like back into the womb of our consumerism and Ikea lifestyles and such.


BOY HIPSTER I just wish he wasn’t trying to hit us over the head with it. It’s like, let me find my own way in what you’re saying, y’know? Don’t spell it out for me. I went to design school. I know what I’m doing.

GIRL HIPSTER I know. It’s like “I have a brain, let me use it,” Y’know?

BOY HIPSTER (agreeing) Yeah. Totally.

GIRL HIPSTER That’s really what I get so fed up with, y’know. It’s like I keep feeling like there’s gotta be an artist out there that like, really speaks to how we as the, dare I say it, “youth culture”-


GIRL HIPSTER I know. But really, y’know?

BOY HIPSTER No, no, yeah, I do, I do. Totally.

GIRL HIPSTER One that like, really let’s us express our faculties mentally, y’know. Don’t show me what you think I think it should be, y’know? Like, show me the canvas, which is your art, and I’ll paint over your canvas with my mind.

There is a beat while that heavy shit sinks in

BOY HIPSTER (Noticing the stacked blocks sculpture.)Hey, check it out.


BOY HIPSTER Yeah, I know. Right?

GIRL HIPSTER This is like, exactly what I’m talking about.

BOY HIPSTER I know. There’s nothing to it. But yet, so much.

GIRL HIPSTER It makes me think of like, the military-industrial complex and at the same time, like, the innocence of my childhood.

From offstage we hear a guy yelling something like “fuckin’ awesome”.

BOY HIPSTER I wonder what the medium is-

He moves to the info card on the wall and reads:

BOY HIPSTER (CONT’D) It’s by Michael Wrotch. It’s called “figure it out” and the medium is “Paint, on wood, with nails”. Hm, so simple.

GIRL HIPSTER It is. Why do I not know this artist?

From off we hear the voice again shouting “Whoo! That is what I’m talkin’ about”

GIRL HIPSTER (CONT’D) (looking off) What is going on in-

Enter That Guy. He is not a hipster. As a matter of fact, he’s the furthest thing from it. He’s wearing an oversized ugly button up shirt, with no shirt on underneath, baggy shorts, and sandals or some sort of beat up running shoes and is drinking a can of beer. He looks more like he’s at a Jimmy Buffet concert than an art show. The Dude.


(shouting to no one in particular) Whooo! Aaarrt! Yeah! I fuckin’ love this shit.


THAT GUY Well hellooo. Looks like I found the cool wing of this party.

The two politely smile and nod and resume looking at the sculpture in an effort to ignore him.

THAT GUY (CONT’D) Hey hey don’t be afraid, man. It’s cool. I’m cool. I’m just trying to make the best of this shit too, man. These kinda things make me wanna put an electric egg-beater up my ass. But fuck it, right?

He finishes his beer and belches. Not knowing what to do with the empty can, he walks over and casually tosses it on the sculpture and pulls another beer out of his shorts pocket. Offers it to them.

THAT GUY (CONT’D) Wanna Bud?

The two are generally mortified and decline the offer.

THAT GUY (CONT’D) You sure? Cool. Cause I could only sneak in a few. I can’t drink wine, it makes me act like an asshole.

He cracks the Bud and takes a swig.

THAT GUY (CONT’D) (sings Budwiser jingle) “This is Buuudwiiser, this is beer.” So uh, whatta you guys looking at? This thing?


THAT GUY Huh. (He checks it out) I’m surprised you guys haven’t fuckin’ killed yourselves. This has gotta be the most boring thing here.

GIRL HIPSTER Well, actually we think-

THAT GUY I mean, look at it. It’s like giant Darth Vader poop. Did you guys see that thing in the other room with the doll’s head in a box? Now, that’s some interesting shit.


THAT GUY I mean, who would make something like this? (He looks around for the info card. Finds it.) Why do they always make these things so fuckin’ difficult to find? (reads) “Michael Wrotch”. Hmm. And you like this?

GIRL HIPSTER Yeah, actually we do. I think it’s probably one of the best pieces here.

THAT GUY Really? Soo, then you would say that you like Mike Wrotch? (Just in case. It’s pronounced MY CROTCH.)


THAT GUY Nice. And what about you, hipster?

BOY HIPSTER What did you call me?

THAT GUY Would you say that you like Mike Wrotch?

BOY HIPSTER Sure, yeah

THAT GUY . I bet you would. Sooo would both of you be interested in a piece of Mike Wrotch?

BOTH Yeah. Of course etc…

THAT GUY Well, that’s gonna cost you $50 per half hour. Boom! Oh yeah, up high.

He goes to high five them but gets no response. They don’t get it.

THAT GUY (CONT’D) My Crotch. Get it.

Fed up and disgusted, the two go to leave.

Hey Hey. Guys Guys don’t go don’t go. I’m really glad that you like my piece.

BOY HIPSTER Yeah, really funny.

THAT GUY No no really. That’s me. I’m Michael Wrotch. I’m sorry I, I just get really awkward at these art things, man. I mean, look at you guys. You guys all look so cool ‘n shit and here I look like Nick Nolte’s mugshot. I just thought that if I said “Fuck it” people would think I was cool too. But it’s just not working.

He’s pretty upset and sits on his sculpture

BOY HIPSTERHey man, are you really M-(He’s about to say Mike Wrotch but thinks better of it.) Did you really make that?

MIKE Yeah, I did.

GIRL HIPSTER Well, it’s my favorite thing here. You should be really proud of yourself.

MIKE Really?

BOY HIPSTER Really. Keep up the good work, man. I’ll hit you up on Facebook.

MIKE Hey yeah, ok. Sounds good. But not too hard, Ok?

BOY HIPSTER Uhh, sure. Nice meeting you.

The two exit. Mike remains on the stage. Feeling better, he get’s up and looks at his sculpture. Then quickly arranges the blocks so that it the coffin block is stacked vertically on the two smaller blocks, making a giant cock & balls. He looks at it proudly.

MIKE I am Mike Wrotch.