THE LADIES LOUNGE OF A HOTEL BALLROOM. CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. THERE IS A SUDDEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR.
ELYOT (OFF) Amanda! (MORE KNOCKING) Amanda! I know you’re in there! (MORE KNOCKING) OK, I hope you’re alone, ‘cause I’m coming in!
ELYOT ENTERS. HE IS DRESSED FOR A FORMAL EVENT, BUT CURRENTLY LOOKS A LITTLE WORSE FOR WEAR. HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTICES THE CLOSED STALL. HE KNOCKS.
ELYOT Look, I know you’re in here….
AMANDA (FROM THE STALL) Go away Elyot! This is the ladies room….
ELYOT I’m aware. I can read. But if you think that’s going to save you, you are dead wrong! I’m going to lock that door and sit right here until you get out here and start explaining yourself.
AMANDA (STILL INSIDE) I have nothing to explain! If you hadn’t shown up this wouldn’t have happened.
ELYOT I was invited! By you!
AMANDA I thought you’d send a card and a nice gift. I didn’t expect you to actually COME.
ELYOT Oh, I’m sorry I must have taken that “Requests the pleasure of your company” part literally!
AMANDA STORMS OUT OF THE STALL. SHE IS DRESSED IN A WHITE COCKTAIL DRESS AND IS CARRYING A BATTERED BOUQUET. SHE BLOWS PAST ELYOT AND BEGINS TO RIGHT HER MAKE UP AT THE VANITY
AMANDA That was always your problem, Elyot. You take everything literally! You have no appreciation or understanding of subtext.
ELYOT If you mean that social “double speak” that you and the rest of your crazy family call “dinner conversation” then no, you’re right. I don’t understand or appreciate it. Forgive me for my innocence, but I think people should say what they think or just not talk at all.
AMANDA And yet it NEVER occurs to you to actually take the latter option.
ELYOT Hey, I didn’t SAY anything to him; I didn’t have the chance. He just walked over and took a swing at me! Now, call me crazy, but since I have never met the man I can only assume that you might have had something to do with that somewhat abrupt salutation. What did you tell him about me?
AMANDA Nothing. I just ….Look Elyot, I don’t want to have this conversation right now. And not here! Just go!
ELYOT No way. Not until you tell me why your new husband chose to introduce himself to me by attempting to knock my block off!…Besides, he may have come to out there and I’m not sure I’m prepped for a second round .
AMANDA God, you are selfish!
ELYOT What did you call me? Selfish? This from a woman who admittedly only invited me to her wedding because she just wanted a nice gift? And you say I have no understanding of irony…
AMANDA No, I said you have no understanding of subtext! I’ll be blunt, FUCK OFF!
ISAAC SPEAKS FROM THE STALL
ISAAC How much longer is this gonna last? It’s hot in here.
ELYOT What the Hell?! Who is that?
AMANDA Jesus CHRIST! Alright fine, come on out, join the party!
ISAAC SLINKS OUT OF THE STALL. HE’S DRESSED “HIPSTER CHIC” AND HIS SHIRT IS BUTTONED CROOKED. HE IS UNAWARE OF THE LIPSTICK SMEARED ACROSS HIS FACE.
ISAAC Hey Mandy…I’m sorry. It’s just really stuffy in that stall and I-
ELYOT Who the hell are you?
AMANDA He’s Victor’s brother, Isaac. Isaac this is Elyot my… friend from college.
ISAAC Hey bro… nice moves! I’ve never seen anybody drop my brother with one punch. He’s a beast!
ISAAC TAKES OUT A HIP FLASK AND OFFERS IT TO ELYOT. ELYOT IGNORES IT
ELYOT The groom’s brother? Really Amanda? Really?
AMANDA It’s complicated.
ELYOT It’s pathological! How old is he?
ISAAC Hey, I’m in the room! ….And I’m 19… and half.
ELYOT Let me get this straight…While I’m dodging punches from your husband of less than 2 hours, you are here in the ladies room banging his baby brother? A man who is not only your legal relative at this point but who still measures his age in fractions?
ISAAC Hey! We weren’t actually doing it…Yet.
AMANDA You are not helping. This is mostly your fault anyway, if you weren’t texting me constantly none of this would have ever happened.
SHE HANDS HIM A TISSUE TO WIPE HIS FACE
ELYOT Wait a minute….Does this little family lovefest have something to do with me nearly getting my clock cleaned in front of the ice sculpture? How long has this been going on?
AMANDA/ISAAC Not Long./Six months
AMANDA Which is NOT LONG! Anyway, I was going to end it…
AMANDA But Isaac kept sending me these text messages. And then last night Victor wanted to use my phone at the rehearsal dinner…
ISAAC Oh. Woops…
AMANDA Yeah, woops. He sent me a doozy. Telling me how much he loved me and how stupid I was to be getting married after all we had together…
ISAAC I was a little drunk. I do think I should get points for not using my own phone!
AMANDA Yeah right, you’re a genius…Anyway, I had to think fast so I told Victor that the messages were from you. I never expected that you’d actually show up today!
ELYOT I did RSVP!! (PAUSE) Ok, so now I understand why Vic wasn’t overjoyed to make my acquaintance. But what’s with you sneaking off to the Ladies lounge with Babyface here while your husband is out cold on the buffet table?
AMANDA I needed to explain what was going on. And I was going to break it off.
ELYOT POINTS TO ISAACS UNDONE ZIPPER
ELYOT Well, that was success.
ISAAC What can I say? I’m a little bit irresistible. It’s my boyish charm.
ELYOT No, it’s Amanda’s inability to be satisfied with anything she has. You’re just “that guy”. If it wasn’t you, it’d be someone else…
AMANDA Elyot, that’s not fair…or true.
ELYOT Yes it is. You always want more. More money, more success, more men…more gifts!
ISAAC I thought this guy was your friend! Ouch!
AMANDA Shut up!
ELYOT Well Amanda, fine. I have one more gift for you. I’m going to take this bullet for you…
AMANDA Oh Elyot, I can’t stand it when you’re “noble”…Just go. I’ll clean this mess up myself.
ELYOT Ok. Will do. Have a great marriage. I hope you enjoy the gift….It’s a punchbowl. There’s a gift receipt in the box. Come on Isaac, I’ll let you score some bonus points with your family by throwing me out. It’ll be great…I’ll even cry a little!….You might want to rebutton your shirt first.
THEY GO. AMANDA TAKES A MOMENT. FIXES HER MAKEUP A FINAL TIME , PULLS HERSELF TOGETHER AND CONFIDENTLY WALKS OUT.