Jerk Club

by Ben Graney and Stephanie Dimaggio

Time: Now.

Place: A New York City Office.


Cooper: Late 20’s.

Teddy: Late 20’s.

Howie: Early 20’s.

The almost end of the day, phone ringing, keys clicking. Three co-workers are working hard.

Teddy and Cooper face the audience at their desks side by side, Howie upstage of them, sits at

his desk facing upstage. The men shold be focused on their work even when they split focus to

talk to each other, except when that isn’t possible…

Howie: Uh-huh, uh-huh, thank you very much, I’m on it! (hangs up)

Cooper: (on phone) Thanks Mr. Davis, I’ll get right back to you. (hangs up) You know why

the Great Depression was so depressing? Because they didn’t have coke.

Teddy: …a-Cola or like…coke coke?

Cooper: Coke coke, douche douche

Teddy: You STILL do blow?

Cooper: And I’m still top seller since Janury, so blow me. (his phone rings) This is Coop. Yes,

Mr. Sterns, gonna have those numbers to you by the end of the hour. (beat) Already taken care

of. (beat) Uh-Huh. (beat) All in a days work sir.

Hangs up, stares Teddy down ofr ten seconds. Then gives a long snort of imaginary coke, Teddy

rolls his eyes, opens his kombucha and takes a sip, returns his snort with a yoga-like exhale.

Coop chuckles.

Cooper: Intern, got that report for Sterns?

Howie: Uh-huh.

Cooper: E-mail it to me.

Howie: Uh-Huh.

Copper: Thanks bud.

Howie: You got it!

Cooper: Gold star intern! (Howie gives a thumbs up from his desk) God, I wish I was twenty


Teddy: You know, there are regular narcotics anonymous meetings held at my church.

Cooper: I fucking love my life!! (to Howie) Intern, what was last weeks value price for the

Tillman property?

Howie: Ummm.

Teddy: (to Cooper) The Lord knows no shame.

Howie: Not sure sir, but..itwillcometome…

Cooper: (to Howie) Did you forward that Sterns report?!

Howie: Yes…YES…YEEESS!!

Howie slumps over his keyboard facefirst and starts to wail. Cooper and Teddy slowly get up

and stand over him.

Cooper: (poking him like roadkill) Dude…dude?

Teddy: Howie…is everything okay?

Howie: She…she…

Teddy: I think he’s having a seizure…

Teddy walks over and turns his chair around. Howie’s iPhone and ear buds fall to the ground as

he scrambles to cover his wang.

Teddy: What the fuck are you doing?!!?

Howie: She left me last night, I’m sorry.

Teddy: You can’t do that here, that’s heinous!

Howie: I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize-

Cooper: Wankin’ it to the Sterns Report, Niiiice.

Howie: (zipping up, still upset) She left a note last night. A fucking note! She told her friends!

OUR friends! I didn’t even get a say in the matter. A year and half…she was the best thing that

ever happened to me. I mean, what am I? What am I really? I sit in a chair, and push little

buttons that make up little words with a language that someone made up thousands of years ago.

Where does that leave me? Alone and unconciously, compulsively jerking off under my desk.

What the shit!

Teddy: Well, maybe she’ll come back?

Howie: She changed her stupid, bitch-ass, relationship status!!!!

Cooper: Rough.

Teddy: Maybe the relationship has just run it’s course. There’s always a master plan, “Let Go,

Let God”, that’s what my Mom says.

Cooper: Hell, no, grab that phone like you grabbed your dong and get her BACK!

Teddy: Have patience, she needs space to breathe.

Howie: You think I should?

Cooper: Yank at her heart strings like you yanked old faithful! (He thrusts his phone in his face)

Teddy: Breathe.

Cooper: Yank.

Howie: Ok.

Cooper: Gold star intern!

(Howie reaches for the phone, picks it up, wait, wipes it on his shirt first. Ew.)

Howie: It’s ringing. (She picks up) Hi. Lisa? Thank you for picking up. I’m at work. (beat) I was

listening to our song and thinking about you all morning, maybe if we could just talk for a while-

Teddy: (coaching him) And I could give you the space-

Howie: “And I could give you the space”-

Teddy: To spread you wings-

Howie: “To spread you wings”-

Cooper: And your thighs-

Howie: “And your thighs”-

Teddy punches cooper on the arm.

Cooper: (to Teddy) Chicks love that shit!

Howie: No, not thighs. I meant lies-

Teddy: No, not lies!

Howie: Your angel eyes!

Teddy: Good one!

Howie: No, yes, I mean. Yes, you have angel eyes AND great thighs (he starts to cry again) that

I am just gonna miss so much!!!!

T: Hold it together! Stay strong.

Howie: You are the girl of my dreams-

Cooper: Wet and dry.

Teddy: Shhhh!!

Howie: I can’t breathe and you’re-

Cooper: He’s done.

Howie: So, I just wanted to know if we can get some coffee, can we do that? …Hello? …Lisa?

Howie crumbles, drops his iPhone, and runs out.

Teddy: You knew that was going to happen. Did you enjoy watching him suffer?


Cooper: First rule of Jerk Club is, you don’t talk about Jerk Club.

Teddy: What Club?

Cooper: (sits down, end of conversation) Second rule of jerk club is, you do not talk about jerk


Teddy: Are you high?

Cooper: He’s tapped out man, let him go.

Teddy: He’s heartbroken.

Cooper: He knew the rules.

Teddy: Wait…(with building suspicion) rules?

Cooper: (looks at him, smiles, says nothing)

Teddy: You are a lonley drug addicted man, and I’m going to pray for you. (exits, slamming


Cooper: Third rule of Jerk Club, only one guy to a jerk.

Picks up Howie’s iPhone and plays what he was listening to, we hear it is Adele. He pulls into

his desk, looks both ways, looks down, unzips, adjusts. The phone rings.

Cooper: This is Coop.

Blackout, music swells