BY Kendra Celeste Hughes

An Office. Three pirates are playing charades. IVAN THE PIRATE  is exasperated.

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                              Oy! Do it again, mate!

IVAN THE PIRATE                                                                                                                      Ah, bugger me! I’ve done it a hundred times!

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                              That’s right, be a good boy now.

IVAN                                                                                                                                        Bloody hell. They play charades. Jen repeats “first word, one syllable, etc…”

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                     Oy, why aren’t you guessin?

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                         Cuz I know what it is.

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                         I don’t believe you.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                  You’re doing a mighty good job, Ivan The Pirate.

IVAN THE PIRATE                                                                                                                 Oy. Thanks, Kendra The pirate Wench.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                       Aye. Shall I tell you what it is?

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                      No no no. Everybody shut your gobs. It’ll come to me.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                     Treasure chest.

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                   Oy?

IVAN                                                                                                                                         Ah, bloody hell.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                               It’s “treasure chest.” That’s what he was actin out. Alright, Jen the pirate wench?

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                   What in the bloody hell did you tell me for?

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                           You was makin me head itch.

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                       Oy, that’s the lice, you dirty wench. I’ll rip all your hair out so you won’t have to worry about it no more!

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                          Oy! Have a go at it then, you ugly tart!

IVAN THE PIRATE                                                                                                             Ladies, ladies!

JEN THE PIRATEWENCH                             KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH   Bugger off!                                                        Up your arse!

Suddenly STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER comes in and backs into KENDRA.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH             STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER OY!                                                              Oh!

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                              JACK!

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                          Um, Hi. Who are you?

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                        What in the devil’s name are you wearin, Jack?

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                             Why are you calling me Jack? My name is Steve. How the hell did you get in here?

IVAN                                                                                                                                         What’s wrong with “Jack?” Jack’s a perfectly good pirate name.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                           Yeah, “Jack” is so much more pirate-y than “Steve.”

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                                What the hell do you mean? Who are you people? Is this a joke?

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                 D’you need a big olde pirate hug, Jack?

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                          Stop calling me Jack! What are you doing in this building?

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                             Oh, this aren’t no building, my friend. This is a ship, and that is the sea. Go on! Have a look. He goes to look out the porthole, and as he does, they sneak up behind him.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                          This is clearly an office. You people are completely out of your—What the Frack? They all grab him and get him to the ground and he ends face up on the floor with KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH straddling him.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                         OY! Got you, now, don’t we?

JEN AND IVAN THE PIRATE WENCHES                                                                                        You got him! You got him!

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                          Look, I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I have a huge story due in the morning, and I haven’t had any sleep in three days and I feel like, like everything is moving really, really, really, really slowly, and now there are pirates in my office and all I want to do is type on my computer, but my legs feel like cement and I can’t even remember where my computer is. I’m—Suddenly KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH kisses STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER on the mouth to stop him from talking.

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                          IVAN THE PIRATE                OY! You ugly wench! Give it to him!                           Ah, bloody hell! Let the man Nicely done!                                                                   breathe! Get off him, you tart!

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                          Wow!

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                       How are ya now, Jack?

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                            Well, I, god, I don’t know, I feel so strange, I…

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                       It’s alright. It’s the dream. Let it all out.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                            I know you haven’t made your mind up yet. But I would never do you wrong…

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                        Ooh, I love it when they get all spellbound!

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                            I’ve known it from the moment that we met… no doubt in my mind where you belong…

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                      Oh, mates! It’s so sweet! Can I keep him?

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                 NO! You cannot. This is about the time we feed the sharks, mates. Come on, up we go!

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                        OY!

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                     That’s right, now get up, come on, that’s a boy, this way.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                            When the rain is blowing in your face…I could offer you a warm embrace…

IVAN THE PIRATE                                                                                                             That’s nice. Now come on, right out here, just walk on this nice piece of wood all the way to the end now. That’s right.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                            But it’s so dark, I can’t see anything. Will you come with me?

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                              I’ll be there in a minute, sweetheart, you go on ahead.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                              But I want to stay. I want to be a pirate too!

JEN THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                     You don’t want to be a pirate. A pirate’s got a rough life.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                         But pirates fight, yet they really love each other deep down. I love you.

KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH                                                                                                                                                     I’ve got syphilis.

STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER                                                                                               Oh.

IVAN THE PIRATE                                                                                                                Run now! He pushes him off. Steve screams. The screaming ends abruptly. The pirates swirl around and get coffee cups and papers and sit at the table. Lights up, STEVE comes in with his report and gives it to JEN.

STEVE                                                                                                                                 Here’s the story . I was up all night working on it.

JEN                                                                                                                                        This is the pirate thing?

STEVE                                                                                                                                  Yep.

IVAN                                                                                                                                       Thanks. We’ll take a look at it.

They go back to their reading and drinking coffee. Steve leaves the room a sad little boy who wishes his pirate dreams would one day come true. Because this sucks. And pirates are cool.