BY Kendra Celeste Hughes
An Office. Three pirates are playing charades. IVAN THE PIRATE is exasperated.
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH Oy! Do it again, mate!
IVAN THE PIRATE Ah, bugger me! I’ve done it a hundred times!
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH That’s right, be a good boy now.
IVAN Bloody hell. They play charades. Jen repeats “first word, one syllable, etc…”
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH Oy, why aren’t you guessin?
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Cuz I know what it is.
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH I don’t believe you.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH You’re doing a mighty good job, Ivan The Pirate.
IVAN THE PIRATE Oy. Thanks, Kendra The pirate Wench.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Aye. Shall I tell you what it is?
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH No no no. Everybody shut your gobs. It’ll come to me.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Treasure chest.
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH Oy?
IVAN Ah, bloody hell.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH It’s “treasure chest.” That’s what he was actin out. Alright, Jen the pirate wench?
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH What in the bloody hell did you tell me for?
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH You was makin me head itch.
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH Oy, that’s the lice, you dirty wench. I’ll rip all your hair out so you won’t have to worry about it no more!
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Oy! Have a go at it then, you ugly tart!
IVAN THE PIRATE Ladies, ladies!
JEN THE PIRATEWENCH KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Bugger off! Up your arse!
Suddenly STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER comes in and backs into KENDRA.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER OY! Oh!
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH JACK!
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Um, Hi. Who are you?
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH What in the devil’s name are you wearin, Jack?
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Why are you calling me Jack? My name is Steve. How the hell did you get in here?
IVAN What’s wrong with “Jack?” Jack’s a perfectly good pirate name.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Yeah, “Jack” is so much more pirate-y than “Steve.”
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER What the hell do you mean? Who are you people? Is this a joke?
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH D’you need a big olde pirate hug, Jack?
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Stop calling me Jack! What are you doing in this building?
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Oh, this aren’t no building, my friend. This is a ship, and that is the sea. Go on! Have a look. He goes to look out the porthole, and as he does, they sneak up behind him.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER This is clearly an office. You people are completely out of your—What the Frack? They all grab him and get him to the ground and he ends face up on the floor with KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH straddling him.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH OY! Got you, now, don’t we?
JEN AND IVAN THE PIRATE WENCHES You got him! You got him!
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Look, I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I have a huge story due in the morning, and I haven’t had any sleep in three days and I feel like, like everything is moving really, really, really, really slowly, and now there are pirates in my office and all I want to do is type on my computer, but my legs feel like cement and I can’t even remember where my computer is. I’m—Suddenly KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH kisses STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER on the mouth to stop him from talking.
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH IVAN THE PIRATE OY! You ugly wench! Give it to him! Ah, bloody hell! Let the man Nicely done! breathe! Get off him, you tart!
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Wow!
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH How are ya now, Jack?
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Well, I, god, I don’t know, I feel so strange, I…
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH It’s alright. It’s the dream. Let it all out.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER I know you haven’t made your mind up yet. But I would never do you wrong…
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Ooh, I love it when they get all spellbound!
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER I’ve known it from the moment that we met… no doubt in my mind where you belong…
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH Oh, mates! It’s so sweet! Can I keep him?
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH NO! You cannot. This is about the time we feed the sharks, mates. Come on, up we go!
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH OY!
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH That’s right, now get up, come on, that’s a boy, this way.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER When the rain is blowing in your face…I could offer you a warm embrace…
IVAN THE PIRATE That’s nice. Now come on, right out here, just walk on this nice piece of wood all the way to the end now. That’s right.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER But it’s so dark, I can’t see anything. Will you come with me?
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH I’ll be there in a minute, sweetheart, you go on ahead.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER But I want to stay. I want to be a pirate too!
JEN THE PIRATE WENCH You don’t want to be a pirate. A pirate’s got a rough life.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER But pirates fight, yet they really love each other deep down. I love you.
KENDRA THE PIRATE WENCH I’ve got syphilis.
STEVE THE OFFICE WORKER Oh.
IVAN THE PIRATE Run now! He pushes him off. Steve screams. The screaming ends abruptly. The pirates swirl around and get coffee cups and papers and sit at the table. Lights up, STEVE comes in with his report and gives it to JEN.
STEVE Here’s the story . I was up all night working on it.
JEN This is the pirate thing?
IVAN Thanks. We’ll take a look at it.
They go back to their reading and drinking coffee. Steve leaves the room a sad little boy who wishes his pirate dreams would one day come true. Because this sucks. And pirates are cool.
END OF PLAY