Enter Forrest

Looks around conference room, is a little nervous, gets some coffee, notices the sign, makes more coffee, throws out scooper and canister, puts new one out.

Enter Mallard: Dude, dude. Have you ever heard of a Detroit reverse double-helix dirtbath? (Thinks) Doesn’t that remind you of a colonoscopy? Well, maybe you’re too young to get a colonoscopy. Unless you have inflamed bowels? Do you have inflamed bowels? Oh, God I haven’t even introduced myself. I’m Mallard. (Goes to shake his hand, realized they are super sweaty, wipes them, offers hand again) Oh, sorry. (they shake) Welcome to the team.

Forest: Oh, hi I’m Forest.

Enter Thunder, Melistian and Cricket.

Thunder gives Melistian a look she interprets:

Mel: Welcome to the National Research Foundation for the Power of Negative Thinking Institute. NRFPONTI.

Mallard: NRFPONTI!!! (falsetto)

Melistian: We are pleased to welcome you as the newest editions to our expanding team of research practictioners.

Cricket: Expanding? (under her breath)

Mallard: Really, do you think he is? (looking at Forrest’s crotch)

Thunder another look to Melistian:

Melistian: When your fellow new hire, Lou, arrives, a tour of the facilities will commence. Hmmm…late on her first day. Very interesting….

Exit Melistian and Thunder

Cricket: Don’t let them flatter you. You aren’t part of an expansion, you’re ½ of a replacement for the 2 people that couldn’t handle the skull crushing boredom of not having a project to work on for 18 MONTHS!!!!

Mallard: I once had an erection for 18 months, straight. 18 months (under breath, hot)

Forest: Oh….um….weird…Ok, so I’m confused, what will I be doing if there are no current projects? Or I guess it’s strictly the research side? I was hired for both.

Mallard: Well, I’ve got three things you can toss around

Cricket: We just keep making the last virtual reality nightmare we created worse and worse, more and more detailed, more and more lifelike, for our last client from 18 months ago in the off chance that he might come back. We’re funded by an endowment from the Cheney Institue for Furthering American Progress. CIFFAP. You know, it’s like the Public Works Administration? FDR? The New Deal? (Forrest is confused) No, nothing? (off of Forrests confusion) It doesn’t matter if we actually do any work or not.

Forrest: Wait, so what behavior were you trying to inhibit in the most recent client with the power of negative thinking? And virtual reality? We only did role playing. And Cheney’s a republican. He doesn’t want to create jobs.

Mallard: He does if it makes the world a little less gay.

Forrest: Less…what?

Mallard: Let’s say, Let’s saaaaayyy, you have a propensity towards enjoying objects in your rectum, so, Let’s saaaaayyyyy, that we used our all sensory virtual reality future nightmare technology to allow you to fully experience the consequences of your actions. Light bulbs, abandonment by your family etc. And let’s saaaayyyy, that this deterrent technology is so life-like, so close, SO close to the real thing, you’re horrified by the life-like physical and emotional pain we offer, the treatment was effective and there’s no chance of you ever enjoying that behavior again. Have you seen the Manchurian Candidate?.You no longer need our services. So, all that’s been left for us to do in the last 18 MONTHS! Is to refine this technological experience, over and over and over again.

Enter (B)Lue (dropping everything, shirt wrongly buttoned, different shoes, cum in her hair etc.)

Lou: Oh God, I’m so sorry I’m late.

Cricket: Okay! NEW GIRL IS HERE! Tour time!

Forest: Hi, I’m Forrest, I’m the other new hire. It’s Lou right? Is that short for something?

Lou: Blue.

Forrest: Oh. Well, Yeah, I guess that is shorter.

Lou: Wait…Where’s my…Shit, I feel like I’m forgetting something…like there was something…Oh!

Forrest: You have copies of your 10-99s? I almost forgot mine on the way out.

Lou: Wait…it’ll come to me….Oh right! Shit! Shoes! Damnit, I knew I was supposed to bring shoes.


Enter Lou. Finishes last of coffee. Notices sign. Starts to make coffee. No scooper. Hurt my good arm; have to make coffee with mouth, cheek, something.

Mallard enters, sees Lou

Mallard: Oh that reminds me of the time I was getting a “rusty Tuba” from a Columbian in Ibiza-

Lou: I was just trying to make coffee. What’s a Rusty Tuba?

Mallard: So it’s when you take the guys foot and twist him on his back while his finger is – (begins to do it)

Interrupting; Cricket enters

Cricket: Okay well I can see you’re fully competent individuals- Ill make the coffee

Where did you put the scoop?

Lou: What? (Distracted by cleaning up herself, in a non chalont way) Oh I don’t know, I didn’t see one, or I mean, I couldn’t find it.

Cricket: WHAT DO YOU mean you couldn’t “FIND” it????

Immediately—haha—enters Melistian and Thunder (storming in) and looking around

Melistian: We came as soon as we heard. I mean, just now, because we were right in the hallway. (Not calmly) Where is the scoop? (calmly) We are calling an emergency office meeting. Cricket, would you please gather the entire staff in the conference room ASAP?

Cricket: Hey Forrest!

Forrest enters.

Cricket: The coffee scoop is missing.

Forrest: The…excuse me?

Melistian: Thank you for coming everyone. Please understand we are not taking this news lightly and will do everything we can to locate the scoop. At the end of the company meeting the conference room will be off limits until further notice so that we can isolate the area for further investigation. The purpose of this meeting is to gather as much information as possible before turning it over to professional investigation.

Lou: I might have done it. I mean, I made some coffee. But I don’t remember any scoop…that I know of. I mean, just because I probably would have used it. I wish I could be of more help, I completely understand, I mean it might have been me, I mean I lose shit all the time, I mean this one time I um….Oh yeah! I lost my baby, I mean when it was born already, not like a miscarriage, like a baby child, and then realized i had left her on the roof of the car before pulling away. She was allright though. Kind of.

Forest (looks around and replies): Wait, Don’t they have those in EVERY can of coffee??


Playing of Song, starts crying, sniffling.

That scoop meant a LOT to the people, like me, who have been here since the beginning. The day this company opened, I remember it so vividly… coming in to a newly renovated office and working for the man who created this amazing company, MR CHENEY. Oh I get goose bumps just thinking about it. He personally came in here and brought our first coffee canister and with him… the scoop. His hand–the hands of a God–actually made that first pot. He scooped with his own hand. Losing that scoop is losing the symbol of our original hope. For the power of negative thinking.(Starts wailing)

Forest: OK! Jesus! I did it!! I did it!! I thought there was another fucking scoop in the next can of coffee. I had no IDEA!

Thunder gets up quietly and walks across the room. Thunder tosses him down to the ground