‘So Perfection’

by

John Behlmann

For SHOTZ: Nightmare Office

John Behlmann

CALVIN is there. He is nerdy and he

likes to be right.

KATE is from Tennessee. She is on the

phone with one of her BFFs who couldn’t

make it to her wedding because she had

some other shit to do that probably

wasn’t half as important as one her

best friends gettin’ married!

KATE

It was gorgeous! The weather. Was. So perfection. The

church was amazing. The DJ was kinda gay, but everything

else was perfect. And I had Carrie’s wedding dress. I told

you that, right? Yeah the one from the movie! Except I wore

it with my white cowboy boots that Dean got me our first

Valentine’s Day. Instead of ‘Sex in the City’, it was like

‘Sex in the Country’. That was kind of our weddin’ theme.

Kinda southwest style. We had burritos everywhere. Not like

Chipotle. Like ‘burro’. Like a little mini-donkey. They’re

a real thing! It was Dean’s idea. He’s so good.

And Mom and Randy drove in from Talahassee. And Buck was

there. And Darlene came and brought the little Todd Monster.

Yeah he’s a real piece a work! Nah, he died, ‘member? Yeah.

Yeah that was sad. I know. I know!! I’m secretly kinda

glad he did, too. Is that terrible of me? Oh you’re bad

girl! Hehehe. Well, Deonne looked real good. Even though

he still acts like a retard. And Krystal, of course, was

dressed like a total whore. She was all over my cousin

Johnny. Unh uh. Unh uh. Uh huh. Unh uh. Yeeeeeah.

I am lucky. I know it, girl, I truly do. I thank my lucky

stars everyday. Yeah it was real good to see everyone, but

it’s good being back too. With my beautiful apartment, and

my beautiful husband (ohmigod husband…weird!), and my brand

new dreeeeeam jooooob!

Oh! I gotta go, I just got the pictures on my email. I’ma

take a look, and I’ll send ‘em to you later. Uh huh. It’s a

slideshow. So cool. Alright girl, I gotta get back to my

dream job. Tell Scooter I said thank you for the George

Foreman grill even though I know you picked it out for him.

Byyyyyyyyyyyyye.

She hangs up.

KATE

OH MY GAWD I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MAKIN’ SALES CALLS TODAY!

Calvin looks at her.

KATE

Shut UP Calvin. I do not need you today.

Kate drinks her iced latte and opens

the weddding slideshow on her computer.

Adele’s “Make You Feel My Love” plays

through the computer speakers.

Kate coos to herself at every tender

moment that flashes on her screen.

After a moment, ALANNA enters. She is

nice.

ALANNA

(genuine)

Are those from your wedding? I love that song. It’s about a

rapist.

KATE

What? Shut up.

ALANNA

Yeah. To Make you feel my love?

KATE

The Adele version? I don’t think so.

ALANNA

Adele’s that fat girl, right?

KATE

Shut up, she’s pretty.

ALANNA

No, I just mean she’s fat as a way to identify her. Like

she’s that fat singer, right?

KATE

Yeah.

ALANNA

Oh. Then I don’t know. Maybe not. But when Billy Joel

sings that song, it’s about a rapist.

KATE

You’re a rapist.

CALVIN

Definitely not about a rapist when Garth Brooks sings it.

Then it’s about his cock.

Alanna giggles at the word.

KATE

What?

CALVIN

Well he doesn’t say it like that, but he means it like that.

All those country guys do. Under the twang and the soft

lilt…you lift up the layers and you’ll always find fuckin’.

“Thunder Rolls”? That song is all cock & balls. Thunder is

balls. Lightning is cock. “Friends in Low Places”?! What

low places do you think he’s talking ab–

KATE

Ok. Shut up! You are so gross. “To Make You Feel My Love”

is not about a rapist, or balls, or a cock.

Alanna giggles.

KATE

It is a sweet testament to a beautiful love between two

people. Loving someone and having that love returned is

awesome, and Garth Brooks and Adele and Billy Joel all know

that. They all do. Especially Garth Brooks.

CALVIN

Man’s still gotta eat.

KATE

Calvin you are gross. You are making me upset.

Pause.

CALVIN

Cock.

Alanna giggles.

ALANNA

My Dad said Bob Dylan wrote that song. But he thinks Bob

Dylan wrote every song.

KATE

Who’s Bob Dylan?

ALANNA

Heath Ledger played him in that weird movie.

KATE

Oh Heath! That’s so sad. Now I’m sad. And upset.

ALANNA

Yeah. I bet Bob Dylan wouldn’t write a song about a rapist.

CALVIN

Yes he would. He definitely wrote a song about a rapist.

ALANNA

Like what?

CALVIN

It’ll come to me.

KATE

Oh Heath!

CALVIN

“Ain’t Talkin’”

ALANNA

That’s not about a rapist.

KATE

Calvin, you’re a rapist.

CALVIN

It’s about a rape victim. “Someone hit me from behind”? “No

one on Earth would ever know”? “The sufferin’ will never

end”? It’s about living with the tragedy of rape.

ALANNA

Really? Wow. I always kinda wanted to be raped.

KATE

Oh my GAWD! That is a terrible thing to say!

ALANNA

I thought it would make me special. Like a sexy dark secret.

KATE

You are sick! You are so sick! Y’all are making me so upset!

My wedding was so beautiful and y’all are ruinin’ it!! All

y’all can talk about is rape and balls and penises and Bob

Diller and poor Heath Ledger. What about NICE things?! What

about GOOD things?! GAWD! New York is so gross!! I came here

with Dean and this whole city is gross. My apartment is like

a danger zone next to some gay crack house or something. It

smells everywhere. This was supposed to be my dream job, but

you are turning it into a nightmare office! You are rude! So

rude! Just ignorant rude people!!

The song is still playing.

Calvin opens his mouth to speak.

KATE

Calvin. Do not.

Kate answers her phone.

KATE

Oh hey girl! It was gorgeous!

THE END

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