Tom, and Rich’s shared apartment. Tom enters with the
mail, waiving a letter in his hand.
Hey Richie Rich! It came! She’s written me! The letter came today!
The girl I met on the retreat.
Yeah, the one I went on with The Holistic Center a couple months ago. It was to reinforce
the bonds of friendship, and encourage peace and harmony in the workplace.
Ah Jesus, you need to get a real job.
Whaddaya mean “a real job”? It pays my share of the rent and on more than one occasion
yours too so what are you complaining about?
I mean a job that’s not all gay and faggy.
You know what? My faggy job is not the subject at hand here.
What is important is that she wrote me a letter.
She wrote you a letter?
Like, with a pen and paper in an envelope with a stamp?
What is this, summer camp? Who does that?
Well, it’s pretty difficult to send emails from the top of an old growth redwood tree.
Oh my god you can’t be serious.
Yes, I am. She’s a member of The Redwood Coalition and spends half her year living in a
redwood tree in protest of the-
I get it I get it.
Well, if you get it then you understand that she just can’t whip out some internet machine
and send me a message.
So, what? The tree has a mailman? I mean, seriously. What’s the return address? Big Ass
Old Tree in the Woods? You know, the big one. Or maybe she befriended a little owl and
was able to tie it to his legs using her own hair.
Oh that’s just ridiculous.
And I bet right now she’s got a lot of it.
You know, it’s like, I think I can tell you something and you’ll be excited for me but I don’t
even know why I bother. You-
Hey hey hey I’m just messing with you, girl. Don’t get your chakras in a twist. I’m sorry.
What’s the letter say?
Oh, really? Well wouldn’t you like to know.
Well, too bad. I’m not gonna tell you.
Tom opens the envelope and turns out. Then both he and
Rich freeze as THE GIRL enters to speak the contents of
the letter. The Girl is a man, dressed as a woman, but quite
obviously a man, but still a woman. Like Kids in the Hall.
But could have some facial hair and maybe speaks with a
I hope this letter reaches you safely. As you can imagine, it’s not easy getting any
correspondence out or in from the top of a redwood tree. It’s not like I can whip out an
internet machine and send you a message. And trees don’t really have a mailman. Besides,
what would my return address be? Big Ass Old Tree in the Woods?
I’ve had a lot of time to think, up here. Which is really all there is to do. However, I have
befriended an owl, and am hoping to train him. I think I’m going to name him Hooty
Feather Life Force Wing. At least, that’s his nickname for now. Until he decides to tell me
his real name.
My hands are starting to go a bit numb from cold as I write this so I’ll be brief. I miss you
so much, Tom. The moments in the vision tent at the retreat have been resonating in my
private chakra ever since. I’ve written you a poem, my spiritual partner, that echoes through
the forest and into the lowlands.
Earth Mother grows
The wind, it blows
and when it snows,
The trees, they all creak
The air, it is sweet
The birds, when they tweet,
Wish you were near
But you aren’t, my dear
And so, a tear,
Man, it is really cold
I’ll leave you with that, my Wolf Essence. As I go to sleep tonight, wishing you were here,
I will pray to Earth Mother that our spirits will unite once again and I will be able to fill you
with the filling fulfillment that I am full of. I’ll try to send another letter when my supply
man comes again to bring me razors and shaving cream.
As China exits, the freeze breaks and Tom looks up,
Hey? How was that? Good? You feeling good?
I- I have to go.
To the forest. To my love.
Hey Hey wait a minute, Tommy Boy. You can’t be serious. You don’t wanna go out there.
You don’t have a tent or a a a shovel or an automatic weapon-
It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I have to go to her.
Tom goes to exit
No! You, you can’t go!
Why? I can’t leave her up there, lonely, freezing to death. Talking to birds. She needs me.
And I need her.
Listen Tommy, she’s not freezing to death. Ok? And she’s not talking to birds either.
How do you know? She’s probably-
I know because I- I wrote that letter.
(Pause. Without attitude.)
Oh no she didn’t.
Yes, she did.
Why would you do something like that?
Because you’ve been so down lately that I thought I’d be a good friend and cheer you up,
y’know. Give you something to look forward to.
There is a knock at he door. Tom stares at Rich
And, I was gonna be short on rent this month so I wanted to butter you up a bit before I hit
you up for money.
Tom continues to stare. There is another knock. This time
it is more intense.
I- I’m really sorry, Tommy Boy.
I don’t understand. That’s the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to me.
There is more knocking which has become even more
desperate. Angrily, Tom goes to the door.
Jesus Christ! What the hell do you want?
Tom opens the door and China Grove enters, Shivering.
Oh, Wolf Essence. I’m so sorry to drop in unannounced like this. But do you have any idea
how cold it is up there?
The two men look at each other, gobsmacked.