THE LETTER

Tom, and Rich’s shared apartment. Tom enters with the

mail, waiving a letter in his hand.

TOM

Hey Richie Rich! It came! She’s written me! The letter came today!

RICH

Who did?

TOM

The girl I met on the retreat.

RICH

Retreat?

TOM

Yeah, the one I went on with The Holistic Center a couple months ago. It was to reinforce

the bonds of friendship, and encourage peace and harmony in the workplace.

RICH

Ah Jesus, you need to get a real job.

TOM

Whaddaya mean “a real job”? It pays my share of the rent and on more than one occasion

yours too so what are you complaining about?

RICH

I mean a job that’s not all gay and faggy.

TOM

You know what? My faggy job is not the subject at hand here.

RICH

A ha!

TOM

What is important is that she wrote me a letter.

RICH

She wrote you a letter?

TOM

Yeah.

RICH

Like, with a pen and paper in an envelope with a stamp?

TOM

Yeah.

RICH

What is this, summer camp? Who does that?

TOM

Well, it’s pretty difficult to send emails from the top of an old growth redwood tree.

RICH

Oh my god you can’t be serious.

TOM

Yes, I am. She’s a member of The Redwood Coalition and spends half her year living in a

redwood tree in protest of the-

RICH

I get it I get it.

TOM

Well, if you get it then you understand that she just can’t whip out some internet machine

and send me a message.

RICH

So, what? The tree has a mailman? I mean, seriously. What’s the return address? Big Ass

Old Tree in the Woods? You know, the big one. Or maybe she befriended a little owl and

was able to tie it to his legs using her own hair.

TOM

Oh that’s just ridiculous.

RICH

And I bet right now she’s got a lot of it.

TOM

You know, it’s like, I think I can tell you something and you’ll be excited for me but I don’t

even know why I bother. You-

RICH

Hey hey hey I’m just messing with you, girl. Don’t get your chakras in a twist. I’m sorry.

What’s the letter say?

TOM

Oh, really? Well wouldn’t you like to know.

RICH

No.

TOM

Well, too bad. I’m not gonna tell you.

Tom opens the envelope and turns out. Then both he and

Rich freeze as THE GIRL enters to speak the contents of

the letter. The Girl is a man, dressed as a woman, but quite

obviously a man, but still a woman. Like Kids in the Hall.

But could have some facial hair and maybe speaks with a

man’s voice.

THE GIRL

Dear Tom,

I hope this letter reaches you safely. As you can imagine, it’s not easy getting any

correspondence out or in from the top of a redwood tree. It’s not like I can whip out an

internet machine and send you a message. And trees don’t really have a mailman. Besides,

what would my return address be? Big Ass Old Tree in the Woods?

I’ve had a lot of time to think, up here. Which is really all there is to do. However, I have

befriended an owl, and am hoping to train him. I think I’m going to name him Hooty

Feather Life Force Wing. At least, that’s his nickname for now. Until he decides to tell me

his real name.

My hands are starting to go a bit numb from cold as I write this so I’ll be brief. I miss you

so much, Tom. The moments in the vision tent at the retreat have been resonating in my

private chakra ever since. I’ve written you a poem, my spiritual partner, that echoes through

the forest and into the lowlands.

Earth Mother grows

The wind, it blows

and when it snows,

I’m cold

The trees, they all creak

The air, it is sweet

The birds, when they tweet,

I’m cold

Wish you were near

But you aren’t, my dear

And so, a tear,

Man, it is really cold

I’ll leave you with that, my Wolf Essence. As I go to sleep tonight, wishing you were here,

I will pray to Earth Mother that our spirits will unite once again and I will be able to fill you

with the filling fulfillment that I am full of. I’ll try to send another letter when my supply

man comes again to bring me razors and shaving cream.

Spiritually yours,

China Grove

As China exits, the freeze breaks and Tom looks up,

deeply moved.

RICH

(Cheerfully)

Hey? How was that? Good? You feeling good?

TOM

I- I have to go.

RICH

Go? Where?

TOM

To the forest. To my love.

RICH

(Jumping up)

Hey Hey wait a minute, Tommy Boy. You can’t be serious. You don’t wanna go out there.

You don’t have a tent or a a a shovel or an automatic weapon-

TOM

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I have to go to her.

Tom goes to exit

RICH

No! You, you can’t go!

TOM

Why? I can’t leave her up there, lonely, freezing to death. Talking to birds. She needs me.

And I need her.

RICH

Listen Tommy, she’s not freezing to death. Ok? And she’s not talking to birds either.

TOM

How do you know? She’s probably-

RICH

I know because I- I wrote that letter.

TOM

(Pause. Without attitude.)

Oh no she didn’t.

RICH

Yes, she did.

TOM

Why would you do something like that?

RICH

Because you’ve been so down lately that I thought I’d be a good friend and cheer you up,

y’know. Give you something to look forward to.

There is a knock at he door. Tom stares at Rich

And, I was gonna be short on rent this month so I wanted to butter you up a bit before I hit

you up for money.

Tom continues to stare. There is another knock. This time

it is more intense.

I- I’m really sorry, Tommy Boy.

TOM

(Hurt)

I don’t understand. That’s the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to me.

There is more knocking which has become even more

desperate. Angrily, Tom goes to the door.

Jesus Christ! What the hell do you want?

Tom opens the door and China Grove enters, Shivering.

TOM

China!

CHINA GROVE

Oh, Wolf Essence. I’m so sorry to drop in unannounced like this. But do you have any idea

how cold it is up there?

The two men look at each other, gobsmacked.

And Scene.

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