MAT & THOM and DANI & ZACH are in Mat’s Apartment saying goodbye to each other.

MAT is telling a story, laughing nervously and desperately throughout. THOM hovers near him quietly at all times.

The space is mostly empty, but there is a thing sitting on the window sill that looks like a large digital watch with no face, or some kind of futuristic dog collar.

MAT Yeah! Yeah! I remember this one time I secretly filmed my girlfriend and I having adult sex. When we broke up, I kept watching it over and over again…pummelling my rod into a pudding. Finally, when I thought it was truly time to move on, I deleted it. Fuck am I pissed about that! Biggest regret of my goddamn life! Ha! …Almost! Hahaha!

ZACH Well, I–

MAT Seriously! Seriously! Ha. That’s why I gave all that shit up. Internet ruins your life man, am I right?


DANII mean–

MAT Fuckin’ A right! I know, I know. God, It is great to see you guys. Great. I’m sorry again about missing the wedding.

DANI Ohhhh …it’s….fine… Yeah….                                       ZACH Ohhhhh……

MAT No no no. I’m an asshole. Fuck me. Fuuuuuck me.


ZACH Well Thom, it was nice to meet you.

(Thom does not shake his hand)


DANI We should really hit the–

MAT Nah nah nah, don’t go. Don’t Go! Haha! It’s only been what, like 45 minutes?

THOM 52.

MAT (suddenly angry) What?! No! That’s– Well hey, we’ve still got 8 minutes! (catching himself) Before…an hour has passed. Like we said an hour. Is about. How long we said we’d visit for. 52 minutes does not an hour make. Hahaha. So going vacation huh? Road trip! That’s great. You’re out the door right now? Soon as we say goodbye?

ZACH Yup. Car’s all packed. We’re headed straight down to–

MAT HO WHOA!! HEY! Hey. ‘Snot important where you’re going, just that you’re going on vacation. Gettin’ away from it all. That’s nice. That’s really nice. Man I’d love to–

Mat makes a sudden move toward the window. Without hestation, Thom violently takes him down.

MAT (through pain) Ooph. Heh. Heh heh heh. Good one buddy. Nice move. Thom’s a trained UFC fighter. Ugh. He’s been teaching me how to defend myself. “Never leave yourself unguarded!” Lesson number one. 15-Love amigo. Point made. I’ve been learning all that shit though. It’s cool. Judo chops and sleeper holds and roundhouse kicks and shit.

He demonstrates…poorly.

DANI Look. Mat. We wanted to talk to you. We don’t really understand what’s going on with you.

MAT Wha?

ZACH We know things have been rough since Nina left, and you’ve got this new no-technology thing and your new, uh, roommate. Great to meet you by the way Thom. But it really hurt our feelings and worried us when you didn’t come to the wedding.

MAT I know! And I’m kicking myself! I just totally got caught up. With work. You know?

ZACH I mean you couldn’t call or email anyone?

MAT I gave up my phone and computer man. It all. Went down pretty quickly.

DANI Are you sure you’re ok?

MAT YEAH! Yeah! I’m great. Just taking a break from some things. Trying to make do with what I’ve got.

DANI Nina said she hasn’t seen you at work for a while.

MAT Yeah, I quit. Fuck Convertible Bonds. Been around the house a lot. Part of the new phase I’m in. Working from home now.

ZACH Without a computer or phone?

MAT I’m a problem solver, right? So I thought I’d see what problems I could solve with whatever’s around the homestead. I’ve been making some stuff.

DANI (indicating what looks like a big digital watch) Is that what this is?

MAT No that’s Thom’s. This is what I’m talkin’ about.

He pulls out a toothbrush whose handle has been sharpened to a point. Oh boy.

MAT It’s a combo toothbrush/toothpick. Brush your teeth with one

end, pick your teeth with the other. Callin’ it “Pick n’ Brush”: why buy both, when you can get ‘tooth’ for one? Heh?

DANI Oh. Yeah.

ZACH Hmmm. Looks a little dangerous. Is it sharp?

MAT Just the tip.

Mat has casually strolled near Thom with the Pick N’ Brush. He’s calm.

MAT But you can’t pick your teeth with a dull point eh Thom?

THOM I think it’s time for everyone to leave.

MAT Oh yeah. You’re right man. You’re right. Well guys I guess–

Mat has turned to face his friends, then quickly whips around and stabs Thom in the neck with the Pick N’ Brush. Thom is caught off guard, and collapses to the ground.

ZACH Oh CHRIST!! Oh Christ! Oh! Oh Christ!

DANI Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

MAT Guys! Guys. Guys. Guys. Guuuuuuuys. It’s cool. It’s cool. It’s coooooool. Thom’s not my roommate. Thom’s not my roommate. He’s an asshole. And I’m his prisoner. Well, I’m a prisoner of the State. I’ve been under House arrest. It’s awful! I have to wear this tether on my ankle and it alerts the cops if I leave the house. Supervised visitation is the only time I get to take it off. Now I’m free. They won’t know I’m gone for at least a few hours when Thom doesn’t check in. So I’m good. I can come with you guys now. Cool?

DANI Uh. What?

ZACH You just killed a prison guard with a homemade shank. At home.

MAT I know! Oh shit! Oh shitty fuck. I’m dead. I can’t go anywhere. I’m through. It’s over. I’m sorry Thom. (re: Pick N’ Brush) I’ve created a monster.

ZACH (as Dani dials the phone) It’ll be ok, man.

MAT Really?

ZACH Well, you’ll probably go to real prison now.

DANI (re: phone, quietly to Zach) They’re on their way.

ZACH Why were you under house arrest?

MAT Distributing Child Porn.

ZACH Wow.                                                                DANI Wow.

MAT  Where were you guys going on vacation?

ZACH Ummmm. Disneyworld.

We can hear sirens. THE END