A: So the first thing she says is: “Boo, motherfucker. Boo!”

B: Uh-huh.

A: So I knew she meant business.

B: Right.

A: I mean. Here I am, little man just out of junior high school, and here’s this woman. A Miss Robinson with the hugest…treats. I mean chocolate vampires and candied apples and gobstoppers and the list goes on.

B: Right.

A: So my buddy slapped me on the shoulder and said we should go. His parents whooped him for profanity and as a result he had an irrational fear of these things.

B: Okay.

A: So I said to him, “Fuck off to your mommy and leave me alone.”

B: Whoa.

A: And he took off like the little sissy he was, in tears of course.

B: Of course.

A: And so now it’s just me and this woman with the sweetest pair of apples I’d ever seen. I mean, wow.

B: Yeah…so what happens.

A: So I said could I taste one of those candied apples. And she says, “Well, what do I get for it.” And I take out my Michaelangelo numchucks and perform my best series of moves. And she says here you go sweety. I took a bite. Dude, it was the moistest apple I’d ever tasted…To this day.
B: Okay.

(Pause.)

B: Okay, what was the point of that story?

A: Well, it’s like this: You know global warming and stuff?

B: Yeah.

A: Well, the woman with the apples and treats, that’s like Mother Earth, right?

B: All right.

A: And the apples and treats and stuff, that’s like the fruits of the earth.

B: Mmhm.

A: And I just wonder, where are the apples going. Like will my kid have that kind of experience?

B: Well, let’s get you laid first. How long’s it been?

A: Asshole, I’m trying to make a point.

B: I’m listening.

A: Okay, so like the candied apples are…let’s say they’re oil.

B: But they’re fruit.

A: (he glares at B)

B: Sorry, go on.

A: Everybody wants this intoxicating fruit, and they have to get it from these voluptuous women who talk dirty and drive a hard bargain.

B: So Asians should win all the oil.

A: What?!

B: Well, you got the apple by your numchuck prowess, right?

A: Dude, you pay attention to the most random stuff.

B: You tell me the most random stuff.

A: Whatever. The point I’m trying to make is…I’m scared about what’s going to happen.

B: There’s no reason to be scared, you’re with me.

A; What?

B: I mean, you’ve got numchuck skills, and I’ve got these big ole muscles.

A: Do show.

B: Look…You wanna touch them?

A: Wha?

B: Okay, you’re scared about the fruits of the earth being lost or being in the wrong hands or whatever.

A: Right.

B: And I’m scared of the same things.

A: Well, you should be.

B: But there’s one other thing I’m scared of.

A: What’s that?

B: Well…I don’t know how to say it.

A: Go on.

B: Well, okay say the pair of apples that the woman had wasn’t enticing to you.

A: All right.

B: But your friend had a big candied corn. And you had been eying it in his bag for a while.

A: Well, I do like candied corn.

B: Right, so when the woman screams at you “Boo, motherfucker. Boo,” you simply run away with your friend and share the candied corn instead. And you starts licking the sides and seeing how long it can last or seeing how many you can fit in your mouth at one time. And you’re like there’re so many different ways to enjoy candied corn. But if you only worried about the apples, you’d never experience the amazing qualities of candied corn, and it’s right under your nose.

A: I think I have to go.

B: Can I come with?

A: No, I’m trying to avoid a confrontation.

B: Who with?

A: You, man.

B: Me?

A: Yeah.

B: Confrontation about what?

A: That was the gayest conversation I’ve ever had in my lifetime.

B: Gay?

A: How many different ways there are to enjoy a candied corn? You picked practically the only candy that’s also a phallic symbol.

B: Dude, I thought we were talking about global…

A: Hey, man. Just chill out.

B: No what I’m saying is…

A: Dude, you’re in love with me. I get it. It happens. I mean, look. I’m an attractive guy. I’m intelligent. I know music theatre. I’m single. Obviously with my latest track record of not getting laid, you made some assumptions.

B: You’re an asshole.

A: I knew you’d react like this. Listen I like you as a friend, I’m just not with you on your candied corn. I’ll stick with my candied apples.

B: Will you fucking let me speak?

A: You don’t have to say anything. I like you, too, but…

B: Candied corn is corn fuel you dick! Apples are oil. Corn is corn. Not penises…penii. Corn! Fuck! I thought we were having a great allegorical discussion about global warming and the depletion of the earth’s resources and you start calling me gay.

A: Sorry, but I was calling apples oil. There’s no link whatsoever. Corn equals corn is not using the allegorical imagination.

B: I think I need to leave.

A: Why?

B: You just called me gay.

(Secret sound cue)

A: What the fuck was that?

B: I don’t know. Some weird fucking noise.

A: I think it’s the signal the end of the world’s coming.

B: What?

A: I love you! (A kisses B passionately)

B: (pushing A off) What the fuck!

A: I want some candied corn.

B: I hope you’re talking in some fucked up nonsensical allegory.

The End

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