DON’T JUDGE ME A ShotZ Play by Kendra Celeste Hughes
Three women are in a playroom. JEN is pregnant and eating out of a tub of ice cream the whole time.
KATHLEEN
This is Jen, she’s Martha’s assistant and I’m “His” assistant. So… How do you feel the cooking went?
ANIKA
Oh, OK, Well, I felt good about the salmon. But you know, honestly, if “He’s” going to microwave it later, like around midnight –
KATHLEEN
How do you know he eats at midnight?
ANIKA
You said –
KATHLEEN
No I didn’t.
ANIKA
OK.
KATHLEEN
None of that matters. If you cook it right, we’ll hire you.
ANIKA
Really? Oh, that’s good to hear, you know I was pretty nervous but I think I handled myself well —JEN stands up to stretch her back.  OH My God! Wow, you’re really—
KATHLEEN
Sht, sh, sht. No no no. Don’t. So, let’s see… tell me about the chicken.
ANIKA
OH! Um, OK, well, I marinated it and—
KATHLEEN
Mmm. This is not a pleased Mmmm.
ANIKA
So… then I made a succotash with onions and peas and peppers—
JEN
Yeah, we ate it.
ANIKA
Oh. OK, so what are you asking for here? I want to answer your questions but I guess I’m not understanding.
KATHLEEN
Look, if you get this job, you’ll have to be very specific and controlled. “He” was in the army and “He” went to Princeton and Yale and “His” job is very difficult, so you can’t be all weird and you can’t ever say you don’t understand.
ANIKA
I understand.
KATHLEEN
Good. OK, let’s see…Ooohhh… here’s a biggie. I see your birthday is April first.
ANIKA
Yes, it’s funny, right? April fool’s day—
KATHLEEN
You talk too much. You give too much information.
ANIKA
But you asked me—
KATHLEEN
Would you be willing to change your birthday?
ANIKA
Are you serious?
KATHLEEN
I’m serious. “His” Birthday is April first and he doesn’t want anyone on his staff to have the same birthday as him.
ANIKA
Well, I don’t know what changing one’s birthday involves, that seems, like I mean, you’re born when you’re born, right? Is it legal at all? I would have to fake documents and—
KATHLEEN
Stop. Can you hear how much you talk?
ANIKA
Pause. Thinks back to what she just said. Yes.
KATHLEEN
Good. So? Changing your birthday?
ANIKA
Look, I’m sorry, I’ve gotten this far in the interview process; can I know who I’m cooking for?
KATHLEEN
Jen, did you bring the confidentiality agreement?
JEN
Seriously? She did, and she pulls it out of her bag and puts it on the table.
KATHLEEN
OK, so just sign here, at the bottom. It just basically says if you speak to the press, or anyone really,
about any of the family’s personal information we can sue you. For A LOT of money. We did it once.
ANIKA
Ummm—
JEN
You wanna know who the guy is right? So just sign. No big deal. Jeeesus Chhhriist. This one! It’s not a fucking fool’s errand. This is serious shit, girl.
ANIKA
Oh, alright, here. She signs.
KATHLEEN
Good. Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court Samuel Anthony Alito Jr.
ANIKA
OH GOD! Wow. He was nominated by Bush! George Fucking Bush. Elch. Sandra Day O’Conner was—
KATHLEEN
OK, OK, OK, look, we don’t say those kinds of things around here! Come on! Does cooking have anything to do with politics? Does it matter at all to you? I want you to think about it.
ANIKA
She thinks about it. No, no no. You’re right. The pay is amazing and he could be a really nice guy—
JEN
Asperger’s.
ANIKA
Sorry?
KATHLEEN
I know! She even eats Ass Burgers! Just kidding. it’s a syndrome. Jen, come on.
JEN
Well, it’s true. She should know. He’s a wacko.
KATHLEEN
She can say that because she’s carrying his baby. Now, see, THAT’s the kind of thing you can’t tell anyone now that you’ve signed this. Fun, isn’t it?
ANIKA
Yeah.
KATHLEEN
OK! Everything looks really good! Now, one last thing… we need to see if you can hula hoop.ANIKA laughs.
JEN
She’s not kidding. Get that hoop and do it. You want the job? Jeeesuss Chhriist. This one!
ANIKA
I dunno, guys—
JEN
IF YOU WANT THE FUCKING JOB JUST FUCKING HULA HOOP!
KATHLEEN
Just do it, Anika, OK? ANIKA sighs, thinks about it, and gets up and hula hoops. She’s not very good. She gives up.
KATHLEEN
Come on, Anika! Jen’s 9 months pregnant and she can do it. Come on Jen, Show her.
JEN
Oh, alright. They say it’s good for inducing. I want this fucking thing out. 
JEN gets up and hula hoops and goes into labor. AHHHHH!!!! OH SHIT! HERE IT COMES!
ANIKA
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh MY GOD! should I get someone?
KATHLEEN
No, no no, we don’t have time. Can you do it?
ANIKA
WHAT? Can I do–? OK, jeez, alright, here, come on, legs wide. The baby comes right out.
JEN
Well, that was easy!
KATHLEEN
Phew! Yeah! So! Anika, that was great. Just what we need around here. One more thing.
ANIKA
What?
KATHLEEN
You have to say the baby is yours.
END OF PLAY

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