Rudos y Tecnicos by John Behlmann
For SHOTZ: I Pity the Fool April 2010

Por favor, Oscar!
JANELLE
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO Mi nombre no es Oscar nunca mas. Me llamo…
(touching his mask) …”El Comadreja Furtivo”.
DARLENE
Lights come up on a wrestling practice ring on the grounds of a large Mexican hacienda. A shirtless masked Mexican wrestler enters. This is EL COMADREJA FURTIVO. He begins to rigorously practice his signature acrobatic moves.
After a time, DARLENE, a hired nurse enters. She’s a real Texas bluebonnet. JANELLE shadows her subserviently.
DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE
Talk to him. I cannot. It’s his daddy, too. He’s real upset about it Oscar.
Not yet you’re not. Then when? Father is dead. It must be me. It must be now.
Talk to Rudy, Osc–. (sighs)
DARLENE
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO
El Cumadreya Ferrtavoh. He’s your brother.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO He is not my brother, he is my shame.
DARLENE He just wants to mix it up a little bit. Change is bueno,
right?
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO is silent.
DARLENE Well, y’all are gonna have to figure it out, cause it’s just
y’all now. And me. And Janelle. And that old ass in the yard.
Burro.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO
DARLENE Si. So damnit, Oscar, give Rudy a chance. Just cause your
daddy’s dead doesn’t give you license to be a butthead. Times change. People– Things change. It’s just wrestling.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO No!! USA is ‘wrestling’. “Hulk Hogan”. “Undertaker”. These
are jokes. Big stupid jokes. Mexico is no wrestling. Mexico is Lucha Libre!
Si!!
JANELLE
DARLENE silences her with a look.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO As long as there has been Lucha Libre, there has been order.
Heroes and Villains. “Tecnicos” y “Rudos”. El Comadreja Furtivo, has at times been the greatest villain, el rudo ultimo, that has ever entered the ring of the EMLL.
DARLENE
The EMLL? The Empresa Mexicana de Lucha Libre.
Huh? …like the Mexican WWF.
Oh.
DARLENE
As he waxes historic, El Comadreja Furtivo cannot help but pridefully engage in the classic, generations-old, maneuvers.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE JANELLE
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO My father was El Comadreja Furtivo. And so was his father,
all the way back to the early days of El Santo: the Saint. The very first tecnico of lucha libre. The people’s champion! Born on April Fool’s Day, but fool to no man in his day. But every tecnico needs a rudo: a villain of equal strength. And before there was the Blue Demon, before there was the Hairy American, before there was even the Crazy-Crazy Bear, there was El Comadreja Furtivo: the Sneaky Weasel.
2.
He balanced El Santo’s great fortune with great doom. The Sneaky Weasel yinned his yang.
Well he still can. What? Yin on his wang. Yang.
Yang his wang. Yin his yang. That. Si. No.
No.
No? Si. Si. No. Why not?
DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO JANELLE DARLENE
(to JANELLE) JANELLE
DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO My brother shames us. He cannot stand to live the life of a
rudo. He dreams only of being a tecnico. He wants only for El Comadreja Furtivo to be adored by the people. He cares nothing for tradicion, familia, orgullo!
DARLENE
Wel–
3.
Equilibrio! I don– MEXICO!!
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO DARLENE EL COMADREJA FURTIVO
Beat. She opens her mouth to speak, then glares at EL COMADREJA FURTIVO, as if to say “you done?”
He flicks his head away with an anguished, “aye!”
DARLENE I know you worked real hard to get where you are, Oscar. You
been out here practically every day practicing your daddy’s moves. That shows real dedication. And love.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO And that is why I am now El Comadreja Furtivo: el rudo ultimo!
Now calm down…
DARLENE
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO It is as father would’ve wished.
DARLENE Now you don’t know that…
I do. He told me.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO
DARLENE Well he’s gone now, Oscar. And now it’s just me and Rudy and
you and Janelle and that old ass. EL COMADREJA FURTIVO &
Burro.
JANELLE
DARLENE Si. And things are gonna be a bit different. Your Daddy
loved you, but he cain’t call the shots from heaven.
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO No. El Comadreja Furtivo calls the shots.
4.
DARLENE
Oscar. He left everything to me, Oscar.
Que?
JANELLE gasps!
EL COMADREJA FURTIVO
(beat)
DARLENE Your daddy loved me too Oscar, that’s why I’m his wife now,
and he signed it all over to me. And I’m calling the shots now, ok? Ok? And I decide who gets to wear that mask, Oscar. And I decided that it’s gonna be Rudy.
Que?
JANELLE gasps!
OSCAR
DARLENE It’s time for a change, Oscar. It’s time for this family to
stop bein’ “rudos” and start bein’ “tecnicos”.
Que?
JANELLE gasps!
OSCAR
DARLENE Rudy’s the Sneaky Weasel, Oscar.
Por que?
JANELLE gasps!
OSCAR
DARLENE I love him, Oscar. Your daddy’s been far gone for a long
time, and I been alone. And while you were out here practicin’ your moves, Rudy was inside helpin’ me. Bein’ there. And then one day we just fell in love. I cain’t explain it. I looked up while we were doin’ laundry or something, and cupid shot me in the ass.
El burro?
OSCAR
DARLENE No. The real ass. Sorry hon. But I’m gonna need your
Daddy’s mask now.
5.
OSCAR is stunned. He slowly strips the mask from his face, and hands it over.
DARLENE Ok. You can keep wrestlin’, you just cain’t be the Cumadreya
Ferrtivo. He’s a tecnico now.
Keep practicin’. One day you’ll be a real good ‘Rudo Ultimo’.
OSCAR is defeated. DARLENE & JANELLE leave. Beat. JANELLE rushes back on:
Usted es mucho rudo!
JANELLE (whispering)
She scampers away again. OSCAR practices his moves anew.
THE END
6.

Advertisement