(Hannah Dakota Fanning on a swing set, being a whimsical, little girl.  Enter Man In Black)

 

MIB

Hannah Montana.

 

Dakota

Excuse me?

 

MIB

Are you Hanna Montana?

 

Dakota,

No.  I’m Hannah Dakota Fanning.

 

MIB

Dakota Fanning…War of the Worlds?

 

Dakota

And Uptown Girls, that’s me.

 

MIB

Do you know how I could get in touch with Hannah Montana?

 

Dakota

What, do you think that because we’re teen stars we hang out?

 

MIB

Her country needs her miss.  But we’re running out of time and you’re experience with alien invaders might just qualify you for the task at hand.

 

Dakota

Alien invaders.  Here?

 

MIB

Not yet, but soon.  But once they get here, we can all kiss Zac Efron goodbye.  Bieber too.

 

Dakota

What?!  Why would they wanna hurt them?  Teens love them!

 

MIB

So do aliens… horny, smelly, slimy aliens. Their intention is to take those two back to their home world and Raw Dog them, as an example to our species.  If we do nothing –

 

 

Dakota

What’s raw dog?

 

MIB

Don’t play innocent with me.  Just because you’re hanging out on the playground, swingin’ on the monkey bars, getting slide burns on your ass, doesn’t mean I believe you’re a kid anymore.  You’re tall enough to ride this ride.  Raw dog means just what you know it means.

 

Dakota

But Justin and Zac are my friends.  I couldn’t let them be gang raped by an entire race of horny aliens.  But, what makes you think I could possibly help stop them?

 

MIB

We’ve turned to James Cameron to stop an oil spill.  We sent Bill Paxton to unlock the deadly secrets of tornadoes.  We hired Ronald Regan to end communism. Hollywood has far more experience battling extra terrestrials than Uncle Sam does.  You personally survived a Martian attack.

 

Dakota

It was a movie.

 

MIB

With Tim Robbins!!!

 

Dakota

I know, but…

 

MIB

No “buts,” Miss Montana

 

Dakota

Fanning

 

MIB

Whatever…your two boy toys are about to endure an epic reaming inconceivable to the likes of man. You can sit here and do nothing or help save The Teen Choice Awards!

 

Dakota

You’re right. I’m meant for something bigger, not just filmed adaptations of popular novels, but preventing inter-species sodomy and kicking ass for the Lord. Beam me up Scottie!!

 

MIB

The name’s Frank

Dakota

Whatever. How long before this defilement?

MIB

T-minus 48 hours

Dakota

They think that scares us?  This is Hollywood Frank!  I’ve done a movie with Brittany Murphy, so you know I’ve seen some shit. You think some alien rape scares me?  Bring on those Horny, smelly, slimy, cocksuckers, and I WILL END THEM!!  Why the fuck haven’t we left already?

MIB

You can’t engage these things unprepared.  We have a few tactical details to discuss before we embark. (MIB reaches into trench coat)

Dakota

But you said forty-eight hours!

MIB
Like those two haven’t been gang raped before.  Besides, it’s far more important to vanquish these ass-addicts before this whole teen drama goes down again.  And you better believe they’ll be some going down.

(He pulls a flashlight from his pocket)

Bam!! This is a model g9000 high intensity laser gun.

Dakota

It looks like a flashlight

MIB

That’s the genius of it. In space size doesn’t matter. Here’s how it works…

(He hands the flashlight to her) first you grasp the base of the shaft with your left hand…now wrap your right hand around the shaft. Now slowly…slowly slide your hands up the shaft… now back down…yeah that’s good.

Dakota

Wait a minute, what the hell am I doing?!  Are you?-

(MIB laughs hysterically and removes his sunglasses)

MIB

That’s right, sweetheart.  It’s me again!  He he he.

(He opens his trench coat and flashes her)

Dakota

Eww, gross, not again!

(MIB is moon-walking and taunting her)

MIB

Got you again Fanning.  See you again tomorrow! He he he.

(As he exits)

Dakota

Well I won’t be here!

(Beat)

Yeah, I’ll be here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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