by John Behlmann

For SHOTZ: Double Shotz September 2010


Annie is there. Carter enters.



Instead of sitting in the empty chair, Carter crosses straight to Annie, in essence forcing her to get up and deal with greeting him.

He goes for the hug/kiss on the cheek. She starts with a handshake, sees the hug happening and adjusts to a hug. Kind of. There are hands and arms in the wrong places. It is awkward.

They stand there.

CARTER Good to…


CARTER–see you.


CARTER You look great.



ANNIE (re: chair)

Well, do you wanna–

CARTER Take a seat? Don’t mind if I do.

He picks up the chair and starts to walk away with it. Puts it back.

CARTER Just kidding. Take a seat? Ha. Oh yeah. Great. Great. That’s good.

He sits. He’s all smiles.

CARTER I feel like I never actually see you anymore. It’s funny, we’ve got all these emails about Fantasy Football going back and forth, so we communicate, but I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve…been with you physically.


CARTER Seen you.

ANNIE Yeah, what was it? Barney’s birthday party?

CARTER Yeah, I guess so. Wow.

ANNIE Yeah. Wow. (pause.) It’s ok though, if we saw each other more, we’d probably just be talking about Fantasy Football stats in person.

CARTER Right. Who’s taking our snaps, fumbling our balls, getting our sacks. I’m totally gonna score more than you this year, by the way!

ANNIE Heh. Yeah. We’ll see. Better hope you get a good draft pick. It’s a tougher league this year. Between Barney and You and Betsy and Wallace…

CARTER–And you.

ANNIE Well. We’ll see

CARTERDon’t be modest. You’ve cleaned up, 1st place, what is it, 3 years in a row, now?

ANNIE Well. Draft’s gonna be really important this year.

CARTER I’ll say. But look out! I’m not settling for second place

this year. I can’t swallow anymore number 2.

ANNIE Right.

CARTER And good thing, cause it’s winner-take-all this year.

ANNIE Yeah that was an interesting decision…commissioner. What’s up with that? Did Barney not wanna do it again this year?

CARTER No I volunteered. After 3 years with the same guy, it’s always good to have at least a little break. Right? And who knows, maybe after a little time away from it, he’ll wanna get back in the saddle.

ANNIE Yeah. Right. Maybe.

CARTER Anyway I wanted to mix it up. So in my 1st act as commissioner, I made us a winner-take-all league. Now 2nd place gets screwed just as much as last place. Good for motivation. Raises the stakes.

ANNIE Mmm. Well good luck, and here’s to a good draft on Sunday.

CARTER Yes…here’s to a…good draft on Sunday. So how’ve you been? How’re things?


Pause as he waits for more from her. ANNIE


CARTER (quickly)Good.

He waits for her to ask him.

ANNIE So, how’re you?

CARTER Good, good, you know. Real good. Active. Engaged–

ANNIE Really?

CARTER –with the world. Being commissioner’s a lot work and responsibility, so that’s tough.

ANNIE It is? What do you have to do after you’ve set up the league rules?

CARTER Well. You know, I’ve gotta…email…everyone. And…pick the time and day for the draft.

ANNIE Well that’s all set for Sunday, so…?

CARTER Well yeah, you know, but….

ANNIE (cutting through the shit) Carter, did you invite me here to talk about our Fantasy Football league?


ANNIE Do you have anything you want to say?

CARTER I, uh, actually have a huge favor to ask.

ANNIE Oh god. What?

CARTER It’s about… My little nephew.

ANNIE Ronnie? Is something wrong?

CARTER Yeah. Well no, but….yeah, kind of. No. Yeah. There’s this… walk coming up this weekend.

(he sighs)


CARTER Yeah, it’s the Walk Against Childhood Obesity. And you know, Ronnie’s struggled with his weight, and it’s an important day for him. And it’s important to him to have people he admires walking…in the walk…to show how much they support… being against childhood obesity.

ANNIE (not sure where this is going) Ok.

CARTER Well Ronnie always liked you. And I haven’t told him yet that we’re not still, you know… And his child brain can’t understand complex matters of the heart anyway. And I don’t want to disappoint him on his big day, so I’m wondering…would you walk for me?

ANNIE Uh, in the walk?

CARTER Yeah, it’s just a 5K on Saturday afternoon. At 1pm. In Griffin Park.

ANNIE I don’t understand, why can’t you do it?

CARTER Well Ronnie can’t actually walk the whole 5K. He gets tired, you know. He’s not in great shape. And I like to be with him on that day. To be by his side, sitting on the sidelines. In solidarity.


CARTER And he specifically asked for you. He said “Uncle Carter, can Annie walk for me? Will you ask her? Pretty please?” So here I am. What do you say?

ANNIE I mean, I think I’m free, I guess.

CARTER It won’t take long. And our Fantasy Draft is on Sunday, so you’ll still be free for that. It’d mean the world to him.

ANNIE Ok. I’ll do it.

CARTER Really? Ok, well once you commit, you’ve gotta really promise you’ll absolutely be there. If you backed out now, that would be even worse than saying no.

ANNIE Ok. Fine. Yeah. I’ll be there.

CARTER Great. Well, we should get you confirmed as quickly as

possible. Before I came, I forwarded you an email with the signup confirmation. I already typed in all your relevant info, you just need to click to confirm.


CARTER Can we do that now?

ANNIEI guess, yeah.

Annie pulls out her iPhone.

CARTER Great. Did you get the email?

ANNIE Yeah. Ha! Barney just sent me an urgent email about the fantasy draft. Funny.

CARTER Oh. Great. Ummm…before you check that, can we just confirm your place in the Walk Against Childhood Obesity?! Just open my email and click confirm, and you’re in for Saturday at 1:00. Ok?

ANNIE Jesus. Calm down.

She opens the email from Barney. Does a double take.

ANNIE What is this?


ANNIE Barney says “Carter emailed everyone about the draft, but it looks like he forgot to include you. Here’s the forward. Looks like we’re changing the draft to Saturday at 1. See you then.”



ANNIE Carter, you pathetic asshole


ANNIE Using your fat little nephew to backstab your ex-girlfriend in a fantasy football draft?!

CARTER No! Childhood obesity is a serious problem in this country!

ANNIE You goddamn loser. I cannot believe I was ever associated with you. I was gonna mop the floor with you on Sunday, but it looks like I’ll have to do it on Saturday at 1 instead.

CARTERFine. Whatever.

ANNIE Good luck picking your shitty team again, hope you like losing to a woman for the 4th year in a row.

CARTER I will like it.

ANNIE And tell Ronnie I’m really sorry…that he has such a sad excuse for a man in his life.

She leaves.

CARTER I won’t tell him that. And you can–shut up. He dials his phone.

CARTER Ronnie? Hey buddy, looks like Aunt Annie can’t make the walk on Saturday. She got hit by a car and died. Sorry Pal. But I’ll see you on Sunday.