Shotz Scene #2 (working title)
by Brent Rose
THE LIVING ROOM OF AN APARTMENT
DANIELLE is packing her belongings into a large box.
PATRICK Listen, it’s not you, it’s–
DANIELLE Is she prettier than me?
PATRICK What difference could that possibly make?
DANIELLE I’m not without ego. Is she prettier than me?
PATRICK Estudiarle terridad! Calpulpas! Calpulpas!!
DANIELLE We’ve been dating for two years, I know you speak English.
To you? Per se– Stop saying per se.
Yes. Yes, to me, she’s prettier. Pause.
DANIELLE I would like you to get me a drink please.
Is she prettier? Per se, it’s a matter of subjectivity, per se.
Sure.
PATRICK
He pours her a whiskey.
PATRICK DANIELLE PATRICK DANIELLE PATRICK
DANIELLE Did you meet this slut on the internet?
PATRICK Her name is Ingrid and she’s not a slut. And yes I did.
DANIELLE Charming. What site? E-whoremoney?
PATRICK No. It was iDOLLatry.de
DANIELLE Not familiar with that one.
PATRICK It’s a German sex-doll site.
Your new girlfriend–
Danielle chokes on her whiskey, spitting some out.
DANIELLE PATRICK
Ingrid… is, technically, a German sex-doll. Pause.
DANIELLE You’re leaving me for a sex-doll?
PATRICK Try not to see it that way.
DANIELLE A doll that just lies there like a dead thing while you screw
it. You’re choosing that over me.
PATRICK She’s so much more than that. Here, I want you to meet her.
He goes off.
DANIELLE No! (pause) How is this my life?
Patrick returns, carrying Ingrid. He puts her down.
This is Ingrid. Charmed. Your thing is in my box.
PATRICK DANIELLE INGRID
2.
DANIELLE Her dirty talk needs a little work.
INGRID No, your thing, your lamp, is in my box. That’s my box.
PATRICK Oh! She arrived in that box. I had to like, put her
together. Is it okay if she takes your box?
INGRID I guess, as long as that means you won’t send me back…
I would never!
PATRICK
They start nuzzling. DANIELLE
She can understand us?? Yeah, they can make them incredibly realistic.
German engineering.
PATRICK INGRID PATRICK
She was programed with a college education.
INGRID I have a PhD in English Lit from Harvard.
DANIELLE English Lit? You programed her to study the same thing I
did?
PATRICK Well, her programming came from a much better school.
(aside to Ingrid) She went to SUNY Buffalo.
Hm.
INGRID
DANIELLE You fucking Harvard people.
PATRICK And here’s the best part: she’s a virgin!
DANIELLE You’re telling me you haven’t deflowered her by now?
3.
PATRICK No, I did, but she came with a pack of fifty replaceable
hymens.
INGRID Each time one is expended it launches my Catholic Guilt
Application.
DANIELLE Okay, you know what? Fine. You want her for of her perfect
blonde hair and her perfect blue eyes–
German engineering.
INGRID
DANIELLE And she was custom built to your fantasies–
PATRICK She has three breasts and everything!
INGRID This one’s for his face.
DANIELLE But what she CAN’T give you, is this. You see this thing in
my eye, Patrick? It’s a tear. It’s a symptom of human emotion, and that’s what she can’t give you. She can probably do things for you, sexually, that I can’t–
I have eight vaginas.
INGRID
DANIELLE –but she can’t make you feel, Patrick, because she can’t
feel. Emotions are like assholes; it takes one to know one.
PATRICK If she can’t feel then she’s safe from pain.
DANIELLE And she’ll never know love, and neither will you.
She starts to go.
INGRID “There are some feelings time cannot benumb, nor torture
shake.”
DANIELLE Don’t you quote Lord Byron at me. “The keenest pangs the
wretched find, are rapture to the dreary void…” That’s you. You’re the dreary void.
4.
INGRID (a revelation)
I… whoa. I think I feel something.
PATRICK
What? I think I feel… a feeling. You… you’re heartbroken.
Yes.
And I… I’m the dreary void. That feels… bad.
PATRICK Oh, thanks, Danielle, you broke her. Are you happy now?
DANIELLE No. I just got dumped for a German sex-doll.
She exits. A pause.
PATRICK I’m going to have to send you back.
INGRID …but… you gave her my box.
INGRID DANIELLE INGRID
5.
Art and Music in Our Souls 