A rich lady’s backyard.  There’s a

swing set assembled.  EMILY is there,

smoking.

MRS. FIPPINGER enters.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Oh no, oh no.  What is this?

EMILY

Are you…

(she looks at a piece of paper)

Mrs. Fippinger?

MRS. FIPPINGER

Oh no, oh no, oh no.  What is this?  What is this?

EMILY

This is your Jungle Safari Adventure.

MRS. FIPPINGER

What?

EMILY

This is your Jungle Safari Adventure.

MRS. FIPPINGER

I didn’t request a Jungle Safari Adventure.

EMILY

I’ve got an order right here for one Jungle Safari Adventure

at 1810 Overlook Terrace.  Is this 1810 Overlook Terrace?

MRS. FIPPINGER

Yes.

EMILY

Then this is your Jungle Safari Adventure.

Beat.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Who are you?

Emily stubs out her cigarette, puts in

a piece of gum.

EMILY

I’m your Safari Fun Guide.

Beat.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Well, I specifically requested a Deep Space Galaxy Wonder.

EMILY

Well that’s not possible.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Well, it must be possible because I did it.

EMILY

We don’t have a Deep Space Galaxy Wonder, or any space-

related wonders, available on this fine day.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Well I ordered a Deep Space Galaxy Wonder.

EMILY

Well my order says Jungle Safari Adventure, so I can’t oblige

you there…

(looks at paper again)

…Mrs. Fippinger.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Well, I’ve got the receipt from online right here, and my

paper says Deep Space Galaxy Wonder.  And people will be here

in 1 hour, and I want what I ordered.

EMILY

Let me see that.

MRS. FIPPINGER hands her the receipt.

Emily examines it.

EMILY

Jesus.  Damnit Scotty.

EMILY pulls out her cell phone and

starts to dial.

EMILY

Hold on a minute.

(into phone, too loud)

Hi, Manuel?  Manuel?  Gimme Scotty.  Si.  Scotty.  Si.  Si.

Si.

(shakes her head, waits)

Hey Dumbass.  I’m at Overlook Terrace right now with Mrs.

Fippinger?  And the Jungle Safari is all good to go.  Yeah.

But Mrs. Fippinger says she didn’t order a Jungle Safari.

She ordered a Galaxy Wonder.  Yeah, a Deep Space Galaxy

Wonder.  And it says here that the person who assisted her

phone payment was Scotty Powers.  What the fuck, Scotty?  I

don’t DO Deep Space Galaxy Wonders any more.  I’m here to

lead a Jungle Safari Adventure, and so I am going to do a

Jungle Safari Adventure.  And if you need someone to lead a

Deep Space Galaxy Wonder, then come down here and put on your

spacesuit, and you can fucking beam me up, Scotty.  This is

your issue, not mine.

(She listens)

Yeah, yeah he did.

(Listens)

Oh really?  Oh.  Ok.  I’ll let her know.

She hangs up.

EMILY

I’m sorry there’s nothing we can do.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Excuse me?

EMILY

Your husband signed for the equipment when it was assembled.

If there was a problem, that was the time to bring it up.  I

hope you enjoy your Jungle Safari Adventure.

MRS. FIPPINGER

I will not enjoy my Jungle Safari Adventure!  Look around

you!  Does this look like the appropriate environment for an

adventure in a jungle safari?!  Have you seen the aliens

adorning the trees?  Have you seen the rocket-shaped cake?

As you watched them assemble a ratty termite-infested jungle

gym in my back yard, were you perhaps given pause by the

giant sign saying “Blast Off to a Great Birthday Daniel”?!!

Did that strike you as odd for even a moment?  Did you even

think?

EMILY

Ma’am I’m not paid to think.  I am paid to be a Safari Fun

Guide, and that is what I’m going to be.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Well, I didn’t pay for a Safari Fun Guide, and I didn’t pay

for the temporary installment of a decrepit decades-old swing

set that frankly looks unsafe for children’s use.  I paid for

a Moonwalk, a spacewalk, a bouncy castle, a giant inflatable

cage for jumping children under the age of 10.

EMILY

A Deep Space Galaxy Wonder.  I understand the term ma’am.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Yes, I paid for a Deep Space Galaxy Wonder, and that is what

I am going to get.

EMILY

Ma’am.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Don’t “Ma’am” me, you little lackey.  This is Daniel’s day

and there are a lot of people coming, and the theme of

Daniel’s day, in case I haven’t spelled it out enough to

penetrate your drug-addled brain, is Outer Space.  And while

I’m sure that you have been to some form of Outer Space with

your little friends in your parent’s basement, the real outer

space, Daniel’s outer space, doesn’t have any Jungles or

Safari Fun Guides or any of the attitude and bullshit you

have to offer me.

EMILY

Ma’am–

MRS. FIPPINGER

What Daniel’s Outer Space, however, is supposed to have is an

inflatable Galaxy Wonder for Daniel and his friends to bounce

in, being tended to by a friendly clown dressed as a friendly

astronaut.  And when everyone arrives from the planetarium in

less than 1 hour, instead of all of that, what we have is

you.

EMILY

Ma’am–

MRS. FIPPINGER

You who have offered Jungles instead of Galaxies, problems

instead of solutions, and attitude instead of service.  You

have no answers and no authority, and I don’t even know or

care who you are.

EMILY

I’m the friendly clown, bitch.

MRS. FIPPINGER

Excuse me?

EMILY

Look, I regret that your husband fucked up.  I’m sorry that

you don’t trust him enough to involve him in the intricate

workings of Daniel’s birthday donkey show, which might have

prevented him signing off on what is obviously the wrong

piece of equipment for an Outer Space theme.  But we can’t do

anything about that now.  Even if Scotty wasn’t such a

dickless idiot and there were actually a Deep Space Galaxy

Wonder available, which there isn’t, and on it’s way right

now, which it’s not, your busload of plantarium monkeys would

be disappointed because it wouldn’t be set up in time, and

there wouldn’t be a friendly fucking Space Clown to greet

them anyway.

So we can either tape some rocket ship decorations on this

Jungle Safari Adventure, make that goofy yellow swing a space

pod, and let me do my Safari Fun Guide thing…or you can

flip a fish bowl over your bitch face, pretend to be a space

clown astronaut, and actually engage with your son on his

special fucking day.

Pause.

EMILY

Your clown makeup’s half way there, I can help you with the

rest.  Step away or engage.  What’s it gonna be?

MRS. FIPPINGER thinks.

MRS. FIPPINGER

I think we have some extra rockets in the kitchen.

MRS. FIPPINGER exits.

EMILY lights up another cigarette.

EMILY

Happy fucking birthday Daniel.

THE END.

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