EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Cheryl, and Darlene are on a coffee break.
CHERYL …Liberace and Bugsy Siegel sing a duet. Need I say more?
DARLENE Oh that sounds like so much fun.
CHERYL It was. It was the best evening of dinner theatre I can remember.
CHERYL And the pot roast? Don’t even get me started. I’m still thinking about it. Obviously.
CHERYL Let’s just say the whole experience made it very difficult to come back work. That, and the fact that Frank was awarded “Employee of the Month”.
DARLENE Oh, I know! You would think that he was nominated president of the world or something.
CHERYL I know! And he’s so smug about it, too. He used to – Oh! Shhh! He’s coming he’s coming he’s coming.
(The ladies recover. Frank enters cheerfully. Whistling. Carrying a ‘mug’ which is a large cardboard box with an proportionately large handle on it. In print the ‘mug’ reads “Employee of the Month”)
BOTH Hi Frank.
FRANK Goooood morning, ladies.
BOTH Good morning
FRANK (Taking a sip out of his mug)
Mmmm! I love a good cup of coffee.
CHERYL Me too. Too.
(The two women laugh. Frank, who was mid sip, nearly does a spit-take. but recovers)
FRANK “Me too too”. You almost had me with that one. Man, that would have been embarrassing.
DARLENE I know! Can you imagine?
FRANK I can’t imagine wasting any of this
delicious coffee. I think I’d rather kill myself.
I know. (Frank takes another sip)
I think I’d rather kill you too! (The women laugh. Frank nearly spit-takes once again)
FRANK Oh boy, that was really close that time. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were doing it on purpose.
CHERYL Oh that’s silly, Frank. why would we be trying to get you spit out your coffee?
FRANK Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because this delicious rare bean coffee is quite expensive. Or maybe because it was given to me for being “Employee of the month?”
(He holds up his mug)
DARLENE That is absolutely ridiculous. We are both very proud of you, aren’t we, Cheryl?
CHERYL Of course we are, Frank.
DARLENE There you go, you see? Now, let’s all get back to work, shall we?
FRANK You’re right, it is silly. Yes, let’s get back to work.
(They all get back to work, sitting and typing on imaginary keyboards. Occasionally they sip their coffee. Frank out of his mug)
DARLENE FRANK DARLENE
Did you get the memo about the meeting with the heads about the plan for the project?
FRANK Is it the red one?
DARLENE That’s the one.
FRANK Of course I did. You don’t get to be employee of the month without being diligent about things like that.
DARLENE Oh? Well. Just checking.
(They all sip their coffee again)
FRANK Mmmm. I love this coffee!
CHERYL You sure do.
DARLENE Yeah Frank, I think we’re all getting the idea that you are really into that cup of joe over there.
CHERYL What is it about that coffee that you love so much?
FRANK Y’know, that’s a good question. I don’t know. I guess, when I drink it, it makes me feel . . . I don’t know. Something.
DARLENE Yeah, I guess it does. Huh Cheryl?
CHERYL Yeah. Look at him over there. Mr. “mmm mmm coffee”.
(They laugh. Beat. Frank takes
another sip.) Mr. “Whoa, I think I feel something”.
(They laugh again and, again, Frank nearly does a spit-take)
FRANK Owww! GODDAMNIT CHERYL! (Holding up his mug)
This coffee is really hot! You crack these jokes when I’ve got a mouthful of it and then it goes into my sinuses and it really hurts!
(They both stare at him for a moment)
DARLENE I’m sorry, Frank. It’s not intentional.
FRANK Well, maybe you should just stop trying to be Miss Funny Laugh Jokes all the time. I mean, I don’t know about you two, but I’m here to work, y’know. Be good worker, excuse me “employee”, enjoy some great coffee, and be serious.
(He takes another sip) Mmmm. Now, can we get back to work?
DARLENE Of course we can, Frank. We’re sorry. Aren’t we Cheryl?
CHERYL We are. I am. We are. It won’t happen again. I promise.
FRANK Alright. Thank You.
(He takes another sip) Mmmm. I’m sorry I lost my temper.
CHERYL It’s okay.
FRANK Let’s – let’s just get back to work.
DARLENE Yes. Let’s.
(They all return to work.)
FRANK Maybe I should switch to decaf.
(Both Cheryl and Darlene are mid-sip and both do huge spit- takes.)
That’s why I’m “Employee of the Month” …And Scene