RAMONA stares at an object1 on a table. PETER sleeps on the floor in the corner,
cradling a box of beer. There may be scattered furniture bits or boxes to sit on, but
nothing looks like it’s been consciously placed there.
A beat.
PETER suddenly wakes up with a long, wide-eyed, sustained scream. It subsides. This
is normal and how he usually wakes up. He smacks his lips together, stretches. He sees
RAMONA. He sees the Thing.
PETER: Oh.
RAMONA (never taking her eyes of the Thing): Good morning.
PETER: Oh.
RAMONA: Yup.
Beat.
PETER: Has it…?
RAMONA: Nope.
Beat.
RAMONA: Nope.
Beat.
PETER: I wonder why it came back.
Beat.
RAMONA: I want juice.
PETER: Humulus Lupulus2 juice coming right up.
1
For our purposes, we’ll use a shake weight.This is not a joke, this is what they actually call beer.
2
There is a simple but ritualized moment of getting RAMONA a beer. PETER also gets
one for himself.
Beat.
PETER: Well, shall we?
RAMONA: … yes.
Drink.
PETER: I like Spike.
RAMONA: Nope.
PETER: I love Spike.
RAMONA: No, I think you were closer before.
Think. Drink.
PETER: I like Bike.
RAMONA: … yes.
Drink.
RAMONA: Keep calm and carry bombs.
PETER: YES.
Drink. Think.
PETER: Loose lips blink pips.
RAMONA: Huh.
Think.
PETER: Blink nips?
RAMONA: Think tips?
PETER: Link whips?
RAMONA: Wink chips?
PETER: Closer…
RAMONA: Closer…
PETER: Loose lips wink chips.
Think. Drink.
RAMONA: Eh.
They shrug.
RAMONA: Bee a quay day. 3
Beat.
PETER: I’m sorry?
RAMONA: See a quay day?
PETER: I have no… um…
RAMONA: Si se puede.
Think. Drink.
PETER & RAMONA: Nope.
Drink.
PETER: Dig, sugar, dig.
RAMONA: Hm.
PETER: Pierce, honey, pierce.
RAMONA: Bore, child, bore.
PETER: Penetrate, infant, penetrate.
RAMONA: Puncture, newborn, puncture.
3
Sounds like “Si se puede.”
PETER: Drill, baby, drill.
Beat.
PETER: Drill, baby, drill.
RAMONA (overlapping): Drill, baby, drill.
They look out. They look up.
PETER (at the ceiling): DRILL, BABY, DRILL!
They stare at the Thing. They wait.
RAMONA: I thought for sure…
PETER: DRILL BABY DRILL!
Beat. Ramona drinks. She walks to the table, approaching the thing.
PETER: Please…
RAMONA: Sh.
She slowly reaches her hand forward, touches the Thing. Nothing happens.
PETER (looking fearfully up at the sky): Oh…
Ramona readies herself, and grabs the Thing. It shakes violently in her hand.4 She grabs it
with the other hand and it continues to shake.
PETER (petrified and unsure how to help her): Oh! Oh! Oh!
RAMONA: The burning! It’s burning me! My arms!!
PETER: OH!!!!
Peter is screaming in fear. Ramona is weeping with pain. He manages to pry her fingers
off of the Thing. It falls to the floor, dead. Ramona cries as Peter holds her.
PETER: Hush, darling, hush.
4
Of course, she will be shaking it.
END OF PLAY

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