CAS is behind a news desk

GREG is behind a bar, washing glasses,

half-watching the news

JOHN is dead, with a sheet over him, on the floor

CAS

F Train delays lead to thousands of missed connections; MTA threatens to bring back the V.  Details at 10:00.

[VIVIAN enters.  SHE is harried.  SHE

looks around the room, then sits at the bar.]

GREG

What can I get you?

VIVIAN

Oh… I’m meeting someone here… uh… I’m really late, I might’ve missed him.  The F wasn’t running… have you seen a guy… I only know what he looks like from his profile picture… brown hair, kind of skinny, silly looking, likes the Decemberists and Jim Jarmusch films?

GREG

Someone came in about an hour ago, he seemed pretty affected, but he didn’t seem to be trying THAT hard.

CAS

Hi, I’m Cas Grassley.  What’s behind the spate of sudden barroom deaths?  Tragic news tonight: the silent barroom killer has claimed its newest victim.  31-year-old John Eggers was pronounced dead at the scene—

VIVIAN

That’s the guy I’m supposed to be meeting!

CAS

—just a few minutes ago at the Shaker Street bar —

GREG

That’s here.

CAS

— where moments earlier he had been eagerly anticipating a first date with a mystery woman.  This brings the death toll from this pernicious killer to one.  Authorities are unclear as to whether Eggers died of natural causes, or whether foul play was involved, but have advised people to panic either way.  We’ve obtained an exclusive photo of the mystery woman he was slated to meet, and police are looking for her now..

VIVIAN

That’s my high school graduation photo.

CAS

Senior alarmist correspondent Dan Branson is on the scene.  Dan?

[CAS runs out from behind the news desk and

appears, a distinct character, on the scene]

GREG

Wow.  You look so different with straight hair.

VIVIAN

How did they get my picture?

DAN

Thanks Cas.  Runaway trains.  Giant squids.  And tonight a deadly new concern that’s left a grieving girlfriend wondering what went wrong.  Shocking new details are emerging in the case of John Eggers, a seemingly healthy internet dater and Jim Jarmusch fan who died suddenly while waiting for his electronic sweetheart.

[DAN steps over the body, covered in a sheet,

which GREG and VIVIAN only now notice.]

Is he another victim of the silent barroom killer?  We’re first on the scene, and I have the mystery woman with me right now.

[DAN approaches VIVIAN]

Mystery woman, how are you taking news of John’s sudden death?

VIVIAN

I…

DAN

How long were you two together?

VIVIAN

This was going to be our first date.

DAN

Can you confirm or deny that you’re being considered a suspect in this shocking death?

VIVIAN

I got here just as the news—

[GREG has left the scene and returned as GLENN,

a detective]

GLENN

Yes, the timing is… uncanny.

[VIVIAN and DAN stop.  To DAN.]

Cut the cameras, newsboy.  I need to talk to her. 

DAN

Police now arriving on the scene, we’ll keep you posted as we learn more.  Back to you, Cas

[DAN exits, returns to news desk as CAS]

GLENN

Detective Glenn Bennett..  Name?

VIVIAN

Vivian Bacon.

GLENN

What is your relation to the deceased?

VIVIAN

We were about to go on a date.

GLENN

Where?

VIVIAN

Here.

GLENN

How romantic.

VIVIAN

Are you serious?

GLENN

Where did you meet the deceased?

VIVIAN

The internet?

GLENN

The internet… I see.  And where is that, exactly?

VIVIAN

Where on the internet?

GLENN

On the topic of the internet, yes, where is it?

VIVIAN

The internet is… are you …?  The internet is a series of… I mean, it’s all around.

GLENN

So you’re saying you met the deceased “all around”?  Can you be more specific?

VIVIAN

I met him on a site that—

GLENN

That?

VIVIAN

Yes, a site that—

GLENN

Do you mean where? A site where?

VIVIAN

It’s a site that—

GLENN

I don’t think “that” goes there, Ms. Bacon.  Tell me where the site is.

VIVIAN

This is ridiculous.  The bartender saw me come in, he—

GLENN

What bartender, Ms. Bacon? 

VIVIAN

Oh my G-d… Oh my G-D!  Do you think John saw me come in, and died so he wouldn’t have to go on a date with me?

GLENN

I would have [pause] taken you to dinner and movie.  But that’s between you and the deceased.  My partner and I are getting awfully tired of your games.  Was the deceased alive when you met him at the internet?

VIVIAN

Yes.  I mean, I think so.  I was at home on my—

GLENN

He came to your house?

VIVIAN

No, he was online—

GLENN

On line?  For?  Have you ever had straight hair, Ms. Bacon?

VIVIAN

In high school, but—

CAS

Was it natural—

VIVIAN

No, I used a straightening iron, but—

CAS

—or was it murder?  A suspect in the unexplained barroom deaths is now being questioned, and we have Dan Branson on the scene.  Dan?

VIVIAN

What is going on?  Is anyone else seeing this?

[GLENN has left, returns as GREG]

DAN

Cas, the medical examiner is confirming tonight that Eggers’s intestines were severely distended.  Intestines.  Distended.  Two words that sound great together, but they spelled the end for Mr. Eggers.

GREG

Disgusting.

VIVIAN

Where did—

DAN

Intestines, the most mysterious part of the body.  Scientists report that if you unwind a man’s intestines, they’ll stretch all the way to the moon and back 6,000 times.

GREG

That’s your DNA, not your intestines, actually.

DAN

Fuck you, barkeep.  It’s not your story.

GREG

It isn’t a story, it’s a fact.

DAN

It isn’t.  It’s not.  Two phrases that sound different, but that mean the exact same thing.  We’ll have more details on this linguistic oddity as they emerge.  Back to you, Cas.

GREG

Drinks are on me tonight.

VIVIAN

You know, I hate the Decemberists.  I just thought he was sort of cute.

GREG

[lifts sheet, shrugs]

Eh…

VIVIAN

Poor guy.

GREG

Let’s raise a glass to him.

[pours 2 glasses]

To a person trying to make a human connection.

VIVIAN

To a guy who was willing to spend an evening with me, and see where it went.

GREG

To some shared interests, and a shared willingness to fake some others.

VIVIAN

To the lengths that we’ll go to find a faint signal in the oppressive noise.

GREG

To historical accident and the vagaries of circumstance.

VIVIAN

That’s a little much.

GREG

You think?

VIVIAN

Yeah.

GREG

You could’ve fallen in love with him.

[JOHN rises.  HE and VIVIAN hold each other,

almost kiss.]

VIVIAN

But I didn’t.

[JOHN is tossed aside, but kindly, and falls back to

the floor.]

GREG

No.

[THEY kiss]

CAS

Thousands of DNA strands found wrapped around the moon.  Details at 11:00.

[Blackout]

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