DEE is in one space, backstage at a concert.

MADISON is in another space, maybe behind a desk

THEY are in their own realities.

MADISON

Hello, I’m James Madison.  Thanks for tuning in, whatever that means.  As the advancement and diffusion of knowledge is the only guardian of true liberty, today we are counting down the top 10 constitutional amendments of all time.  The Constitution: the imperfect miracle that consecrated our victory over oppression.  For the last two centuries we have chipped away at its shortcomings through amendments that ensure our liberties.

Coming in at number 10…

DEE

What do you mean we can’t play?  We’re Twisted Sister.  I don’t care if we got invited to the Lilith Fair 2011 Sister Tour by accident.  So you thought we were women.  We’re not.  The Pointer Sisters sang “Jump (for my love)”, the cast of Sister Act sang their finale, the Scissors Sisters sang their electrotrash, Sista Souljah was terrific, the cast of Sister Act 2 sang their finale.  We came to rock, and we’re gonna rock. 

MADISON

The capacity of the female mind cannot be doubted, as illustrated by its works of genius, of erudition, and of science.  But to let them vote, well, it never crossed our minds.  In hindsight, the proper course is obvious.  But the only state with the foresight to enfranchise women was New Jersey, of all the places.  So I rank Amendment 19 at #6, and only the hundred-year demurral prevents a higher standing.  A century without an equal voice is a lost century.

DEE

I mean, I testified in front of the Senate that rock n’ roll wasn’t sexist, that it caters equally to men and women.  I told Tipper Gore the bondage and sadomasochism she heard in our songs came from her mind. They thought I’d make a fool of myself.  That I’d say something incriminating, admit to encouraging violence.  You want me to admit to something too?  Are you saying we deceived people by dressing in rock n’ roll drag and calling ourselves Twisted Sister?  That our awesome riffs and big hair confused you?  I’m not admitting to anything, man. 

MADISON

Your drama shews love the 5th Amendment, which comes in at #4.  Even before “pleading the fifth” pervaded popular culture, it became the last refuge for perpetrators and heroes alike.  The amendment is far richer, though: the right to property, due process, grand juries, and protection against double jeopardy.  That’s right, this Alex Trebek that you contemporaries love so much is a constitutional scofflaw…

DEE

Shared cultural references are the fabric of our society.  “We’re Not Gonna Take It”, are the most iconic five words in rock n’ roll history.  [listening, then counting on his hand] “I, can’t, get, no, satisfaction.” fine.  But it’s a universal anthem.  It’s not about gender, it’s about a common experience.

MADISON

Coming in at number 3, Amendment 21, which ended prohibition.  Prohibition had broad support, from suffragists to the Ku Klux Klan to Negro labor activists.  But people eventually realized that no matter how well intentioned it is, the government cannot exercise dominion over citizen’s private lives.

DEE

The put us on the “filthy 15” song list.  Fifteen songs so dangerous they needed a warning label  Like I said 25 years ago, it’s up to parents to be responsible for what their kids are listening to in their homes.  The world doesn’t need some self-appointed guardian to protect it .

MADISON

Coming in at 2, Amendment 13, repealing slavery.  Oh, the justifications for this most oppressive dominion.  That we were guardians of inferior beings, providing them with stability and religion.  We knew it was wrong, the distinction of colour in that putatively enlightened time.  The 13th Amendment rectified things, but at the convention, we lacked the gumption, lacked the language to stand up, defy what we knew, and declare, full-throated and clear, we will not countenance this, no, we simply will not countenance this, we will not countenance this any longer.

DEE

“We’re not gonna take it.”  I said it so people would stand up for themselves instead of just falling in line.  Then I defended my right to say it when they said it was too violent.  It peaked at 21, but everyone still knows it.  It’s not about violence, it’s about expression.  We remind people to get up, defy authority, and scream “we’re not gonna take it anymore.”  Because after that they say that, they can say anything.

MADISON

[DEE is putting on his stage makeup and wig]

And coming in at number one, our most treasured creation.  It affirms the right to fight for rights themselves, to be free of caliphate and crusade, to seek redress, assemble, to protest, report in the press, and, of course, to speak.  We peaked at #1, when we sanctified the voice of the people. 

[MADISON has entered DEE’s world]

A crisis has arrived which is to decide whether the American experiment is to be a blessing to the world, or to blast for ever the hopes which the cause has inspired.  I said that back in ’87—

DEE

[not looking up]

The year Atlantic Records cancelled our contract.

MADISON

1787.  When I thought the union would be riven at its seams, when conversations about national bankruptcy obscured the true issues of the day.  That crisis has returned.  The specter of insolvency is being used to silence dissent.  The union is in peril.    

DEE

Who the hell are you?

MADISON

I’m James fucking Madison.

DEE

Alright.

MADISON

They can’t solve the crisis by singing a song.  But they can remind others not to sit idly by as it festers.  They’ve been championed free expression for years.  They can’t stop now.  We stopped.  At slavery.  At suffrage.  Don’t ask them to.  Do you hear the people out there?

[Pause.  Some implicit concession.]

DEE

Alright!  Do you know the song?

MADISON

Hell yeah.

[MADISON reveals Twisted Sister tattoo]

DEE

Will you help me sing it?

MADISON

Hell yeah.

DEE

Let’s do it.  Boys?

[DEE dons wig and streaks his face.  Takes mic.]

Hello St. Marks!

I said, Hello St. Marks!

I know what you came here for.  And I’m gonna give it to you, but I need you to make me a promise first.  Can you make me a promise?

Can you make me a promise, St. Marks?

They didn’t want to let us out here tonight. But we stood up and insisted we be heard. I need you to promise me if you’ve got something to say, you’ll stand up and say it. If you see injustice, you won’t

MADISON

(sit idly by as it festers)

DEE

Sit idly by as it festers!  That you’ll make your voice heard.  That’s why you came here tonight.

Not for the cast of Sister Act 2. You came to ROCK.  So we’re gonna rock.  And we need your help…

[DEE sings “We’re Not Gonna Take it”. 

MADISON holds up posters with the lyrics to the

audience.  Perhaps they’re joined on stage by a

guitarist, perhaps by a crude drummer.]

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