SHANNON is about to host a small party. SHE is preoccupied with minor details, as the lights come up and after.
JULIA is the first guest.
MAURICE is MOLLY’S boyfriend. He wears a metal diving helmet. He is not a giant squid.
MOLLY, however, is.
[Doorbell rings]
SHANNON
Hang on, I’m coming! [SHANNON goes to the door. JULIA is there.] Hi! Come on in.
JULIA
Oh this place is so cute!
SHANNON
Thank you. I’m really looking forward to a normal housewarming where nothing strange happens!
JULIA
Here, I made my calamari salad!
SHANNON
Oh! Calamari, that’s great, thanks. I’ll uh… I’m sure some guests will… recognize it.
JULA
Who else is coming?
SHANNON
Oh, mostly people.
JULIA
Like who?
SHANNON
Most of the guests will be people…
JULIA
Shannon!
SHANNON
Oh, OK, uh…Adam’s coming, Hector, Sarah… that guy Jeff you think is cute, he’s coming, Vivian Bacon is coming… uh… Dan is coming, a giant squid … Allison’s coming…
JULIA
I’m sorry, what did you say?
SHANNON
Allison, you know, Ben’s friend?
JULIA
No, who did you say before that?
SHANNON
Vivian Bacon. Her schedule’s so crazy. I had tentacle plans with her the other n—
JULIA
What are you talking about?
SHANNON
Fine. I said a giant squid was coming.
JULIA
A giant squid?
SHANNON
Remember when I was getting my scuba certification? I was training for my open water exam and she was just… she was down there. And she offered to show me around the bottom of the ocean. I was scared at first but she was just so sweet. And I thought after she showed me around her place, the least I could do is invite her to my housewarming party. Her name is Molly. So yeah, a giant squid is coming. And she’s going to be mad. At you.
JULIA
At me?
SHANNON
You brought calamari.
JULIA
So?
SHANNON
So she’s a giant squid. [long pause] I think I’m going to fill up the tub to make her feel at home. [Exits.]
JULIA
What… how’s she going to get up the stairs?
SHANNON
[Sounds of faucets / water, which build and build. From offstage.] Julia, she’s 40 feet tall. [Re-enters.] She’s already up the stairs. It’s OK. Here, take this. [Hands her a bottle of Wite-Out.]
JULIA
Wite-Out?
SHANNON
Yeah, I just figure she’ll get mad, shoot some ink at you, and we’ll white it out and you’ll be fine. Just let her do it, it won’t be too bad. I’ll pay your dry cleaning bill. [pause.] She’s going to be really upset. [pause.] Oh! I made some shrimp and plankton, here, have some.
JULIA
She won’t get mad about that?
SHANNON
Julia, she eats seafood. [pause.] I think I’m just going to flood the whole apartment, excuse me. [Exits.]
JULIA
Shannon, this is ridiculous. [MAURICE appears in the doorway.] Fine, she eats seafood, but she also IS seafood. Calamari salad is a legitimate appetizer, like nachos or clams casino or mozzarella sticks or pigs in a blanket. It is on menus everywhere. And it is delicious. I will not apologize for liking it. I love putting some lemon on it and dipping it in marinara sauce and eating it. If she wants to shoot ink at me, that’s fine. I’ve had worse bodily fluids shot at me in much stranger settings. She can bring it—
MAURICE
Pigs in blanket is more of zeeee… hors d’oeurves zan an appetizer, wouldn’t you say? Bonjour, je m’appelle Maurice.
JULIA
Hi. Uh, yes, it… I’m Julia. Are you…?
MAURICE
Le boyfriend de Molly.
JULIA
Oh I’ve heard a ton about her.
MAURICE
A metric ton, j’espere
SHANNON
[Enters.] Maurice! How are you? Where’s Molly?
MAURICE
She parks ze car.
SHANNON
You’ve met Julia, I see.
MAURICE
Oui, we… have met, yes. [Water sounds crescendo. Doorbell rings. Water sounds stop. SHANNON goes to door. As she’s getting there, there’s a knock from 10 arms.]
SHANNON
Hang on, I’m coming! [MOLLY enters.] Hi!
MOLLY
Hi! [THEY embrace. MOLLY gets stuck; she has to pry herself off.] What is that smell? It reminds me of home. [to JULIA] Hi, I’m Molly!
JULIA
No, I uh… yes. It’s delicious… nice to meet you.
SHANNON
Can I get you guys anything to drink? I made margaritas!
JULIA
I’d love one.
SHANNON
With salt?
JULIA
Yes, please.
MOLLY
I’ll just take some water.
SHANNON
With salt?
MOLLY
Yes please. [SHANNON exits.] Do you smell something funny?
JULIA
[Nervous.] So… how did you two meet?
MAURICE
I was in my sous-marine at ze aquarium.
MOLLY
And I was there visiting friends… [starts to follow the scent to the calamari]
JULIA
Do you work at the aquarium?
MAURICE
Non, mais zey let me bring in my sous-marine for to get closer to ze fish.
MOLLY
OBviously. What is that smell?
MAURICE
And suddenly, zere was zese two eyes looking at me.
MOLLY
And he was so flustered. All he could do was say “do you come here often?”
MAURICE
And I say “peut-etre, you can help me with ze fish, and zen I give you a ride in my sous-marine.”
MOLLY
And I said “oh, a little squid pro quo!” [THEY all laugh. MOLLY continues, evilly, for a long time.]
MAURICE
And I didn’t get ze joke, but she came into my sous-marine anyway.
MOLLY
[With the calamari. Livid.] Where did this come from?
SHANNON
[re-enters.] Molly, can you help me in the kitchen with these drinks? [MOLLY glares at Julia. THEY exit.]
MAURICE
Thank goodness. Christ, sorry, I just can’t keep that French explorer bullshit up all the time. I’m just a guy who likes to fuck squids, you know? Is that so wrong? Yeah, I cruise the aquarium sometimes when the beach gets too cold, huh? You know what I mean, right? I just like dating squids. Does that make me a bad guy? I date squids. She’s mad at you for ordering calamari, I tried to order octopus once, who knew, she had some distant cousin… every day of my fuckin’ life I’m eatin’ artichoke dip like an asshole, sharing a bloomin’ onion for chrissakes. All I want is some calamari, she thinks I’m Ted Bundy crossed with Captain Fuckin’ Ahab. A man has his NEEDS, and I need some calamari sometimes, you know? But I like dating squids so what can you do? You’d fuck a giant squid, huh? Are you tellin’ me you wouldn’t fuck a giant squid? If he was into it, you know? You wouldn’t fuck a giant squid just one time? Just one time, you wouldn’t fuck a squid? Someday I’ll get the balls to tell her hey, it was fun, but there’s a lotta fish in the sea, you know? But she writes me love poems all day… 10 fuckin’ arms and all the ink she needs. You ever fuck a squid you’d know what I’m talkin’ about. [MOLLY and SHANNON have reentered. pause.] So I fuck squids. [pause.] You know what I mean? I’m not a criminal, just a guy who fucks squids. [pause.] You want to fuck a giant squid, you’d better be prepared to make some sacrifices.
MOLLY
Honey?
MAURICE
Ah, ma petite Cherie… eh…
MOLLY
Did you just say that…
MAURICE
Ah, well. It was fun while it lasted. Gotta go. Good luck, everyone. [MAURICE runs off.]
MOLLY
First you bring calamari. Then you turn my French explorer dreamboat boyfriend into a monster.
JULIA
I didn’t—
MOLLY
YOU. [Starts an elaborate dance to prepare to attack JULIA. JULIA takes out the Wite-out bottle and unscrews the top. THEY circle each other.]
SHANNON
[Doorbell rings.] Hang on, I’m coming!
[Blackout]
Art and Music in Our Souls 