SAMANTHA is a young child, but she thinks she’s an adult.
GARY is a slightly older child.
THE ELEPHANT is the aforementioned plush elephant
[SAMANTHA is on a real phone that’s treated like a
toy phone. GARY is playing with a _____.]
SAMANTHA
So his face is in his hands, you know, one hand over each eye, but I know he’s back there. I know what he’s going to do. And he pops out with this big grin on his face and he’s like “peekaboo” and he’s acting like it’s a miracle he’s still there. And he expects me to react. And I’m all like “wow, dad, I never thought I’d see you again.” Asshole. Maybe two months ago, I would’ve been surprised, but not now.
GARY
I’m gonna need that toy phone back now, Samantha. I have to talk to you about something.
SAMANTHA
It’s like when they’re like, “Here comes the airplane” and pop some food in my mouth. First time I went to LaGuardia, mom pointed to the runway and said “there’s the airplane” and I’m like, who the FUCK is gonna eat all that? Uh, I was so dumb.
GARY
Sam, I found something out about mom and dad. Please give me the phone.
SAMANTHA
Hold on a sec. [to GARY] No, it’s mine.
GARY
It is not yours. It’s mine, and deep in your tiny heart, you know that.
SAMANTHA
Mine!
GARY
Look, we had a particular agreement. Do you know what a huge concession it is for a three-year-old to temporarily relinquish a toy?
SAMANTHA
You look. Possession is 9/10th of the law, and the other tenth is fuck you, it’s mine.
GARY
Fractions? Seriously? You precocious fuck.
SAMANTHA
Well do YOU seriously expect to me to remember our agreement? It wasn’t until last week that I remembered I have feet. I was looking down like, oh right, sweet, those are amazing—
GARY
(You can hardly even use them.)
SAMANTHA
Yeah, I had all kinds of goldfish action going on, surprises every time. Kept me filled with wonder. So memory isn’t my strong suit. Besides, it’s a fool’s errand to try to enter into a legally-binding contract with someone under 18, let along someone under 18 months. Why don’t you call the cops you fucking narc?
GARY
I don’t need to call the cops. I have something better. [takes out a _____]
SAMANTHA
Oh Jesus. That is better. [pause] Can I have it?
GARY
Sure.
SAMANTHA
Seriously?
GARY
Yes seriously. [passes it to SAMANTHA] Because this isn’t what I have that’s better.
SAMANTHA
Mine…
GARY
Can I at least have the toy phone back?
SAMANTHA
No. That’s mine too.
GARY
Will you at least do the person on the other end a favor and get back to the call?
SAMANTHA
[Rolls her eyes, picks up phone.] So anyway, he sticks his finger out and I grab on, and he’s like “Oooooh, look, she’s grabbing my finger. She’s really holding on tight, she’s so strong” and I’m like, you have no idea. I’ll rip that thing clean off if you don’t SHUT UP about how amazing every. little. thing. I do is… [to GARY] Wait, what did you say?
GARY
That isn’t what I have that’s better.
SAMANTHA
[Playing it cool.] What do you have that’s better?
GARY
Other than object constancy and teeth?
SAMANTHA
Yes, other than object constancy and OH MY G-D WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT _____ GO?!
GARY
It’s right under that piece of paper.
SAMANTHA
No it’s gone, it’s… [finds it] oh… ok. Huh! [under her breath] Object constancy. What a relief. Anyway… you were saying?
GARY
I was saying that I know something. You know that even though we disagree about who owns what and we don’t see eye to eye on the crying-to-get-attention issue, you know that despite those things, I love you very much, right?
SAMANTHA
OH. MY. G-D. You are such a sap.
GARY
Sam, I need you to listen carefully. There will come a time when all of this seems so unimportant, and we’ll need to understand each other by then. You know Aunt Jessie?
SAMANTHA
Oh yeah, the one who’s always like, “who’s the cutest baby? Who’s the cutest?” Spoiler alert: it’s not you.
GARY
Will you listen to me for a second? You know how she hasn’t been around in a while?
SAMANTHA
Wait, let me check my logbook of every asshole who’s fawned over me in the last few months.
GARY
SAMANTHA! She’s gone.
SAMANTHA
Uh… [looking around] Yeah, no shit.
GARY
No, I mean she’s gone gone. Like, forever. Like that plush elephant of yours I threw down the sewer grate.
SAMANTHA
You WHAT?!
GARY
She’s not coming back.
SAMANTHA
OK, doctor-fucking-object-constancy. I thought you were implying that just because something isn’t in my line of vision doesn’t mean it’s gone.
GARY
Samantha, I need you to concentrate. Stop focusing on shiny things and listen to me.
SAMANTHA
Look, I get it. Aunt Jessie’s gone. My plush elephant’s gone. But you’re still here. Mom and dad are still here. This thing you’re talking about, it isn’t going to happen to you and me. I mean, the elephant is one thing, but… [THE ELEPHANT enters, slow and deliberate.] No. Look at you! You’re fine. Where do you think we’re going to disappear to? That’s ridiculous.
GARY
It is going to –
SAMANTHA
This isn’t going to happen to mom and dad. [pause] Stop it. You’re scaring me.
GARY
I’m scared too, but—
SAMANTHA
So what you’re telling me is, peekaboo is real? It is a miracle every time?
GARY
It is something to be treasured, yes.
SAMANTHA
No, it’s… that can’t be right. Why would that possibly be right? [SHE sees THE ELEPHANT and laughs.] Oh THERE he is! [runs over to THE ELEPHANT] Hi Ellee. Oh, I KNEW it! I knew he was just joking!
GARY
Samantha, we need –
SAMANTHA
[“sees” someone in the distance.] Aunt Jessie! Hi! Why yes, I AM the cutest little baby! Want to see how tight I can grab your finger? [THE ELEPHANT and SAMANTHA are waltzing.]
GARY
Sammy, they’re gone. You’re just remembering. One day you’re –
SAMANTHA
Oh, Gary, the jig is up! I can still see everyone! There’s no such thing as a sewer grate. It’ll be like this forever.
GARY
Samantha one day you’re going to get a phone call – [phone rings]
SAMANTHA
You’re my favorite, Ellee. You’ll always be here, right? [THE ELEPHANT nods. Phone rings louder.]
GARY
You’re just imagining him. He’s not coming back.
SAMANTHA
Isn’t my brother silly? He’s always trying to trick me, but I’m too smart for him. [phone rings even louder]
GARY
ONE DAY YOU’RE GOING TO GET A PHONE CALL— [phone rings very loudly]
SAMANTHA
All these toys, this song, this wonderful family, what could ever go wrong?
GARY
SAMANTHA YOU’RE NOT UNDERSTANDING ME. IT MIGHT BE SOON, IT MIGHT BE MANY YEARS FROM NOW, BUT ONE DAY YOU’RE GOING TO GET –
SAMANTHA
Kiss me, Ellee. [phone rings. THE ELEPHANT pulls out a toy phone.]
THE ELEPHANT
Hello? It’s for you. [hands phone to SAMANTHA]
GARY
One day you’re going to get a phone call…
SAMANTHA
Hello? [THE ELEPHANT exits. And/or dies. SAMANTHA is older.] What? No, that’s… is he… what do you mean? [pause. deep breath.] OK. OK. I thought… OK. You scared me. I misheard you. I’ll come by this afternoon. OK. You really scared me. OK. Love you. Bye. [SAMANTHA exhales. Or maybe deflates. Pause. SHE goes to GARY for comfort.]
GARY
That wasn’t the phone call I was talking about.
SAMANTHA
I know.
GARY
But it’s still coming.
SAMANTHA
I know. [SAMANTHA and GARY are waltzing] You can have your phone back if you want.
GARY
It’s OK. You keep it. [pause] You know things are going to get a lot harder.
SAMANTHA
I know.
GARY
But they’ll also get a lot better.
SAMANTHA
I know.
GARY
I’ll stay here with you as long as I can.
SAMANTHA
I know.
[Lights fade. BLACKOUT.]
Art and Music in Our Souls 