DR. SEUSS is Dr. Seuss.
SAMANTHA is his patient. And an unexpected hero.
DR. SEUSS
Samantha?
SAMANTHA
Yes?
DR. SEUSS
Hi Samantha. I’m Dr. Seuss. Thank you for coming in today.
SAMANTHA
Of course, I –
DR. SEUSS
Dr. Wickersham asked me to speak with you about your test results. He didn’t want it to wait until he got back from Whoville.
SAMANTHA
Yes, his call really frightened me. Is everything alright?
DR. SEUSS
Well… why don’t you have a seat?
SAMANTHA
What is it, doctor?
DR. SEUSS
How can I put this? Samantha, I have some bad news…
Your X-rays are in and I think I can see
A kink in your arm and a hitch in your knee
Your bones are so fragile they may fall apart
And that rib that is broken, it may pierce your heart
Or your spleen, or your lung, or your guap-a-lee-gung,
(That thing that hangs down in the back of your tongue.)
Your PET scan has told me your brain isn’t working
And your CAT scan just highlights a stroke that is lurking
But wait!
There’s more exciting news!
Your symptoms have left you a little confused
But whatever the treatment you happen to choose
There’s more basic functions you’re likely to lose!
But why is this happening? How can this be?
Why is this happening to little ol’ me?
I know you’ve been waiting so long for the answer
And I’m sorry to say that it seems you have cancer!
That spot on your skin, it could be melanoma!
And you also quite clearly have T-cell lymphoma
We expect you to spend the next month in a coma!
SAMANTHA
Doctor, I’m, I’m –
DR. SEUSS
One more thing! I’m not done! All those things that you’ve eaten?
Did you need them to be oh-so-heavily sweetened?
It seems that with sugar that you’ve been quite greedy
‘Cuz you have the rare singular form: diabetie!
[voice over: “Paging Dr. Seuss, paging Dr. Seuss, Dr. Seuss to the O.R. please”]
DR. SEUSS (con’t)
Well Samantha, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The bad news is, I have to go. The good news is, I was kidding about all those things. Turns out you have what modern medicine has deemed “a cold”. Drink some orange juice and, I don’t know, do some healthy things. [HE moves to a different area, where a body has been wheeled in. The body is bloody, and open.]
SAMANTHA
Doctor, what are you talking ab— hey, come back here! [SHE follows HIM.]
DR. SEUSS
[to someone who’s not there] How bad is he, Dr. Van Itch? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh…Well you can scrub out. I can take it from here. A few hours from now and he’ll be in the clear. Be around when I’m done and then give him his stitches. But he’ll be OK, ‘cuz I’m Dr. Seuss, bitches. [begins “operating”. It is, to put it mildly, chaotic.]
SAMANTHA
What is wrong with you?!
DR. SEUSS
Don’t worry. I have this under control. [maybe SHE snaps?] Page Thing 1 and Thing 2, they can fix anything…
SAMANTHA
I think we need a real doc—
DR. SEUSS
Oh my! It’s even much worse than it seems!
Get me Sylvester McMonkey McBean
And keep the wound clean, dammit, keep the wound clean!
Get me 50 CCs of kick-a-doo powder
And set this machine so it beeps 10 times louder!
SAMANTHA
What the hell are you talking about?
DR. SEUSS
I need… uh… one more adjective painting a noun!
And bring me some bread with the butter side down!
CYNTHA
You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?
DR. SEUSS
Uh… hook him up to the Jigger-rock snatchem… hmmm… uh… get me some truffala tree root… to rub on… him… Hey, uh… Samantha, is it? I’m running out of ideas here….You’re not a doctor, are you?
SAMANTHA
Yes I am.
DR. SEUSS
Medical?
SAMANTHA
Ph. D.
DR. SEUSS
Biology?
SAMANTHA
Honorary. But that’s more of a qualification than you have. It’s time to stop talking about made-up machines and treatments. We need to get real. Step aside, doctor. Here, hold this. [SHE removes a giant heart from the “patient”, hands it to DR. SEUSS] I’m gonna need some help here. He needs oxygen.
DR. SEUSS
You can use the new bitsy big-boy boomeroo!
The techs in the back room have thought it all through!
SAMANTHA
I’m going to go with endotracheal intubation. Hand me a tube. [SHE continues to operate, possible pulling out other organs, possibly putting some back.]
DR. SEUSS
[HE hands HER a tube] Wait, this doesn’t make any sense. You were a just another patient… I think this is a violation of HIPAA laws…
SAMANTHA
I’ve seen every episode of E.R., and played a minor character on Grey’s Anatomy. Just go along with it. Besides you’re better in anapestic tetrameter. Scalpel. [HE hands HER a scalpel]
DR. SEUSS
Fine… uh… it seemed at the start you were merely a foil
But now you’ve been slicing like you were a mohel
Where did you come from? How can this be?
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE… please?
SAMANTHA
You’ve based your entire career on people believing, committing to worlds that on their surface make no sense.
DR. SEUSS
Yes, but –
SAMANTHA
And now that someone’s life is at stake, you want to question it? You want to step back and get a rational explanation? Look, I’m going to need you to jump in with me here. How can I put this so you’ll understand… We’ve got to inure him to deep-vein thrombosis. Someone has got go in, and you’re closest…
DR. SEUSS
Wait, are you…
SAMANTHA
Now hand me that snick-berry switch and get some gloves on.
DR. SEUSS
Did you say… snick-berry switch?
SAMANTHA
I did. [HE hands HER some elaborate contraption.]
DR. SEUSS
You sure did! Now we’re on the same page!
We dream the same dreams on this wonderful stage!
SAMANTHA
We do! We’ll combine both the real and imagined
And keep this here scene from becoming quite tragic
My outlook has changed, I can see this is urgent
We’re actors, so I can just act like a surgeon!
We couldn’t have had more spectacular timing.
DR. SEUSS
We’ll cure this poor patient with science and rhyming!
SAMANTHA
And acting! And faking! Believing straight through!
And pretending there’s nothing two people can’t do!
DR. SEUSS
Now we’re almost done, I’ll just sew up his gut!
But there’s still something missing and I’m not sure what…
SAMANTHA
I know!
DR. SEUSS
What is it?
SAMANTHA
A neatly-wrapped lesson.
That would cap off this incredible session.
How ‘bout don’t be racist? Or care about trees?
DR. SEUSS
I wrote that, I wrote that, some more if you please…
SAMANTHA
A person’s a person, no matter how small?
Or family’s based on who answers the call?
DR. SEUSS
I wrote that with Horton, book one and book two.
SAMANTHA
Oh I thought of one more thing that we can do!
It’s an issue with which people sometimes take umbrage
That people all need their own medical coverage.
DR. SEUSS
Oh, no no. Everyone agrees on that. I mean… we don’t need to include that as a lesson. Right?
SAMANTHA
Everyone believes that people should have medical coverage? That people should have access to basic health care?
DR. SEUSS
Yeah, I mean, in an industrialized country, I’d think that—
THE PATIENT
[waking up] Man, of all the crazy shit you’ve said today, that has to be the single most ridiculous. I know you live in a make-believe world, but get with it, man. “Everyone thinks people should have health care.” Don’t you watch the news?
DR. SEUSS
But it’s so obv –
SAMANTHA
I can only indulge in so much fantasy, doctor. I’m out of here.
DR. SEUSS
But what’s going to happen? How can this be?
Who’ll solve the problem? Will you? Or will he?
SAMANTHA
We’re voters, dear doctor, we’ll vote, him and me.
Be patient, good doctor. We’ll see. We will see.
Art and Music in Our Souls 