Daniel Heath
415.871.6813
daniel.heath@gmail.com
KNOCK ON WOOD

KENT – a man in his 20s
YETI – a man in his 20s
MAN – a spirit who takes the form of a bartender

A bar. From offstage, KENT and YETI are approaching, attempting to sing Queen’s song “We Are the Champions.” They enter, singing.

KENT and YETI
“We are the champions, you guys, and we’ll keep on fighting, to the end, cause we are the champions, we are the champions, you guys are losers ’cause we are the champions–of the world!”

High fives, chest-beating, etc. They may be wearing “sport” uniforms. They approach the bar. MAN is behind the bar as Bartender.

KENT
Bar guy! Shots!

MAN
Jack?

KENT
Yes! Four! (To Yeti:) Four? (To Bartender:) Six!

MAN pours six shots of Jack.

KENT (continued)
Man, we are dominating this year. Boom!

YETI
Boom.

KENT
Three more games, man, we keep this up we will be un-fuckin’-defeated, which is a feat that, as far as I know, has never been achieved in all history!

YETI
Boom.

KENT
Fuckin’ you were unhinged out there today. Just, bam! Bam! Like, as fast as thought, just–zoom! Like a fuckin’ neutrino or some shit. You juicin’? Seriously? Man, you on the sauce? I’m just kidding. It’s just a game, man. It’s not worth risking your health. But actually, dude, if it means you play like that every day, you inject yourself with whatever you want! Bam!

YETI and KENT do a shot.

KENT (continued.)
This is nice. This is really nice.

YETI
You were pretty good too.

KENT
Bam! Hell yeah. And Jesus was unstoppable, too. T-Bone was on fire, and Mitch actually managed to remember which end of his ass his legs come out of.

YETI and KENT lift two more shots and clink them together.

YETI
Eye contact.

KENT
What?

YETI
You gotta look somebody in the eyes when you’re doing a toast. Otherwise it’s like the opposite.

KENT
Opposite of what?

YETI
Opposite of a toast.

KENT
What would that even be?

YETI
Well, a toast is good, right? So it would be, like, anti-good. Like if I were to put my balls in your drink.

KENT makes eye contact with YETI.

KENT
Cheers. Princess.

YETI
Cheers. Man, if you’re gonna do something, you gotta do it right. It’s all that separates us from the animals.

KENT
Alright, alright. But listen–the thing that’s really putting us over the top–out there, on the field, not in here, where you’re apparently tea-bagging my beverages–is that we’ve had The Greek in full effect all season. You remember how last year his groin thing had him out for like six games? I keep waitin’ for it to flare up again–you know he’s always got that ice pack between his legs. I’m always lookin’ for some sign that he’s getting inflamed or whatever, but he has been in peak form every single game. Kaboom!

YETI
Knock wood. (Knocks on the bar.)

KENT
Yeah, yeah, I don’t do that.

YETI
You have to.

KENT
The hell I do.

YETI
Well, you’re gonna, or I’m gonna make you.

MAN has noticed. He goes to the bar phone and picks it up to make a call.

KENT
Yeah, well try it.

YETI
You want us to lose?

MAN
(On the phone:) Control? Can I get you to pull the files on The Greek?

KENT
This is you: (imitates him:) knock on wood. Look me in the eyes. Throw salt over your shoulder. Call it “the Scottish play.”

YETI lunges at KENT; they struggle; YETI makes KENT knock on the bar.

KENT
Fuck, man, what is wrong with you?

MAN
Scratch that, Control, we’re good.

MAN hangs up the phone and waits, listening to Yeti and Kent.

YETI
I don’t want The Greek’s groin getting all fucked up again because you say something stupid and you won’t knock wood.

KENT
I actively reject the metaphysical ramifications of your little wood-knocking thing. Because you know what it implies? It implies that there are powerful, evil spirits, following us around, day in and day out, with nothing better to do than to listen to our conversations.

MAN
Can I get you guys another round?

KENT
(To Man:) What do you think?

MAN
About what?

KENT
Do you think our world is full of spirits with nothing better to do than follow us around all day?

MAN
I don’t know.

YETI
Man, why do you have to make everything so complicated? Just knock on wood when you say something like that. What does it hurt?

KENT
What does it hurt? I’ll tell you what it hurts! Because here’s the deal–if there really are spirits out there, and they’re really listening, that whole “knock-wood” thing says to them–“Hey! Spirit! I think you’re a dick.” How would you feel if I said something like that to you?

YETI
You think too much.

KENT
(To man:) What about you? What would you think if I said, “I think you are all-powerful, but I also think you’re just waiting for me to call out the fact that something good happened, and if I don’t at that exact moment pay you some act of petty subservience, you’re gonna flex your little fairy muscles and teach me a lesson.”? Here, take his shot.

KENT takes YETI’s third shot and gives it to MAN.

KENT (continued.)
Cheers.

They make eye contact, then drink.

KENT (continued)
‘Cause here’s the thing. If you’re a spirit who is secretly running my world, here’s what I have to say to you: “thank you.” Thank you for The Greek’s fuckin’ groin muscle remaining miraculously un-inflamed. I want you to know I notice and appreciate. I don’t take it for granted, like I just expect good things to happen. Dear spirit: this has been a kick-ass season. I think you’re a pretty cool guy. So, please, all-powerful spirit that has the steerage of our course, one more round of shots!

MAN pours three more shots.

KENT (continued)
And a toast. To you, you fuckin’ yeti. To the team. To the Greek’s groin, and to the spirits who keep it un-inflamed.

YETI
Cheers.

MAN
Cheers.

KENT
Cheers.

They drink. End of play.

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