Adrift
by
William Bivins
For Earth SHOTZ
Draft dated 4/8/13
William Bivins
415-310-6744
wbivins@sbcglobal.net
ADRIFT
The setting: the cabin of a cruise ship.
Players: Diane and Todd, a middle-aged couple. They are
bedraggled. Todd sits eating oyster crackers. Diane stands,
looking at her feet while walking in place.
DIANE
No fucking way.
TODD
It’s true. April twenty-second.
DIANE
No fucking way.
TODD
Ironic, Isn’t it? Here we are adrift at sea on Earth Day.
DIANE
No fucking way.
TODD
No, you’re right. It’s not ironic at all since the Earth actually encompasses the–
DIANE
I’m not talking about Earth Day! I’m talking about this. The carpet. Can’t you feel it?
TODD
(Stands and walks in place.)
I can’t feel anything. You’re low on blood sugar, darling. Have an oyster cracker.
DIANE
I am not low on blood sugar! Stand here. Where I am. It’s squishy.
TODD
We are in First Class. The top deck of the ship. There is no way–
DIANE
I can smell it.
TODD
The whole ship smells like that.
William Bivins – wbivins@sbcglobal.net
1.
DIANE
The smell has gotten stronger. If the plumbing is backing up in First Class now, we are so
fucked.
TODD
Even if the plumbing is backing up in First Class–I’m not saying it is, mind you–but if it
is, it will flow down to the lower decks.
DIANE
After infusing our carpet with raw effluent. Why did I let you talk me into taking this
goddamn cruise?
TODD
You wanted to go on a cruise.
DIANE
Not a Carnival Cruise!
TODD
I will not be made to feel bad about this! Anyway, things could be worse; we could be in
Economy.
DIANE
So Economy is the new Mogadishu.
TODD
What?
DIANE
You’re always like, Things could be worse; we could be in Mogadishu. If Economy Class
is the new proxy for hell-on-earth, we’re fucked.
TODD
Will you please stop saying we’re fucked!
DIANE
No, because we are fucked and it’s your fault.
TODD
It’s an unpleasant odor, that’s all.
DIANE
You remember your theory about smelling shit in public rest rooms? How you’re actually
breathing someone else’s shit particles into your lungs?
William Bivins – wbivins@sbcglobal.net
2.
TODD
For chrissake. Go out on the balcony and get some fresh air.
DIANE
Look out the porthole. What do you see? Smoke from the engine room fire. There is no
fresh air anywhere on this ship!
TODD
We just have to hang on a little longer. We’ll be rescued.
DIANE
You keep saying that, but what if we’re not? What if we all die out here in our own filth?
TODD
Look. Darling. I understand you’re upset–
DIANE
No. Upset is when the Internet goes down. This–the sweltering heat, the stench, the diet of
oyster crackers and pillow mints, for days on end–and now, apparently, our carpet is moist
with sewage… No. There is no adjective in the English language to describe what I am
feeling right now.
TODD
The carpet is not moist.
DIANE
Oh yeah? Bend down and touch it with your hand.
TODD
Fine. I will.
(Pause.)
DIANE
What are you waiting for?
TODD
Ok, look, I admit it’s a little squishy.
DIANE
Then it’s true! There is sewage in our cabin! Oh God! Oh Fuck!
(She gets up on a chair.)
William Bivins – wbivins@sbcglobal.net
3.
TODD
For chrissake, come down from there!
DIANE
“Let’s go on a cruise,” he says. “It’ll be relaxing,” he says. I hate you!
TODD
Why don’t you take a Xanax?
DIANE
You think if I had any Xanax left I wouldn’t be eating it by the handful?!
TODD
Do your breathing exercise.
DIANE
Breathing! Yes!
(She gets off the chair, rushes for the door.)
TODD
(standing in her way)
Where are you going?
DIANE
For a swim. Get out of my way!
TODD
The pools have been emptied.
DIANE
Not in a pool, idiot; in the ocean.
TODD
You’ll be eaten by sharks.
DIANE
It’ll be worth it for a breath of fresh air. Get out of my fucking way!
(She tries to get past him. He grabs her. They struggle.)
TODD
We’re going to get through this!
William Bivins – wbivins@sbcglobal.net
4.
DIANE
Fuck you we’re going to get through this!
TODD
(losing it)
What do you want me to say?! We’re all fucked?! Fine. We’re all fucked. We’re all going
to die at sea breathing in each other’s shit particles! Even if we are rescued, even if we
make it back to shore without going insane or eating each other and we sue the cruise line
and win millions of dollars and retire and buy a huge house in a gated community with treelined
streets and manicured lawns–even if all that happens, we are still fucked. ‘Cause
we’re on a bigger ship that’s drifting around in it’s own human waste: USS Earth. It’s
getting hotter and hotter, running out of fresh air and water and food, and the passengers
are desperate and resorting to violence!
(She slaps him.)
TODD (cont’d)
I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.
DIANE
I’m sorry too. We need to stay calm.
TODD
Right.
(pause)
You know, maybe I’ll join you for that swim.
DIANE
Have an oyster cracker instead.
(He takes an oyster cracker, gives her one. They eat.)

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