ACT I
Scene 1
TED
I’m so relieved you were able to fill in at the last
minute, thank you so much.
DON
No problem, glad I could help. Didn’t you have someone
lined up?
TED
Dom Casual. He’s a good guy, great writer. Because of
the strike, He wanted to write under a psudonym, and
our attorney won’t go for that. Dom’s pretty angry
about it, and… I don’t have time for anger right now.
But you – I had no idea you had a writing background.
DON
I was in advertising, years ago. Back then creatives
wrote everything, print, scripts for TV spots, press
releases. So, what do you need, one sketch? Two?
TED
Three.
DON
Jesus, three? We’ll have to work fast.
Ted hands Don the first of a stack of STORYBOARDS.
TED
I have some ideas already. The first one is Avatar
Eight: Battling the Blues. I think it’s a no-brainer.
Upon hearing the word “think” Don arises and pours
scotch from a BOTTLE into ONE OF TWO GLASSES,
drinks it down while still standing.
DON
Drink?
TED
(spot-on as Dustin Hoffman as Tootsie)
No, I think I better keep sharp when we work, you know?
Don gives Ted a quizzical glance.
TED
Tootsie. It’s my all time favorite.
DON
I see.
Don returns to his seat and a slightly embarrassed
Ted.
TED
So I think with the release of the film the day after
we air, we’ll be cashing in on all that pre-existing
buzz!
Again, upon hearing the word “think” Don arises
and pours herself a drink, drinks it down while
still TEDding.
DON
Are you sure you don’t want one. Jesus, it’s going to
be a long weekend.
TED
No, I’m good.
Don returns to his seat.
TED
It’s good, right?
DON
It’s exactly what we did when Avatar one, two, three
four, five six, and seven opened. It’s exactly why our
ratings are down and OmniDazzle Television, ODTV as the
youth say, has been on top for the past three years.
It’s exactly why we’ll all be looking for a new job
soon if we can’t come up with something original. And
funny. We’re supposed to be funny, remember? This is a
comedy.
TED
Okay okay, I’m sorry! It wasn’t that bad.
DON
It’s that bad.
TED
I believe it has strong potential.
Upon hearing the word “think” Don arises and pours
herself a drink, drinks it down while still
standing.
TED
This is just my opinion, but maybe you should slow down
there.
DON
(recoils, then pours himself another
drink)
Maybe you shouldn’t tell me what to do. Jesus Christ,
you’re here because YOU need ME. You want to judge me,
fine. There’s the door!
Trembling, Christian quickly arises and rushes to
pour himself a drink, taking it back to his seat
before drinks it down. He cannot look at Don.
DON
I’m sorry, I have a bit of a temper sometimes.
TED
It’s okay, we’re both under a lot of stress with this.
Okay, so you don’t like that one. Do you have any
ideas?
DON
I do. Jennifer Lawrence is our guest host, we’ll take
advantage of that. The Adventures of Vulva Fervor. A
glamorous peacekeeping agent whose powers of persuasion
are more deadly than any show of force. It’s brilliant.
It’s sexy, it’s dangerous. Women will love it. Men too,
for different reasons.
TED
You said “vulva”. I’m pretty sure you can’t say “vulva”
on network television.
DON
Ninety percent of adults in this country think a Vulva
is a car, including the FCC. There’s even a character,
Vulva’s stupid sister Viva, that’s perfect for Bella
Hagen. She and Jennifer could pass for twins.
TED
I’m guessing Bella…
Don rises to get a drink.
TED
I think you should…
Don shakes as he pours the drink.
TED
Perhaps it’s best if…
DON
STOP IT! Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it!
Don freezes, bottle and glass still in hand. Ted
rises, hesitantly, terrified, flinching at Don’s
arch eyebrow, approaches Don. Ted grabs the bottle
and drinks from it, then collapses.
DON
What is your problem?
TED
I have this fear of anger, ever since I was a kid. My
dad was an angry drunk.
Don slumps down next to Ted.
DON
Allodoxaphobia.
TED
Close. Angrophobia.
DON
Fear of opinions. I have a fear of opinions.
Allodoxaphobia. My mother had to have an opinion or
forty about everything. Every time I hear someone say
“I think or “I suppose” or ” I guess,” Jesus I can’t
help it, I just wanna…
TED hands over the bottle. Don takes a drink,
passes it back, TED takes a drink.
DON
Thanks. Let’s try and move forward from here.
Don stands, gives TED a hand up.
TED
I have another idea!
TED puts down the bottle and they return to their
seats. He hands Don the next storyboard.
TED
The Saga of Gray and Nameless. it’s animated, about
these two one inch tall pitbulls. They’re best friends,
and they’re sweet and they have jobs, but they
innocently get into all sorts of funny mischief.
DON
Jesus, this is nice. This is really nice.
The End.

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