Sex, Elves, and Videotape
By
Diane Karagienakos
2012 Diane Karagienakos
dianekaragienakos@gmail.com
415.279.8791
ACT I
INT. Department Store, Day.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SANTA: An African-American man working as a department store
Santa. He’s very good at his job of forcing cheer and
patience while staring down a neverending line of children
to sit in his lap.
ELAINE: A well-heeled woman wearing a trenchcoat and an
obvious wig, drawing attention to the fact that she’s trying
not to draw attention to herself.
2.
ACT 1
A bustling scene on the Christmas floor of a
department store. Elaine constantly looks over her
shoulder, is at the front of the line of people —
mostly small children — waiting to sit on Santa’s
lap.
SANTA
Who’s next? Over here, ma’am. Where are the little
ones?
ASHLEY
No little ones, it’s just me.
SANTA
(to the children in line to his left)
See! You’re never too old to tell Santa what you want
for Christmas! What’s your name, young lady?
ASHLEY
Elaine.
(attempting to lower the volume)
That’s not why I’m here. I just… I just need to sit
here for a while.
SANTA
Okay… well since you’re here, why not tell Santa what
you want, Elaine?
(whispering)
Might look a little funny if you just sit here and say
nothing, know what I’m sayin’?
ELAINE
Okay Santa, I want to know which one of your slut elves
my husband is fucking.
SANTA
(very mindful of the onlookers of all
ages)
Ho Ho Hold on…
(whispering)
…I got a lotta little kids waiting over there to sit
on Santa’s lap, and I ain’t gonna have no catfight in
Santaland.
(Loudly)
You have yourself a Merry Christmas…
Santa begins to stand to get Elaine off his lap.
She locks her arms around his neck, refusing to
budge. He falls back into his seat.
3.
ELAINE
Listen Santa, my husband owns this store. Which means
you work for me. I’m Mrs. Loehstrom, and if my husband
is fucking one of your elves, I wanna know who she is.
Who’s your naughtiest little elf?
Elaine and Santa look to the elves in Santaland,
to their right.
SANTA
Damn, I don’t know! I only hang with one of the elves,
and she’s my girlfriend. There she is, the sweet one
with the red hair.
ELAINE
Oh she is darling!
Pauses, watching…
Shit!
SANTA
(loudly, for children in line to hear)
Ho ho ho! Don’t you know four letter words will get you
on the naughty list.
(quietly, to Elaine)
Hey watch the language, alright?
Elaine lowers her head and pulls up her collar to
hide her face.
ELAINE
That’s him! That’s my goddamn husband, over there in
Santaland! What’s he doing? Did he see me? What is he
doing?!?
SANTA
That old guy? He’s sorta just… wait… hold on…
MOTHERFUCKER!
Santa tries to stand abruptly, almost hurling
Elaine off his lap. She locks her arms around his
neck again and forces him back into the seat.
ELAINE
Do NOT cause a scene! Tell me what’s he doing!
SANTA
(to the children)
Ho ho ho, Santa’s uniform gives him the itchies
sometimes!
(quietly to Elaine)
He’s squeezing my girlfriend’s ass like the goddamn
Charmin, that’s what he’s doing!
4.
Elaine fumbles through her purse for her phone, no
luck.
ELAINE
Shit! I forgot my phone! Do you have one? You have to
film this, I need evidence!
Santa takes his camera from his pocket and starts
filming. Elaine attempts to watch through the
display.
SANTA
Evidence for what?
ELAINE
The prenup. I told him the only way I’d sign is he’d
sign one too. He was a world class womanizer, but he
told me he was over it. If there’s one thing I will not
tolerate, it’s a cheater. So when he insisted I sign a
prenup, I countered that he had to sign one too, a
promise of fidelity. And if he breaks it, he has to pay
me one million dollars for every month we’ve been
married. He always says “It’ll all work out in the end”
and boy, he couldn’t be more right about that! He
picked the wrong gal to cheat on. Please tell me that
thing is recording.
SANTA
Oh it’s recording. Goddamn, look at them go at it!
Bitch!
(loudly correcting himself, for the
children)
Itch! Itch Itch Itch!
ELAINE
(watching through the camera)
Eleven million dollars for a little elf action. Hope it
was worth it, asshole.
SANTA
That’s eleven million dollars if you have the evidence,
right?
ELAINE
What do you mean if I have the evidence?
SANTA
My phone. My camera. My video. That was my girl there,
the one who’s leading your husband into the toy factory
as we speak.
5.
ELAINE
Oh. My. God. What are they doing in there? They’re
shaking the icesicles off the roof! And what, now
you’re shaking me down for some money?
SANTA
(loudly, for children to hear)
Christmas is the time of year when those with the most
to give should share their good fortune with those less
fortunate.
(quietly)
I ain’t shaking you down. I’m just saying I have
something worth a lot of money to you. And this
evidence would not exist if it weren’t for me. If I
weren’t laid off recently and forced to take this job
just to buy some presents for my son this year.
ELAINE
You’re a daddy?
SANTA
Yeah, I was real young then, but me and his mother
managed to stay friends. You wanna see a picture?
ELAINE
I’d love to.
SANTA
First tell me you’ll give me a million dollars and I’ll
send the video to you.
Santa turns the camera on her.
SANTA
Smile for the camera! Gotta get this on tape. Santa
needs evidence too, you know.
ELAINE
Fine, if I get my eleven million, you get one million.
Let’s get over there and film them in the toy factory!
Get some solid evidence.
SANTA
I like your style! Just say your name and the date and
you are giving me, one Michael Evan James, one million
dollars in exchange for this video.
ELAINE
Fine. Today is December eleventh, two-thousand and
twelve and I, Elaine Loehstrom, do promise to pay
Michael Evan James one million dollars in exchange for
this video IF and when I receive eleven-million dollars
as payment from my cheating prick viagra-popping excuse
of a husband.
6.
SANTA
(loudly to children)
Okay then, it’s time for Santa to check on the elves
working in the toy factory. I’ll be back in just a few
minutes!
(quietly to Elaine)
That was pretty funny. You wanna get a drink when I get
off. I’m a sexy guy outta this Santa suit.
ELAINE
Well, that could be an interesting first step in
starting over. I’ve never dated one of you people
before.
SANTA
You people? You people?
ELAINE
Relax, I meant Christian, not black people! My
goodness, Santa is so sensitive! Come on, keep the
camera rolling, we’re one minute away from eleven
million dollars…

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