Daniel Heath
415.871.6813
daniel.heath@gmail.com

SMOKE

CELESTE – A woman in her 20s
WOMAN – A woman in her 20s and a variety of other characters.
MAN – A man in his 20s and a variety of other characters.

A bus stop in San Francisco.

CELESTE
I have a super power. I think. That’s kind of over-stating it. What’s the opposite of super? A sub-power. A particularly pathetic special ability. Can you guess? You can’t. Don’t even try. No, it’s not narration, that’s just a personality flaw. Don’t judge me. Admit it–some of you narrate what you’re doing inside your head. Okay, my special skill. Here. Check this out:

She stoops to pick up a cigarette butt from the ground.

Cigarette butt. A little lipstick, here, see?

Puts the cigarette butts to her lips.

I told you it was pathetic. Just– Here.

CELESTE lights the cigarette and takes a drag; as she does so, WOMAN also takes a drag with the same gesture.

WOMAN
–so I shaved his back, again, and I said honey, if this is going to what our Saturday nights look are gonna look like for the rest of my life I’m gonna need something stronger than Zanax to get me through.

WOMAN throws the cigarette butt down.

CELESTE
Yeah, that’s right. My special power is that if I smoke the rest of your cigarette, I can somehow hear the rest of your conversation, from the last drag you took up until the moment you throw it away. Don’t ask me. I have no idea. I figured it out when I was a kid. I used to get in a lot of trouble. I still get in a lot of trouble.

CELESTE picks up another cigarette.

CELESTE
I know it’s gross. Get over it.

CELESTE takes a drag; so does MAN.

MAN
So when he came out of that grand jeté like a dog falling off a porch I didn’t say a thing, I just smiled. My eye twitched.

WOMAN
It didn’t.

MAN
It did.

WOMAN
Oh, you wicked man.

MAN throws down the butt.

CELESTE
I like to blame my failure to get ahead in life on the fact that if you spend your day spying on other people for ten seconds at a time, it’s kind of like doing a jig-saw puzzle of Hitler’s ball sack. You’ve only got, like, two or three pieces and you don’t really want the rest of them but you can’t help moving the pieces around on an empty table and thinking about how awful it would be if you could see the whole thing.

CELESTE lights another butt. So does WOMAN, in her car:

WOMAN
Where’d you learn to drive motherfucker?

WOMAN throws the cigarette into the street.

CELESTE
I mean, not everyone is an asshole. Some people are just boring.

CELESTE picks up another butt.

WOMAN
…so my friend Julie updated her Facebook status, and she said–

MAN
Is she the fat one?

WOMAN
No. She’s the one who sells envelopes on Ebay.

MAN
Oh, yeah.

WOMAN
…anyway, she updated her status, and– No I think maybe she just texted Julie.

MAN
I thought this was Julie we were talking about.

WOMAN
No, now we’re talking about fat Julie. Who she texted. I think. Or maybe she called her.

CELESTE throws down the butt.

CELESTE
I mean, she wasn’t even smoking it! It’s like they just want to torture me.

Another butt.

MAN
(talking on his cell phone, wilting as he speaks:) …I just love you so much, I… I… I can’t sleep, I’ve got shingles, I can’t go to work, I can’t wash my face, I touched a pigeon by accident, I can’t find my keys… I’ve started smoking again!

The cigarette butt falls from his fingers.

CELESTE
The thing that is not lost on me here is that I’m the biggest loser of the bunch. I’m like one of those people who watches Antiques Roadshow so they can feel superior to all the suckers. Guess what, asshole: at least they’re living their pathetic little lives. You’re just a spectator.

Also, I am here for a reason. I’ve been kind-of on this stalker thing for the last few weeks, ever since my ex moved out. He was working for this startup, living in my one-room apartment on Market, paying off his student loans or spending all his money on coke or I don’t know what the fuck he was doing because I was the one buying the damn hummus and Pringles and the shitty beer, but I do know that once his stupid little company “went public” and all of a sudden he had all this money he showed up at our apartment in these brand new stupid green limited edition Puma sneakers and he packed up his shitty clothes and he left. And who’s he with now?

CELESTE picks up a specific butt and lights it.

WOMAN
Can you pick up some endive from the farmer’s market on your way home?

CELESTE throws down the butt with an exclamation of great displeasure.

CELESTE
But I can’t stop, can I? Why? Because I have never been any good at protecting myself from the impulse to know the truth about the people around me.

Another butt: WOMAN is waiting at the bus stop talking on her phone. MAN is there watching her.

WOMAN
You know, I don’t think I can make it Thursday, I’ve got a thing with my girlfriend. Uh huh. Uh huh. (Notices man watching her.) Uh huh. Yeah. Friday… maybe. Sure. I’ll check. Okay. You’re breaking up a little. I’ll text you, okay? I can’t hear you. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Hi.

MAN
You got a little ash there. Careful now.

WOMAN
Oh. Thanks. (Knocks ash off her cigarette.)

MAN offers her a fresh cigarette.

WOMAN
Thanks.

WOMAN throws down her cigarette.

CELESTE
Oh! Come on. What was that… some kind of fancy English kind… let’s see… Here.

CELESTE lights another butt.

MAN
I’m up in 217, if you want to stop by some time.

MAN exits. WOMAN watches him go, still holding the cigarette.

CELESTE
Okay, first I was pissed off, and then I was feeling kind of smug because it looks like my ex is about to get ex-ed, and now… who is that guy? And how has this woman I’ve never met now stolen two men from me? Can I knock on 217? Would that be creepy?

WOMAN exits after MAN and throws the cigarette down behind her.

CELESTE
She is probably up there ass-up on his Ikea futon right now. Fuck my life.

MAN enters. He carries a lit cigarette.

CELESTE
Or not. Okay. Oh my God he is even hotter in person.

MAN
Hey.

CELESTE
Hi.

MAN
Just so you know…

CELESTE
What?

MAN
I can hear narration.

CELESTE
I’m sorry?

MAN
All this stuff you’ve been saying? I can hear you.

CELESTE
No fucking way.

MAN
It’s kind of like, this special power I got. Not really a power. Mostly just gets me in trouble.

CELESTE
I am so completely embarrassed right now.

MAN
You want a smoke?

CELESTE
They’re no good for me.

MAN
You know what I tell myself?

CELESTE
What?

MAN
Just one more–and then I’m gonna quit.

MAN hands CELESTE his lit cigarette–he has not taken a drag since he entered. CELESTE takes a drag, and, earlier:

WOMAN
Do you want to get a coffee with me?

MAN
Give me a sec.

WOMAN
Okay.

MAN
(Listens to her silently narrating, and then:) Nah. You don’t really want to choose me. You’re just rattled because that boy you thought you loved turned out to be a douchebag, and you like how I look in these jeans.

WOMAN
Really?

MAN
For sure.

WOMAN
Okay.

MAN
See you.

MAN exits where he was with woman, entering where he earlier entered with Celeste; CELESTE drops the butt, averting a potentially catastrophic scenic recursion.

MAN
So what’s your name?

CELESTE
What’s yours?

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