‘Tain’t Misbehavin’

By: Bart Grady

Lights up. Dude and Bro enter.

Bro: Hey man, didja see that chick on the bus?

Dude: What? Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Bro: Huh? Huh? Y’know what I mean?

Dude: Yeah, yeah.

Bro: I mean, she was like “Bam!” “Hello!” Wouldn’t you like to, y’know, get with her?

Dude: Hey! C’mon, man! Married, here!

Bro: Yeah. Right, right, right, right, right. But still, I mean, that lady was hot! Smo-king.

Dude: Sharon’s hot.

Bro: Yeah! Yeah. Sharon’s hot. Yeah. Sharon is hot. Sharon… So, when do you think she’s going to be home?

Dude: Well, she’s been working late a lot recently, but probably pretty soon.

Bro: Soon. Yeah, that’s good. So, do you think she’ll want to? I mean, think she’ll be up for it?

Dude: Man, I hope so.

Bro: Me too! I mean, really. Whew! Sharon. Sharon is hot. Hey! Do I look ok?
Dude: I guess so, why?

Bro: I don’t know. Am I like, too shaggy? Too scrowley? Should I shave or something?

Dude: Oh. Uh… I think you’ll be fine. I don’t think we have time for a full on manscaping or anything.

Bro: Oh, yeah. Ok.

Dude: Yeah. Hey! I know. Let’s like, make it romantic in here.

Bro: Whaddaya mean? You mean, with just us? I thought we were going to see if Sharon was into-

Dude: No! I mean, maybe if she isn’t, but – But I mean light some candles, turn on some music, hide the dirty laundry, that type of thing.

Bro: Oh! Gotcha. Yeah!

They run about pantomiming these tasks.

Bro: Good idea! I mean, maybe it’ll like subconsciously get her in the mood.

Dude: Man, I hope so. It seems like it’s been forever.

Bro: You’re telling me! I mean, you. Are telling. Me. Why do you think it’s been so long? I mean, it used to be something I didn’t have to worry about.

Dude: I don’t know. It’s probably that we’re both working so much. Ever since she’s taken over the Shyster account, she’s been exhausted.

Bro: Yeah. I mean, not to be a dick or anything. I mean nothing against the guy, I love working with him. But, you don’t think she’s like, getting it somewhere else do you?

Dude: Woah. I don’t think so. I mean except for her being tired and us not making it recently everything else has been the same.

Bro: Yeah?

Dude: I mean, you’d think that some other part of her would change, if she was cheating.

Bro: Ok, cool. It just hit me like, “oh no!”. But, I mean then again, that chick on the bus was hot!

Dude: Chill out with the chick on the bus!

Bro: I mean just cause you already ordered, doesn’t mean you can’t still look at the menu.

Dude: Stop that. Just drop it, ok? Everything’s fine.

Bro: Right, right, ok. You know, I just get antsy.

Dude: Yeah.

Bro: I mean, I guy’s gotta get some every once in a while, y’know?

Dude: Well, yeah. But, I mean. I helped you out a few days ago.

Bro: That’s not the same thing!. It’s like I was hoping for a cheese burger and you gave me some Saltines.

Dude: Saltines?

Bro: I mean, a guy’s gotta eat. Hey, thanks and all, don’t get me wrong. That helped. But it’s not the same.

Dude: Yeah. I hear you.

Bro: (suddenly) Ah! Ah! Itchy! Itchy!

Dude: (scratches Bro’s head, or back, or both) I got you. Don’t worry.
Bro: Ahhhh. Thanks. That’s good. So you think it’ll pan out tonight? With Sharon?

Dude: I hope so.

Bro: Good, cause otherwise I might lose it. Hopefully not in the middle of a staff meeting or something.

Dude: Well, just relax. If it doesn’t happen tonight, I’m sure it’ll happen on Valentine’s Day.

Bro: Do you promise?

Dude: I promise.

Bro: Ok. Good. Y’know it’s not easy being your testicles.

Dude: Ha ha. It could be worse.