Jennifer Arzt
jennifer810@gmail.com
510.648.8165
ANN: A CHEF.
EMILY: A PHOTOGRAPHER.
DESTINY: A FAIRY.
We’re in line for the bathroom at a very large house. Off
stage a child’s birthday party rages. EMILY is next. She
scans photos on the LCD screen on her giant, professional
camera. ANN enters.
ANN
Shiitake! I hate lines.
EMILY politely nods but keeps with her photo review.
ANN fidgets in the silence.
ANN
I’m not supposed to be here. I was a finalist on Top Chef. I almost had my own show.
Now, I’m in line at a fruiting catering gig. (BEAT) Waiting is the worst. Don’t you think?
EMILY looks away from the image on her camera screen
in disgust.
EMILY
Horrible.
ANN
Ginger Crisp, I know. I don’t give a fig how much money you have. This is way too much
for an eight-year old’s birthday.
EMILY
I can’t even look.
Ann peers over Emily’s shoulder at the screen.
ANN
The picture isn’t that bad. Is there really a pony out back?
EMILY
Two. And an elephant. But I mean the fairy is horrible. Is IT even in focus?
ANN
Looks like she is. Listen, can I sneak in front of you? I don’t want the soufflés to fall.
EMILY
Sure.
They switch spots in line.
ANN
Is she a raging beehive or something?
EMILY
Beehive?
ANN
Something I’m working on. I’ve been told my cursing isn’t attractive for the Food
Network. Apparently they want more Rachel Ray and less Howard Stern. But her? Raging
beehive?
EMILY
I don’t know her, but yeah, I’m sure she isn’t right in the head. None of them are. Fairies
are the worst things ever.
ANN
Birthday party fairies?
EMILY
All of them. They fly around, spread their spells and promises, pretending to be all good
and nice, but they steal things when you’re not looking.
ANN
I see. A fairy leave you after 5 years for a younger, sexier, debt-free photographer?
EMILY
What? No. I mean the Tooth Fairy. I was so excited. That thieving bitch didn’t even leave
me a penny. But you know what, my dad didn’t come home from work the next day, or the
day after that, or the next —
ANN
You know fairies aren’t real, right?
EMILY
(Contemplative)
What does she do with all those teeth?
2.
Destiny the Fairy enters. Flitters to the end of the
bathroom line, BUMPS into the Emily.
DESTINY
Oops! Hiya! Oh poop. A silly line.
EMILY
Switch places. Switch back. Switch back! Switch back!
ANN
No figging way. They’ll turn into an angry pig-tailed mob if they don’t get dessert soon.
DESTINY
Oooh! Is that a picture of me? Can I see?
Destiny leans in, close. Giggles at the photos.
DESTINY
Pretty!
EMILY
Please!
ANN
Use this as an opportunity to face your fears.
DESTINY
I wanna see more!
Destiny ducks under the camera strap, looping herself
close to the Emily.
EMILY
I’m going to die. I’m gonna die –
ANN
Ginger Crisp! Don’t be baby. We all have figging shiitake to deal with. USE this moment.
Stop whining. It isn’t like you chased your dream to the end of the road and found it was a
dead-end.
EMILY
Is the room spinning? The room is spinning.
DESTINY
This is nice! Oooh, this is really nice!
3.
ANN
This is nothing. You’re fine. It is all in your head.
DESTINY
Wow, this camera takes really good pics.
Destiny pulls the strap off the Emily and examines the
camera. Emily puts her hands on her knees, breathes deep.
EMILY
No, I take the photos. The camera is just a tool. Hey, where’s my phone?
DESTINY
LOL. Well it’s a good one! Is it that fancy one that Ashton Kutcher makes?
Emily pats herself down and looks around for her phone.
EMILY
He doesn’t make them. And no, this one is pro.
DESTINY
Polaroid?
EMILY
Seriously, where’s my phone. I don’t even know my mom’s phone number by heart.
DESTINY
Apple?
EMILY
Apple? No one’s that stupid. Give it.
DESTINY
What do you mean?
EMILY
You all steal. Give it back.
Emily turns to Ann.
EMILY
Phone.
ANN
Nope. Leave me out of your crazy basil tart.
4.
EMILY
“Basil tart” and I’m the crazy one? Fine. I’ll tell them you confessed to using Heinz and
horse meat.
ANN
They’ll never believe it.
EMILY
And nothing organic or locally grown.
Ann hands over her phone. Emily calls herself. Destiny’s
cleavage rings.
DESTINY
Fine.
Destiny hands Emily the phone. She grabs it. And her
camera back from Destiny’s hands, careful not to touch
her skin.
ANN
Arugula!
EMILY
I can hold it.
Emily exits.
ANN
Ginger Crisp. You just proved her worst fear true.
DESTINY
Fairies are her worst fear? Golly, that must be nice. I’m scared the sun will die in a
supernova and consume us all. Did you try the handle?
Ann tries the door. It opens. The bathroom was empty.
ANN
You really steal?
DESTINY
Of course not, silly. But unattended items, like purses in the coat room, are the best. You
going in?
Ann, stunned, doesn’t move.
5.
DESTINY
You know, I can hold it too.
Destiny leaves.
Ann pats her pockets down. No phone.
ANN
Thieving beehive.
END

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