Peanut Butter Sam Wishes
__________________________
A short play
By Justin Yorio
Contact:
Justin Yorio
646.299.2140
justinyorio@gmail.com
Lights up on DAD, who is getting his son,
SAM, ready for bed. Sam is seven.
DAD
You wash your face and brush your teeth, kiddo?
SAM
Yes, Dad.
DAD
And you did all your homework, right?
SAM
Of course, Dad. Only six hours ago.
DAD
What’s the capital of Turkey?
SAM
Ankara.
DAD
Luxembourg?
SAM
Luxembourg.
DAD
Attaboy, Sam. Now let’s tuck you in, turn out the lights, and get you–
SAM
No!
DAD
What’s the matter?
SAM
It’s just… Mom lets me sleep with the lights on. She lets me.
DAD
Oh, I– Hmmm… how old are you now?
SAM
Seven and a half.
DAD
Wow- that’s just about half of half of my age. You’re growing up fast. Tell you what: we’ll
keep the lights on, and I’ll read you a story before bed. Why don’t you pick out a book
while I take Buster for a walk. Maybe we can read Diggers again? Be right back, kiddo.
Dad leaves. Sam searches for a book. A
GNOME, or Dad on his knees, enters.
GNOME
Hello, little man.
SAM
Holy Smokes! Who are you?
GNOME
Slow down, little man, that’s the game: I can’t just tell you my name, you have to guess it. I
win, you fight a giant in a cage match- proceeds go to me. If you win, you get three wishes.
SAM
Wishes!, wow!, cool!
GNOME
But. You only have three guesses–
SAM
Onomatopoeically Grumpy Gnome?
O.G.G
What did you–? Yes, yes it is. But you can call me by my nickname: wait– how do you
even know the word “onomatopoeically?” Humbug. Now I have to grant you three wishes.
SAM
Holy Smokes! Are there rules?
O.G.G
Wouldn’t be much of a game without rules, would it? I can’t kill anyone. I can’t change the
weather. I can’t give you more than $50 cash, but if you’d like to give to charity, I can
make a donation in your name of up to $1000– hardly anyone asks for that, though. I can
spin straw into up to $50 worth of gold or any other element. Monetary wish limits double
in Michigan. I can grant wishes for objects whose costs do not exceed $500, including
tickets to plays, concerts and sporting events, but right now even I cannot get you in to The
Book of Mormon. I can’t do invisibility, and I can’t make the Willy Wonka wallpaper that
tastes like fruit when you lick it.
2.
I can’t do fruits, plants, insects, meat, animals, or soil prohibited by Customs. In case of
dispute, arbitration replaces the right to go to court, including the right to a jury, and the
right to participate in a class action or similar proceeding. Employees of aMios, its
subsidiaries, affiliated companies, or agents, and the employee’s household or immediate
family members- parent, spouse, child, sibling, grandparent- are not eligible for wishes.
This offer is void in Puerto Rico, the province of Quebec, the states of Nebraska, Hawaii,
and Tennessee, the Isles of Man and Gibraltar, and where prohibited by law. Fax mentis
incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera. If you agree to these conditions, please sign
here, and initial here, here, and here.
Sam does.
O.G.G
Okay, little man, you ready?
SAM
Why do you keep calling me “little man”? I’m bigger than you.
O.G.G
Yup. So you are. You’re bigger than a lot of things, I guess. Just depends on your
perspective. (Slight pause.) Now let’s get down to wishing.
SAM
For my first wish, I’d like the $50 worth of gold, please.
O.G.G
Oh, how banal. Everybody takes the gold first.
SAM
Um, of course they do, duh. Gold is awesome. And an ounce of it can be spread thin
enough to cover an acre of land. I’ve got two words for you: Gold Wallpaper.
O.G.G
Very well. So I say the magic words: A la peanut butter sandwiches!
He produces the gold.
SAM
This is so cool! For my second wish, I’d like a map of the world. I’m learning capitals.
O.G.G
One map of the world coming up: A la peanut butter sandwiches!
He produces the map.
3.
SAM
Awesome. But what’s with the peanut butter sandwiches thing?
O.G.G
They’re my special specialty.
SAM
Cool, then I wish for one of those!
O.G.G
Certainly. A la peanut butter sandwiches! Literally!
He produces the sandwich.
Congratulations, and thanks for playing. Goodnight, Sam. Sleep tight.
SAM
Oh no, wait! I forgot a wish!
O.G.G
What’s that?
SAM
I wish I wasn’t afraid of the dark.
O.G.G
Ahhh. Sam, Sam, who’s bigger than I am, would that I could grant another wish. But
remember the rules: “Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum.” The torch of the mind lights the
path to glory. Oh, and tell the wizard I said hi.
He leaves. Sam wanders.
SAM
The wizard? Wait- what wizard?! And what does that mean, “the torch of the mind…”
Hrrmmm. I have to start learning Latin.
Sam runs into an OLD MAN. He is crying.
SAM
Hey Mister, are you okay?
OLD MAN
(through tears)
I could tell him… I know where he is… I could tell him…
4.
SAM
Tell who where who is?
OLD MAN
My brother, King LeRoy, needs to find the dragon in order to save the kingdom, and only I
know where the dragon is.
SAM
King the king?
OLD MAN
What’s that?
SAM
King LeRoy. King Le Roi… King the king? (He doesn’t get it.) Why can’t you tell him?
OLD MAN
I’ve been exiled.
SAM
How come–?
OLD MAN
Long story about a girl.
SAM
How do you know where the dragon is?
OLD MAN
I can see things. What’s with the third degree?
SAM
I’m seven. How can you see things?
OLD MAN
I’m a wizard.
SAM
A wizard! Holy Smokes! Onomatopoeically Grumpy Gnome said to say hi.
WIZARD
You’re down with O.G.G?! Then I can surely trust you to send a message to the king! But
how will you get there? So little time, and they took my broomstick upon my exile…
5.
SAM
Would this help?
Sam holds up the map.
WIZARD
It will, oh yes! Saddle up, young man, and hold on tight. Tell the king the dragon is in
Swamptown. You don’t have a helmet, so please- fly carefully. Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo!
Sam flies around and out with a
“Whooaoaaoaaa,” and we meet the KING, who
is practicing a speech to the people.
KING
Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know where the dragon is. No, no, no. Ladies and gentlemen
of Houstonistan, we have a problem… no, that’s not it… what the devil–?!
Sam flies in and lands clumsily near the King.
SAM
Are you King the K– King LeRoy?
KING
I am. Who are you?
SAM
I’m Sam. The dragon is in Swamptown.
KING
How do you know that?
SAM
I met your brother, the Wizard.
KING
How did you–?
SAM
There’s no time for that now. Why do we need to find the dragon, and how do we get to
Swamptown?
KING
It’s too late.
6.
SAM
It’s never too late.
KING
The kingdom is bankrupt. The dragon stole all our money, and the citizens will find out in a
matter of minutes. When they do, it’ll be anarchy.
SAM
Would this help?
KING
A golden nugget! Yes, my boy, yes, it might. But I can’t be in two places at once, and I’ll
need your help. I can show golden nugget to the people, and it might tide them over for an
hour or so, but will you… will you go to Swamptown and fight the dragon?
SAM
Is it a mean dragon?
KING
He’s the meanest, fiercest, awfulest dragon that ever lived. He doesn’t breathe fire, he
swallows it, leaving everything he conquers in utter darkness. Will you do it, Sam?
SAM
(gulps)
As you wish.
KING
Godspeed, son. To get to Swamptown, head due north, then westerly. Southwest at the
fork, then southeast, east, due north, and then due north one last time. And know this: the
dragon’s name is Grimshaw and he’s always hungry.
The King leaves, shouting to the people. Sam
heads to Swamptown, where he finds
GRIMSHAW stalking around. There is noise.
SAM
Excuse me, hello?
Grimshaw doesn’t notice.
Hello, Mr. Dragon?
Grimshaw doesn’t notice.
HEY GRIMSHAW!
7.
Grimshaw notices.
M-m-my name’s Sam. I think you need to give the people back their gold.
GRIMSHAW
That so? You gonna make somethin’ of it?
SAM
Maybe I will.
GRIMSHAW
Do you know who you’re talking to, son?
SAM
They tell me you’re the meanest, fiercest, awfulest dragon that ever walked the earth.
GRIMSHAW
That’s an understatement, son.
SAM
You know what else they tell me?
GRIMSHAW
What?
SAM
They tell me you’re always hungry.
GRIMSHAW
They ain’t lyin’.
SAM
(breaking character)
Well hey, man, I’ve got this sandwich, would this help?
GRIMSHAW
(also breaking)
Beautiful. That would be awesome.
SAM
Here you go.
Grimshaw devours the sandwich.
8.
GRIMSHAW
Peanut butter! Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
The peanut butter sticks to the top of his mouth.
He tries, like a dog, to get it off.
Can’t… swallow… fire. Rendered … completely… nonthreatening.
He falls. ANOTHER GNOME enters.
ANOTHER GNOME
Nice work, kid. Where’s the corpse?
SAM
Thanks. It’s right there. Who are you?
ANOTHER GNOME
You have three–
SAM
Christianstiltskin Wolf?
MR. WOLF
That’s Mr. Wolf to you. O.G.G. sent me to clean up. You get to bed now, okay kid?
SAM
Thanks, Mr. Wolf. It’s a pleasure to watch you work.
Christianstiltskin and Grimshaw exit, and Sam,
back in his room, gets into bed. Dad enters.
DAD
You pick out a book, buddy?
SAM
I think I’m too tired for a story, Dad. Maybe tomorrow?
DAD
Tomorrow it is. Goodnight, Sam.
SAM
Dad?
DAD
Yeah.
9.
SAM
Could you turn off the light?
DAD
You sure?
SAM
Yeah, I’m sure. Thanks, Dad.
DAD
Anytime. Sweet dreams, Sam.
Dad turns off the light.
THE END.
10.

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