SHOTZ VS. NY
by
John Behlmann

john.behlmann@gmail.com

The place is pitch black. Two kids enter. They have
flashlights. They are not supposed to be here.
COOL KID
Whoa, what is this place?
SINCERE KID
It’s a theater. Or it used to be.
COOL KID
Where’s the screen dumbass?
SINCERE KID
Naw man, not like a movie theater. Like a theater theater. For plays and junk.
COOL KID
That’s gay. How’d you find it?
SINCERE KID
My uncle used to work as an usher here.
COOL KID
What, in like the 1800’s?
SINCERE KID
Naw man, in the 70’s. Back when theater used to be relevant… or whatever. You
shouldn’t say that.
COOL KID
Say what?
SINCERE KID
Gay. Meaning stupid or whatever. My uncle was gay.
COOL KID
Exactly.
(as SINCERE KID’s uncle)
“Oh pardon me sir. This way to your seat. Please hold my hand while I escort you down
the aisle. Don’t you just love plays? Would you like to kiss me now?”
SINCERE KID
Shut up man!
COOL KID
“Skip right this way please sir.”
COOL KID laughs and skips around a bit, then trips on
an unseen object.
COOL KID
Ow. What’s that? Whoa. Your uncle must’ve been a pretty shitty usher.
SINCERE KID
Why?
He shines his flashlight on the thing… It’s a CORPSE!
COOL KID
This guy never found his seat.
SHARP BLACKOUT.
MUSIC PLAYS over black. It’s the THEME from LAW &
ORDER. Finally, the **DONG DONG** (that transition
sound that happens between scenes in L&O) Note: this
sound will recur throughout. Every time it plays, there
should be a simultaneous blackout and rearranging of the
scene, like we’ve moved locations. This should happen
very very quickly.
Lights fade up on the crime scene, a bit later.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Building’s an abandoned playhouse, used to be a hangout for important theater artists back
in the seventies. Now it’s mostly filled with bums and drug addicts.
DETECTIVE RANDO
So what’s changed?
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Ha. Couple of kids found the body when they were messing around on the stage. Looks
like he’s been here a day or so.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
Hell of a way to make your off-broadway debut.
2.
DETECTIVE RANDO
My niece is a theater major at NYU, believe me, I’ve seen worse.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
We found flecks of brick and cement under the fingernails. Skull damage from the brick
wall. Lacerations on the scalp and bruising on the back and forearms. This was no
accident. This was a struggle.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Any ID on him?
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Just this.
He hands them a card.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Frequent buyer card at the Odd Leaf Coffee Shop. One stamp shy of a free coffee.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
Hope he likes it black.
**DONG DONG** Odd Leaf Coffee Shop.
HIPSTER BARISTA
Yeah, I seen him in here before. He’s a suit. Everyday he gets a non-fat skinny vanilla
soy latte. It’s a real pain in the ass to make.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Yeah, well that pain in the ass got his head bashed in yesterday in an abandoned theater.
HIPSTER BARISTA
It’s official then: theater is a dead art form. No more soy lattes, less work for me I guess.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
Don’t talk to me about work punk! A man is dead! Go get a haircut and a good job!
DETECTIVE RANDO
Anything else you can tell us about our dead friend?
HIPSTER BARISTA
I think he works at the place on the corner, and he tips like crap. But what do I know, I
can’t even get a good job.
**DONG DONG** The place on the corner.
3.
WORKMAN HECTOR
Yeah he works here. His name is Robert Muldoon.
DETECTIVE RANDO
What’s he do around here?
WORKMAN HECTOR
Not my department, not my business. You’d have to ask Frankie. Upstairs, last door on
the left.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
Thanks “pal”.
**DONG DONG** Frankie’s office.
FRANKIE
Hector told you to come see Frankie? Oh, that guy. I don’t know no Robert Muldoon.
DETECTIVE RANDO
You don’t know a Robert Muldoon?
FRANKIE
Hector knows him, he’s just bustin’ your balls. You gotta go back downstairs.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
Real cute.
**DONG DONG** Back downstairs with Hector. He
speaks differently now.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Enough with the jokes Hector. Who’s Muldoon?
WORKMAN HECTOR
That was a good one though right?
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
Your little joke could land you in jail asswipe! A man is dead in a theater!
WORKMAN HECTOR
A theater? Like for movies?
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
No, like, live theater.
4.
WORKMAN HECTOR
Magic shows?
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
No, plays.
WORKMAN HECTOR
Like The Lion King?
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
No, like– yes. Like the Lion King.
WORKMAN HECTOR
Alright. Muldoon’s our boss. He lives downtown.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
We’ll be in touch. (re: his changed accent) Were you always Irish?
**DONG DONG** Downtown.
NEIGHBOR
Muldoon. Yeah. Nice guy, he’s pretty chummy with the doorman.
**DONG DONG** With the doorman.
CARRIBEAN DOORMAN
Yeah officer. Yesterday Mister Muldoon got in a big fight with the maid.
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
What about?
CARRIBEAN DOORMAN
You can ask her.
**DONG DONG** Maid’s Quarters.
HISPANIC MAID
Meestah Robert? No. He’s a nice man. I fight with his wife.
**DONG DONG** With Muldoon’s Wife.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Ma’am?
5.
HOT WIFE
(sobbing)
Oh Robert!! Robert!! You were so young! Damn you Hector!
**DONG DONG** With Hector again. Boxes.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Alright, come clean Hector!
WORKMAN HECTOR
You got me detectives, the truth is–
**DONG DONG** No Hector.
DETECTIVE RANDO
What the–?? We didn’t even finish talking to him. Give us 10 seconds. People aren’t
that ADD. Where’d Hector go?
DETECTIVE FARRAGUT
How the hell should I kn–
**DONG DONG** FARRAGUT is gone.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Oh come on!! This is fucking ridiculous! Where’s my partner?
**DONG DONG** FARRAGUT is on the ground dead.
DETECTIVE RANDO
Farragut! Get up. What are you… Jesus Christ!! What the fuck shit is going on?! I’m
outta here.
He starts out when– **DONG DONG** He’s back.
DETECTIVE RANDO
STOP IT!!! I don’t want to do this anymore! I didn’t sign up for this shit. I’m an actor
goddamnit! A real actor! And I’m sick of all the knocks on theater and the bullshit
storylines! I thought this was my lucky break. I thought I’d do this for a few years and
make some money and buy a nice house and finally be famous enough to do Shakespeare
in Park. But it sucks your life away! So fuck you and fuck this jo–
**DONG DONG**
He is dead. Moment of silence.
6.
**DONG DONG**
In black out, SINCERE KID and COOL KID enter again
with Flashlights.
COOL KID
Whoa, what is this place?
SINCERE KID
It’s a theater. Or it used to be.
BLACKOUT. As LAW & ORDER theme plays again.
THE END.

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