by Jonathan Spector
2419 Dowling Place
Berkeley, CA 94705

DIRECTOR: Molly Aaronson-Gelb

PLAYERS: Sydney Gamble and Thea Rodgers

A – coddled but thoughtful
B – intuitive
(addresses the audience)
You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you here today
What exactly our purpose is
for being
I know its all been very hush-hush
and I’m sorry
I don’t mean to get too like
navel-gazy about it
It’s just
I mean I’m not looking for you to
define my
raison d’être
of whatever
I realize that’s my job
or at least
and my therapist
and my girlfriend
and my girlfriend’s mother
through my girlfriend
as a conduit
but this is the problem right?
we define ourselves
though our relationships with other people
or at least I do
and I mean
I’m sorry
please don’t be offended
but I’ve already
I’ve sort of gone ahead and defined you that way
I mean I’m sure you’re very
from your perspective
and if we were
on a plane stuck together on the tarmac
I mean
if we were together stuck on the plane
on the tarmac
I’m sure we’d get to talking
At first it’d be
what do you think is going on
as though you would know
like you’re privy to some special information
but you know
its possible
I don’t know you
you could well have
Aeronautical Expertise
but you don’t
so then we’re very much
you know
How long do you think we’ll be stuck here
Don’t they have to let us use the bathroom
Can we at least get the air conditioning going? I’m wilting here.
that sort of thing
and then
you know what would make this scenario a little more clarifying
is if
do you mind if we go ahead and say that we’re in another country
so we don’t have
or at least I don’t
maybe you have some kind of fancy international
but let’s assume neither of us are getting cell phone coverage
so we’re just
you know
me and you
and eventually
we’d discover some things about each other
maybe not so much a Catalogue of Biographical Facts
but we would at least
I think
have a sense of the other person
so when I saw you again here
I could be like
I could say to myself
that guy
or girl
lady whatever
he’s a nice fellow
or fella
But my point here is that we don’t have this kind of intimacy between us
You’re operating
I’m afraid
with incomplete information
but such is life
as the French say
I think they say
They say something like that I’m pretty sure
its sounds like a very French thing to say
(with French Accent) “Such Is Life”
And maybe this would all be a bit easier if we were French
don’t you think
and not just because of the
you know
the historic ennui
its more
they’re a very decisive people
which is not to say they don’t fuck things up
of course they fuck things up
but they don’t wallow
I think
in fact
I think if you were a group of French people and I asked you
are you prepared to make a bid?
I’d see a sea of hands shoot up
they’d be excited to just be here
to get in on the ground floor
to be first round investors
in me
I’ll be auctioning today
up to forty-nine percent of myself
please don’t think me greedy
but its important that I retain a controlling share
I’m not saying I’m not open to other perspectives on how to run my life
of course we want to hear from the stockholders
it just so happens that I’m much more familiar with this product than anyone else
I have years of expertise
But think how wonderful it will be
you’ll have your own life
and a little piece of me
you’ll get monthly reports on how the stock is valued
how profitable I am being
as well as a qualitative analysis
How happy am I
Have I been sticking to my exercise routine
am I in tune with the latest fashion trends
is my sex life satisfactory
am I, on average, envied by more people than I am envious of?
our initial analysis shows this to be a solid conservative investment
since people do, on average, get happier and wealthier as they get older
so I’m taking bids
right now
just raise your hand
(B raises her hand)
young lady
Choose me!
I have
oh that’s great
where would you like to start the bidding?
Could I just?
(Climbing down over other audience members. Holds a filefolder and a clipboard)
Do you mind if ask a few questions about the portfolio
I represent a group of investors
there are just a few items not covered the packet
Yes sure of course
so just to start
can you describe the worst moment of your life
I’m just trying to
get some parameters
no of course
you can describe it as a color
if you like
um ok
pretty standard
so if you had a child and a goldfish
at what age would stop secretly replacing the dead goldfish with a new one and force the
child to confront the reality of death
good good
and and vice versa?
how old for the goldfish
I’m sorry?
that’s fine
we can move on
you represented to us that you come completely intact?
you’re offering 49% of yourself
and the other 51% will remain under you forbearance
that’s right
so you’ve never
in the past
given any part of yourself to another person
a friend
a lover
cherished pet
no no no
of course not
I’m sorry to hear that
It does not bode well for the projected value of the stock
Thank you for your time
(extends her hand)
I’m sorry
My group is going to have to pass on the offer
wait what?
this is a fantastic deal
I’m sure its possible
maybe you just haven’t met the right whatever
But someone like you
someone who’s lived this long
and remained closed off to the world
It’s just not a sound investment
(A looks distraught)
Hey maybe you could do a kickstarter or something
you know
take a more grassroots approach
(A starts crying)
And the rest of you folks
if you know what’s good for you
I wouldn’t waste anymore energy here
you can find a better investment for you time.