THE DOCTOR IS IN

by Karen Macklin

HILLARY MAMED, a woman in her mid-30s (to be played by Carlye Pollack)
THE SECRETARY, a woman in her early 20s (to be played by Alanna Coby)

(A doctor’s office. THE SECRETARY is sitting at the reception, with large headphones on. She is at a computer, though the computer need not be visible. “You Are My Shining Star” by the Manhattans is playing softly in the background. It will continue looping throughout the scene. It is the waiting room music. It can also be played without the words, as “muzak”. It should be low, though it should fade in and out at a slightly louder volume than it is during the rest of the play. HILLARY walks with purpose in to the office and approaches the front desk.)

HILLARY
Good morning.

(THE SECRETARY doesn’t hear her.)

Hello? Good morning!

(HILLARY raps on desk with her fist.)

Excuse me!

THE SECRETARY
(Removing her headphones.) Oh, hello. How can I help you?

HILLARY
Do you always wear headphones while you’re on the job?

THE SECRETARY
Yes, absolutely.

HILLARY
Isn’t that—

THE SECRETARY
I’m sorry, did you say what your name was?

HILLARY
No. And even if I had—

THE SECRETARY
Do you have an appointment?

HILLARY
Yes, I have an appointment for 9.

THE SECRETARY
(Looking in the appointment book.) Is that AM?

HILLARY
Either that or I’m 12 hours early.

THE SECRETARY
So, AM?

HILLARY
Yes, AM.

THE SECRETARY
(Looking at either the computer screen, or an appointment book.) Last name, please?

HILLARY
Mamed.

THE SECRETARY
As in Ali?

(HILLARY looks at her in confusion.)

Muhammad as in Muhammad Ali?

HILLARY
No, it’s Mamed. Not Muhammad. M-A-M-E-D.

THE SECRETARY
First name?

HILLARY
Hillary.

THE SECRETARY
As in—

HILLARY
As in “Hillary”.

THE SECRETARY
OK. I see you’re down for 9am. I’ll need to see some identification.

HILLARY
To see the doctor?

THE SECRETARY
We need to know who you are.

HILLARY
I just told you who I am.

THE SECRETARY
The doctor requires proof of identification. A United States birth certificate is preferable. An original, please, if you have it.

HILLARY
Oh, I have no idea where my birth certificate is. I mean, I just moved. It’s probably in a box somewhere. I haven’t seen that thing in years.

THE SECRETARY
I can also accept a driver’s license, but only for the first appointment. Then, I highly recommend you find your birth certificate. It’s more secure. For all of us.

HILLARY
Fine, whatever. (Looking through her wallet.) Here, here’s my license.

THE SECRETARY
It’s out of state.

HILLARY
Like I said, I just moved.

THE SECRETARY
Oh. Well. Anyway, I’ll just place it with your file, and give it back to you when you leave. In the meantime, you can fill out these forms.

(THE SECRETARY hands HILLARY a stack of about 15 forms, a clipboard, and a pen.)

HILLARY
This is a lot of paperwork.

THE SECRETARY
I know. I’m sorry. The doctor is very thorough. But you can take your time. There’s a waiting area just over there. The doctor’s not in yet, so there’s no rush at all.

HILLARY
The doctor’s not in?

THE SECRETARY
No, the doctor gets here just in time for the first appointment, and that’s you.

(HILLARY takes the forms to the waiting area and starts to fill them out. A few moments later, she returns to the desk. The Secretary has her headphones on again.)

Excuse me. Hello. Hello!

THE SECRETARY
Hello, you’re back.

HILLARY
You know, it’s a little unprofessional to listen to music while you work at a reception desk.

THE SECRETARY
Oh, I’m not listening to music. These keep the noise out, so I can hear myself think. It’s hard with all the distraction, don’t you agree? Some days I find it impossible to tell myself apart. Like where do I end and where does the noise begin? Or is there even a separation? I would loan you a pair but I only have the one.

HILLARY
That’s alright, I …

THE SECRETARY
Did you need my help with something?

HILLARY
This is asking me some very personal questions that don’t seem to pertain to my visit here.

THE SECRETARY
It’s hard to say what pertains to your visit before you’ve had it, isn’t it?

HILLARY
It’s asking for my religious affiliation, and for the… for the name of my last … sexual partner …

THE SECRETARY
Is this information you don’t know?

HILLARY
No, I know it, of course … I just think it’s private.

THE SECRETARY
You’re welcome to leave those areas blank. (In a softer voice.) Though I wouldn’t.

HILLARY
Why not?

THE SECRETARY
(Softly.) If you leave something blank, you give someone else permission to fill it in for you … know what I mean?

HILLARY
Maybe I’ll just wait until … when will the doctor be here? It’s nearly five after.

THE SECRETARY
I couldn’t say for sure. The doctor is usually on time, though occasionally a little behind. Unfortunately, I can’t contact the doctor to confirm. The doctor can only contact me. This is for security reasons. I hope you understand.

HILLARY
That’s a terrible business model, you know that? Terrible.

THE SECRETARY
Terrible?

HILLARY
Terrible!

THE SECRETARY
I’m very sorry for any inconvenience. There’s really nothing worse than inconvenience, is there? Please let me know when you’ve completed the forms.

(The secretary puts her headphones back on. HILLARY goes back to the waiting area for a few moments. HILLARY returns.)

Listen, I’m going to have to reschedule. I have to be somewhere, and I’m really not sure this is the right physician for me anyway.

THE SECRETARY
(Removing the headphones.) Sorry?

HILLARY
I need to leave.

THE SECRETARY
Oh, you do? That may be a bit of a problem. You can’t get out without the code. I’m really sorry.
The doctor is the only one with the code to the door, and it stays locked unless the doctor enters the code.

HILLARY
That’s ridiculous. I’m leaving.

(She goes to leave, but the door won’t open. She makes a few attempts.)

Miss, please open this door.

THE SECRETARY
I can’t. I don’t have code status. But I am sure the doctor will be arriving any moment. So have a seat and try to relax, OK? There’s really no rush. (Beat.) Trust me.

(HILLARY goes to argue, but THE SECRETARY puts her headphones back on. HILLARY stands there as the music comes up again and the lights go down.)

END

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