AGENT EGGERS is exhausted.  He’s been doing this for a long time.

AGENT BACON has marginally more energy, and infinitely more hope.

RICHARD, too, has been waiting a long time.

[AGENTS EGGERS is on one side of the stage, surrounded by surveillance equipment. HE is exhausted. Behind a barrier is RICHARD, in his home, in a white t-shirt. HE checks on dinner, and slowly dresses in a suit and tie.  AGENT BACON enters the surveillance area, with two cups of coffee.]

AGENT EGGERS

He’s the most boring person that I’ve ever seen.  That I’ve ever surveilled.  But he’s also the most disastrous.

AGENT BACON

Disastrous?

AGENT EGGERS

No, not that. No, nefarious!  He wrote another letter this afternoon.  He writes more letters than a third-grader learning penmanship.  He’s either a brilliant cryptographer, or a giant loser.

AGENT BACON

It’s possible that he’s just a nice guy who likes to keep in touch with people…

AGENT EGGERS

A nice guy?  A nice guy?!  Look at him.  He is a threat.  A menace.  And tonight’s the night that his evil plans come to fruition.  I’ve already called for backup.

AGENT BACON

What?  What did I miss?

AGENT EGGERS

Agent Bacon, you have missed decades of wicked plotting.  You’ve missed every signal he’s sent out.  I know you’ve only been here for the last 6 years, but I’ve been here for all – what day is it?

AGENT BACON

Monday.

AGENT EGGERS

All… 14 years of this mission. Let me review the file for you.

AGENT BACON

Are we really going to go through this again?

AGENT EGGERS

I go through it every day in my head.  It’s the only way we can stop him.  When he was 20, he referred to a middle-eastern restaurant as “the bomb” on Friendster. 

AGENT BACON

Right, but that’s just common –

AGENT EGGERS

And that’s when we set all this up.  A few weeks later, he sent an electronic message through Eudora to someone asking for a recipe… for baklava.

AGENT BACON

He probably just liked what he had for dessert.

AGENT EGGERS

What 20-year-old makes baklava?  He probably meant balaclava.  Or Baked Alaska… maybe he wants to burn down… Alaska…

AGENT BACON

I don’t think that’s poss –

AGENT EGGERS

Just days after that, he clicked on a link to classmates.com that was sent to him when one of his… “classmates” spammed her own contact list.  And then it turned out that someone else from that very same “graduating class” was accused of illegally downloading music from Napster! 

AGENT BACON

Which is what kids were doing back then…

AGENT EGGERS

Were the kids “asking jeeves” where to find POISON…’s greatest hits?

AGENT BACON

Poison is just a terrible band from the 80s…

AGENT EGGERS

Warrant is a terrible band from the 80s too, and we don’t need them anymore either. 

AGENT BACON

Clever.

AGENT EGGERS

Agent Bacon, I have lived and breathed this case since the dawn of the internet age.  I’ve watched this man bookmark pages on del.icio.us, host sites on GeoCities… I’ve watched stroke by stroke as he AOL-Instant-Messenged people about all sorts of wicked things.

AGENT BACON

I’ve never seen anything to indicate any –

AGENT EGGERS

You don’t see.  The messages.  The signals.  [pause.  maybe the first one.]  What’s he making for dinner?

AGENT BACON

[sniffs]  Baked Ziti.

AGENT EGGERS

Right, we’ve seen him make it hundreds of times.

AGENT BACON

It’s my favorite.

AGENT EGGERS

How long does it take?

AGENT BACON

20 minutes to prep, 35 minutes to cook.

AGENT EGGERS

Exactly.  But.  When he set the timer, he set it for 25 minutes.

AGENT BACON

Maybe he wants to remember to put the asparagus in.

AGENT EGGERS

They’re already in!

AGENT BACON

They’re going to get too crispy.

AGENT EGGERS

I know, Agent Bacon.  I also know that when that timer goes off, his evil deed will be revealed to us.  He’s dressing up!  He has the news on.  He’s going to sit back, eat some ziti and asparagus, and watch Alaska burn.  We need to crack – [RICHARD has gathered some trash and is…]  He’s going to take out the trash!  Watch the apartment.  [RICHARD and AGENT EGGERS both exit.  THEY meet offstage.]

RICHARD (offstage)

Hi, neighbor.

AGENT EGGERS (offstage)

Hi, regular normal citizen.  Throwing out the trash?

RICHARD (offstage)

Yes.

AGENT EGGERS (offstage)

I see, well… I know about Alaska.

RICHARD (offstage)

I’m sorry?

AGENT EGGERS (offstage)

I said… I know about Alaska.

RICHARD (offstage)

I know about it too?

AGENT EGGERS (offstage)

I bet you do.  [THEY return to their areas.  AGENT EGGERS has the trash bag that RICHARD was throwing out and is sorting through it.  HE occasionally finds things that affirm his beliefs.  RICHARD continues getting dressed and preparing a table for two.]

AGENT BACON

You know, he seems so normal.  His family seems great.  It’s funny how they still call him ______.  Successful at work.  Cute.  I can’t believe he hasn’t had better luck with dating.  Remember that girl he was seeing for a while?  Stephanie?

AGENT EGGERS

[HE is completely divorced from reality now.  As AGENT BACON continues:]  Stephanie says… Velvet Underground… the people all call her… the timer!  It’s…

AGENT BACON

They were great together for a little while.  I mean, I thought he could do better.  She was cute, but… remember when she missed his big concert?

AGENT EGGERS

I had flyers printed up with the wrong time and location. 

AGENT BACON

No.  Wait, what?  What about Lisa?

AGENT EGGERS

Lisa?

AGENT BACON

Lisa, the runner?

AGENT EGGERS

She was part of it!  Every time she left his apartment I had her followed.  And I hacked into his email account and broke things off.

AGENT BACON

You what?!

AGENT EGGERS

He has to be isolated.  Ostracized.  Removed from society.  Until we figure out what he’s planning, any signal he sends out needs to be intercepted and analyzed.  He’s –

AGENT BACON

He’s just a guy.  He lives his life… I think you may be misreading the signals – [Timer goes off.]

RICHARD

Hello.  Hello, everybody.  I know that you can hear me.

Can anybody hear me?

I know that you’re out there.  I know that you’re listening.  I know I’m not alone.

I have tried to reach out through conventional means.  I’ve been sending out signals.  I have written letters, sent emails.  Text messages.  I have spoken to you in coffee shops and at parties.  These signals have helped me interact with you in short bursts.  In friendships, with lovers.  But there is something missing.  You have not returned the signals.  Not with the same strength.  And now I’m reaching out with a more direct message.  I know… I have to believe that you have been listening.

Everything I have spoken, every gesture, everything has been a signal.  The way that I orient myself, my facial expressions, the buttons I’ve sewn onto my coat, the buttons I have yet to replace, the fabrics, the colors, they are signals.  Avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, stepping on crunchy leaves, the courses I’ve taken, the meals I make, the art, the non-conventional order of words, the books I read on the subway, the affinities, the affiliations, the rapt attention to detail, the general and the specific, the wild leaps of faith, the timid retreats from the ledges, the predilections, the vacations, the jobs… the fonts on my resumes, the jokes I repeat, the jokes I laugh at but can’t remember, the flashbacks, the scents, the drawing of breaths at the climatic scenes, even the elation, the squinting at stars, recoiling at real and imagined bugs, the faces I make in the mirrors when I’m alone – when I thought I was alone, the numbers I’ve rolled on dice, the wishes I’ve made when the clock lines up right…

These are forms of self-expression, yes, and I’ve done or crafted or exhaled them for myself… but also for you.

I’ve been trying to find you.

I know you’re out there.

If you’re out there, please let me know.  As soon as you can.  Dinner is ready, after all.

[AGENT BACON leaves the surveillance area and enters RICHARD’S apartment.  THEY greet each other, embrace, start to dance.]

AGENT EGGERS

Agent Bacon, come back here.

AGENT BACON

I can’t.  I’m listening to the signals.

AGENT EGGERS

Oh, well, get a room then.

RICHARD

This is my room.

AGENT EGGERS

Well, get a private room.

AGENT BACON

There are no private rooms anymore, Agent.

AGENT EGGERS

You are betraying your country.  You are endangering Alaska. 

AGENT BACON

There are only two kinds of people in this world: the surveillers , and the surveilled.  And I’d rather be surveilled.

[Lights fade to BLACKOUT]

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