Directd by Meissa Haines
Featuring Christian Haines, Mariah Castle and Mike Hon
(Visiting room at a prison. A handcuffed prisoner waits with a glass of water in front of him.)
WARDEN
I hope they find you a kidney transplant real soon.
FERRIS
Thanks, man.
WARDEN
And thanks for those Mets tickets-
(A woman enters. She is nervous and dressed rather shlumpy. The warden pats her down and inspects her purse. She sits.)
MOLLY
Bueller?
FERRIS
Bueller.
MOLLY
Bueller?
FERRIS
It’s me, Molly.
(She still doesn’t recognize him. He dunks his hand in a glass of water, slicks the sides of his hair back. Nothing. He pops the collar.)
MOLLY
Oh, my god! Ferris! It is you. You look so different. I mean, just- wow. You know?
FERRIS
Yeah. You look- How have you been, Molly?
MOLLY
Good. Fine. Well, you know.
FERRIS
No, I don’t know, Mol. Tell me.
MOLLY
Well, good. Basically good. Um… It’s been such a long time. I don’t really know what to say. Got married to Jake straight out of high school. Divorced a few years back.
FERRIS
Didn’t you used to go with Judd?
MOLLY
Briefly. Parents didn’t approve, and outside of detention- I’m a “stuck up bitch,” if I recall.
FERRIS
Sounds like him. He’s in solitary for-
MOLLY
He’s here?!
FERRIS
Oh, yeah. A lot of the old gang is here. Ducky hit the skids when some girl rejected him. You remember the jock? Busted for drug possession.
WARDEN
You don’t want to know what the geek is in for.
MOLLY
Professor Skinner? Is that you?!
WARDEN
Yeah. (shrugs) Pay’s better here.
MOLLY
Wow. I thought the reunion looked a little anemic. May I- I don’t know if it’s polite to ask, but-
FERRIS
What am I in for?
MOLLY
Well, I’ve heard rumors. Everything from organ trafficking to public urination to setting zoo animals free…
FERRIS
My counsel has advised me to remain silent on those matters. Actually, you all know what I did.
WARDEN
Obstruction of traffic with aggravated German gyration, grand theft auto-
FERRIS
Long Duck Dong and I are in the same wing- Molly looks embarrassed.
WARDEN
Repeated truancy, alteration of public record and impersonation of the Sausage King.
MOLLY
That’s a felony?
FERRIS
In and of itself, no. But when said Lord of Lard’s credit card is readily available, one has an uncontrollable urge to travel, obtain appropriate attire for zoological liberation, and make sizable donations to ironic causes, like PETA.
MOLLY
Jesus. Are you okay? I mean, how are you?
FERRIS
I’m great. I get so much love from the outside, and I’ve found my way in here. Joined a group of Goonies down on block 4. Weirdos, but always up for adventure. How are you? You seem…
MOLLY
Trapped in a life of quiet desperation? I seem… like a woman who peaked at 16 and has been on a spiraling decline into a suburban hell since? Maybe I seem like the average girl who has always pined in silent admiration of a rich, handsome, shallow shithead who doesn’t know I exist? The unexceptional “nice girl” who is virtually invisible, easily crushed-
FERRIS
Mol-
MOLLY
Why the hell did you invite me here?
FERRIS
I-
MOLLY
Do you need money? Cigarettes?
FERRIS
I don’t need anyth-
MOLLY
Because I’m sure you could charm other people-
FERRIS
I wanted to ask you to prom.
MOLLY
What? To prom…
FERRIS
I never got the chance to ask you before…
MOLLY
You were Ferris Bueller. Ferris Bueller could have had anyone.
FERRIS
But he wanted you, Mol.
MOLLY
You never even knew my name.
FERRIS
Of course I knew your name. I just couldn’t- You were straight-A Molly, and I was literally the guy thatevery Dad warned their daughters about. I had an idea of how to ask you, but it didn’t work out-
MOLLY
You were really going to ask me?
FERRIS
It involved a pair of hippopotami and a giraffe-
MOLLY
So after all these years you brought me here to let me know that you wish you had asked me to prom?
FERRIS
No, I brought you all the way here to ask you: Molly, will you go to prom with me?
MOLLY
How can I-
WARDEN
Time’s almost up, Bueller.
FERRIS
Just say yes. Please, Molly.
MOLLY
Okay, fine, yes. (Ferris nods at Warden.)
WARDEN
Just don’t tell the other guys about this, k?
(Warden hands Molly a package and points her to a bathroom offstage. She exits. The warden puts on a trench coat and hangs a handmade sign that says,”Prom Class of 1985. Go Cougars!” He hands Ferris a bow-tie and corsage. Ferris puts on tie.)
FERRIS
You never forget the firsts in high school, right guys? And I’m not talking about the first ones to develop a rack or clean your pipes in your best friend’s basement. I mean, you never forget them either- well, no, you kind of do. I can’t remember her name. I remember the smell of her shampoo and that she always drank Tab, but that’s about it. But Molly was the first girl that made me want to do homework. She was everywoman. The knock out who didn’t know it. She had a great rack too, let’s be honest. Molly. The freaks I hung out with would never have understood what I saw in her, but in here, you get to thinking about-
(Molly has returned in a Pink prom dress.)
You look. I mean, good golly, Miss Molly-
MOLLY
So, now what?
FERRIS
We dance.
(The warden uncuffs Ferris. He hits mood lighting. Warden holds an ipod over his head (like Say
Anything) and it plays In your Eyes. They slow dance. Kiss. Warden slow claps.)
MOLLY
Thank you.
FERRIS
Danke shen.
(Timer goes off.)
WARDEN
Time’s up, Bueller.
FERRIS
Before you go, Mol, I have an odd favor to ask you.
MOLLY
Yes?
FERRIS
I had to pull a few strings to arrange this. Um, Can I borrow your underwear?
(Bom chicka chicka music from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off plays)
Art and Music in Our Souls 