DINNER AT TASHI’S

Directed by Christian Haines

With David Levine, Sarah Rose Butler and Tim Meehan

An Apartment living room. Bob is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Alice dashes in the door and begins frantically taking off her coat, shoes, etc. as she rushes through to her bedroom.

ALICE:

Hey, roomie, can’t talk, gotta go. First date.

BOB:

Nice. How did you meet him?

ALICE:

Carol. He plays squash with Ted.

BOB:

Who plays squash any more?

ALICE:

Apparently they do.

BOB:

Let’s hope he’s not a pretentious snob like that last guy.

ALICE:

Who could’ve known that a guy who makes puppets for a living could be so full of himself?

BOB:

And hand puppets at that. “The puppet is actually a little life being channeled through your fingertips”.

ALICE:

Hopefully this guy will be better. Carol says he’s a Doctor.

BOB:

Ooo, a Doctor! Brain Surgeon?

ALICE:

Not quite… Periodontist.

BOB:

Fantastic! Your brain dead children will have great gums.

(They laugh)

Alice comes in zipping up her dress.

ALICE:

Bob, you’re like a brother to me but don’t be a dick.

BOB:

So, where’s he taking you?

ALICE:

Some new Sushi place South of Market.

BOB:

Not Tashi’s.

ALICE:

Yeah, so?

BOB:

Trendy new Asian restaurant, squash… if he drives a BMW you’re fucked.

ALICE:

That’s what I’m praying for.

BOB:

My Grandmother used to say; “If your eyes sparkle in the dark because a man has a flashlight you hit the wall and that’s the way it goes”.

ALICE:

Your Grandmother sounds like a whack job!

BOB:

True… but she did have great gums.

ALICE:

Gotta go!

BOB:

Have a great time and give me all the dirt when you get home.

ALICE:

Only if it’s not too dirty!

(pause)

She grabs her very large purse and heads for the door.

BOB:

What’s with the big bag?

ALICE:

A girl has to be prepared for anything.

BOB:

Oooh, you saucy wench! She runs out the door.
Blackout.

Lights up on Brad waiting for Alice. She enters and hurries up to him.

ALICE:

Hi, are you Brad? I’m so sorry I’m late.

BRAD:

Hey, no problem. it’s a little wet out there. Our table’s right over here.
He walks her over to two blocks on the floor. He takes off his shoes and sits behind a box.

BRAD

Please, have a seat. You should take your shoes off first, though.

Alice is totally thrown. She takes off her shoes and tries to be graceful sitting but it’s difficult in her dress. When they are seated;

ALICE

So, Brad, Carol tells me you’re a Periodontist?

BRAD

Guilty.

ALICE:

What’s that like?

BRAD:

Good times. You’d be surprised how fulfilling it is watching people writhe in pain.

ALICE

Interesting.

BRAD:

Not really… it was a joke.

ALICE:

Thank God! I didn’t take you for the De Sade type.

BRAD:

So I fooled yet another.

ALICE:

Ha, ha!

ALICE:

So, What do you do when you’re not digging around? I hear you play squash?

BRAD:

(It’s clear that Alice likes this guy)

True, but I don’t want to talk about that, I want to talk about babies. Do you have any?

ALICE

Uhh, no. No, I’m single and free! (laughs awkwardly) I’m not saying I don’t want kids some day, I do, I’m just not quite ready right now… She notices that he’s staring at her mouth.

ALICE

Um, do I have something in my teeth?

BRAD

What? No! I just… you have beautiful gums.

ALICE

Thanks… I think. (pause) So, I’m assuming you want kids?

BRAD

Me? Are you kidding? Plaque buckets, that’s what I call them. They don’t floss, even though they say they do,
they lie. And they all want a Lolly Pop when they leave my office. Like I’m a Dentist or something.

ALICE

Wow! That must be awful for you.

BRAD

It’s like my Mother used to say; “When you don’t tend the earth the trees fall down; that’s the way it goes”.

ALICE

I think I’ve heard that one. Will you excuse me for a minute? I have to powder my…

BRAD

You have to pee?

ALICE

Yeah.

She walks off to the bathroom. Bob runs up to Brad.

BOB

So, how’s it going?

BRAD

Great! I don’t think she suspects a thing.

Alice steps back in to the room and listens.

BOB

Thanks, man. Keep it up and she’ll come running home to cry on my shoulder and then…BAM! She’s all mine.

BRAD

How many times have you done this?

BOB

This is my third one. I had the last guy say he was a puppet maker! I think three’s a charm. Alice walks up behind them.

ALICE

Hey Bob, what are you doing here?

BOB

Uhh, checking on you. Wanted to make sure everything was okay.

ALICE

Don’t bullshit me Bob. I heard you.

BRAD

Hey, listen; you should be flattered. He talks about you all the time.

BOB

Yeah. And you have to admit, I must really care about you to go through so much trouble.

ALICE

Awww, you’re right. That’s so sweet. But you know what my Grandmother used to say?

BOB & BRAD

What?

ALICE

If two dicks try to fuck with a bitch with a big bag… She picks up her handbag and knocks them both flat on their faces.

ALICE

THAT’S THE WAY IT GOES!!

Blackout

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