GRAVITROPY

Directed by Melissa Haines

With Eden Neuendorf and Anika Solveig

Scene 1

(Micki and Sandra, acting students, rehearse as astronauts. Micki refers to a script on an index card, keeping it hidden at first.)

MICKI

Doctor Sandra, come in. Sandy babe, do you read me? I have a sexy voice and I can say anything and you’ll feel like you’re standing on a beach in Thailand rather than buying Budweiser on your phone…Wha? I’m not gonna butt crumb, Irena.

IRENA

Micki, you have to say “Yes, and…” That’s the number one rule of improv class.

MICKI

Yes, and that’s why this is foobar. We can’t use a script, duh, it’s improv.

IRENA

Keep reading. It gets better. So I say, “Captain George, stop being charming and focus on the Mission.”

MICKI

You have it memorized?

IRENA

Of course I’m off book. It’s scene night. How else do I make it look like improv? Here, tape it to your arm.

MICKI

Are you joking? The gapers will see. Let’s improvise, baby. We’re on next. Come on, ride this swell. Hell, let’s even do a different movie.

IRENA

No! We’re doing “Gravity in 60 Seconds.” That’s what we told Mister Haines. This isn’t “Freestyle Life With Micki The Surfer Chick,” this is a freaking class!

MICKI

So, we’ll just shout “Scene change!” and do whatever we want. I just watched Die Hard. The first one. That was good motherfucking holiday viewing, yippee cayay.

IRENA

You’re George Clooney and I’m Sandra Bullock. That we agreed on. You can’t go making these basic changes. Here just let me do this. No one will see.

MICKI

Come on, tape me up. Get kinky, baby. Do whatever you need to work out your backstage issues. Thank you.

IRENA

No, thank you. Can you read that?

MICKI

“Let’s do some cool space shit together. Sandra talks. Oops miscalculated.” What? That makes no sense.

IRENA

I’m Sandra. You have only George’s lines. That way I could fit the whole script on there and you can still see it. Come on, let’s rehearse. I’ll start. “Gravity in Sixty Seconds!” Now, you’re talking…

MICKI

Here in outer space I am floating in my space suit with Sandra Bullock astronaut chick and it’s all chill andI’m hitting on you and we just you know some cray cray space tsunami is about to wreck this orbital luau-
IRENA

W-T-F? You’re gonna take like sixty seconds to get to the first explosion! You’re not even in character,you’re just giving like a TV Guide on weed description of the movie. Stick to the script, seriously. Here,let’s start there, at the impact. “Oooo-oooo-oooh! Whoaaaaaah! Hello? Houston? Anyone?” Ok, come on, you have the next line.

MICKI

What’s this, “Lie face down?” That’s in the movie?

IRENA

We do that when they’re going to the I.S.S.

MICKI

They got audited? Fuck, I don’t remember that part. I must have been out smoking a doob.

IRENA

Ok, let’s take it from there.

(Irena lies face down on the floor.)

MICKI

You don’t look like you’re falling through space. This is falling through space.

IRENA

Whatever. So I say, “Yeah boy, you saved my ass, here we go.” Now it’s your line.

MICKI

That’s ok, I get it.

IRENA

Say it.

MICKI

No. I get it. You’re a control freak. Maybe you’re O.C.C. Did your therapist tell you to take this class?

IRENA

It’s O.C.D., butthead. Say the line. Right there.

MICKI

“3D all in sexy voice hot space.” There, are you happy? See. That’s how to control a control freak. Do as they say, completely wrong. Then they do it themselves, and you’re surfing on a Tuesday, like this class.

IRENA

Dude, you’re surfing in radiation from Fukushima.

MICKI

I know.

IRENA

You know?

MICKI

Yeah, we all know. What can you do? We’re all going to die from something. It just kinda sucks that humanbeings can’t be bothered to live sustainably.

IRENA

I buy organic. Mostly. I mean, GMOs. And I recycle.

MICKI

Fuck recycling! Fuck your Prius! I’m talking being the change you want to see in the world. Ghandi style. I’m talking about a water bottle and sneakers.

IRENA

I don’t have a car either. Tickets and oil wars and CO2. But there’s only so much one person can do.

MICKI

Yes, the overwhelming cataclysmic shitstorm of our times is systemic, but we can do better than run around clucking over the new Pottery Barn catalog.

IRENA

Pottery Barn? Even your earnestness is out of style.

MICKI

Did you hear that applause? We’re on.

IRENA

But, I need to go to the bathroom first.

MICKI

There’s no time for that. Haines is waving us on.

IRENA

I must have eaten something funny. Seriously. This is an issue. I need to go.

MICKI

Irena, you are not going to bail on me.

IRENA

Yes I am! Stop! Wait! Give me your script.

MICKI

It’s show time.

IRENA

Please? Please? No…I can’t…

(Micki drags Irena off stage and back on.)

MICKI

You start. What’s the line? Entropy, no. Gravity!

IRENA

Yes and sixty seconds.

MICKI

Yes, and, Sandra Bullock.

IRENA

Yes, and Monster Garage.

MICKI

Yes and… Doctor Sandra, come in. I have a sexy voice and it’s like you’re having a Bud in Thailand on your phone.

IRENA

Yes and Captain, Micki…whoops George, the mission has, uh, lost focus. Use the force, Luke. I mean, uh…

(reads card taped to her wrist)

MICKI

Come in Mission Control. Houston, do you copy? Uh guys, you are fucked. Here comes something that will wreak havoc, starting with radio contact with earth. Oh no! It’s here, Doctor Sandra! Get to the ship!

IRENA

What’s happening? I’m totally lost.

(as Mission Control)

(as George)

(Micki pulls Irena face down, reading the script.)

MICKI

Hey Sandy babe, saved your fine sporty forty ass, let’s do some cool space shit together. Like go to the I.S.S.

IRENA

Yes and, boing, boing! The big space slingshot thing!

MICKI

But then I gotta go, Sandy babe. Houston in the blind, she’s on her own.

IRENA

Oh no. I mean, yes, and…FOR HERE AM I FLOATING IN MY TIN CAN FAR ABOVE THE Ground PLANET EARTH IS Round AND THERE’S Buh-buh-da-da-na-na-na THIS IS GROUND CONTROL TO doo-doo-doo…

MICKI

All in 3D! With my sexy voice.

IRENA

Yes, and me in my underwear.

MICKI

It’s hot in space.

IRENA

But it’s even hotter here, so take a step against global warming, and stand up for nature. Put your feet on the ground to get around, like me.

MICKI

Welcome back to Earth, Sandy babe.

MICKI AND IRENA

Gravitropy! Yes and, that’s the way it goes.

(sings, to “Major Tom” by David Bowie)

(The End.)

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