daniel.heath@gmail.com

Directed by Jon Wai-keung Lowe

With Rinabeth Apostol and Melissa Ortiz

THE NATURE OF THINGS

BRIGIT – A woman in her 20s or early 30s.

IOWA – A woman in her 20s or early 30s.

BRIGIT is trying to get a cat out of a tree. IOWA is lying face down on the ground.

BRIGIT

C’mere Bandit. Kitty! Kitty. Kitty-Bandit… cat.

IOWA

I think it is time for you to accept that he does not want to come out of the tree.

BRIGIT

He’s just scared.

IOWA

He’s not scared. He hates you.

BRIGIT

What am I supposed to do here?

IOWA

I am not sure what you should do about the cat, but I do happen to know that at  this very moment your friend needs a ride to the store.

BRIGIT

Drive yourself.

IOWA

I am moderately impaired. At present.

BRIGIT

You have to help me. I don’t understand cats.

IOWA

No one does.

BRIGIT

Why do they climb trees?

IOWA

Why does anybody?

BRIGIT

I am not needing philosophy right now so much as actual real advice.

IOWA

I think the first question you have to ask yourself is why the cat went into the tree in the first place.

BRIGIT

I have no idea.

IOWA

Because he hates you.

BRIGIT

He does not.

IOWA

You were trying to make him go inside.

BRIGIT

He’s supposed to be inside! He knows he’s supposed to be inside! My mom never lets him out!

IOWA

And in that moment he was free and you were trying to take away his freedom.

BRIGIT

How long is he going to stay up there?

IOWA

How long ’til your mom gets home?

BRIGIT

Two weeks.

IOWA

He might stay up there two weeks.

BRIGIT

He’d die.

IOWA

He might do that.

BRIGIT

My mom is never going to speak to me again.

IOWA

I thought she didn’t really speak to you anyway.

BRIGIT

I was trying to make a gesture. That’s why I was taking care of… him.

IOWA

You just have to think of the sun in, like, a billion years turning into a nova or whatever and destroying the whole planet.

BRIGIT

That is not comforting to me.

IOWA

What I mean is that all this stuff we build up, like moms, and trying to make a  gesture, and cats, are all pretty much against the order of the universe which is, as we speak, working out its issues and trying to find it’s neutral space.

BRIGIT

I am aware that the universe does not give a fuck, thank you.

IOWA

Which means that what matters to us are things that are relevant to our well-being, like our friends, who would like some corn nuts and maybe a coconut water, but who currently cannot get to the store without our help.

BRIGIT

I have no skills in life.

IOWA

That is empirically not true. You have had like five hand modeling gigs this year.

BRIGIT

So I have nice hands.

IOWA

Don’t disrespect the business. Look at me. I live out of my car and draw imaginary insects on napkins to sell to tourists.

BRIGIT

My mother wishes I was more like my brother.

IOWA

Your mother just doesn’t like females. Herself most of all. Let me show you how this is done.

IOWA climbs up to reach for the cat.

BRIGIT

Be careful.

IOWA

Come here, you little fucker.

IOWA gets scratched by the cat. She comes back down.

BRIGIT

Oh God.

IOWA

See, now that cat just fuckin’ hates people.

BRIGIT

We better wash that.

IOWA

It’s fine.

BRIGIT

It’s going to get infected.

IOWA

I’ve been scratched by cats like a hundred billion times. My skin is like 30% cat-claw bacteria at this point in my life.

BRIGIT

I’ll go get some antibiotic ointment.

IOWA

Stop. Listen. This is just how it goes–you and that cat and your mom. The normal state of being is that things don’t give a fuck about each other. We are headed toward heat death at the end of time, when everything will be one temperature and not even atoms are interested in each other anymore. You need to chill out your negative emotions because the universe is canceling all that shit out in the end, so you may as well choose to turn your attention to your friends, who will reward you with salty snacks if you take them to the store, and not fight battles for the hearts of people who don’t have what it takes to love you back.

BRIGIT

What about the cat?

IOWA

It’s not your fault his life turned out the way it did. If he chooses to blame you, then that’s on him, not you.

BRIGIT

And if he never comes down?

IOWA

You can only meet a person halfway. If they want to stay in the tree anyway, fuck’em.

BRIGIT

(To the cat.) I did my best.

IOWA

He’s a cat. He doesn’t understand it when you talk.

BRIGIT

Which store?

IOWA

Anything with food.

BRIGIT

Come on.

END OF PLAY.

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