FREDRICKSON is an IT guy at a men’s magazine.

DON THOMAS is the president and C.E.O. of this magazine.

URINAL is a urinal.

[FREDRICKSON enters, pauses, goes to a urinal stage left-center facing the audience.  There are two urinals to his right.  DON THOMAS enters with a Bluetooth.]

DON THOMAS

Stop right there.  Just take it out, but don’t touch it.  I know you usually handle it, but I’ve got it this time.  Just leave it there.  I know you want to touch it.  Do not touch it.  Now.  Listen.  Where do you want it?  Don’t.  Leave. It. Alone.  [FREDRICKSON looks to DON THOMAS, who hangs up phone in ear.]  What?  We’re making a roast tonight, need the wife to take it out of the freezer.  She usually bastes it and puts it up, but it’s always too tough so I’m doing it this time.  It takes a tough man to make a tender roast, am I right?  Fredrickson?  Am I right?

FREDRICKSON

Yes sir, you’re right.

DON THOMAS

Whaddya think of this month’s cover?  Hot right?

FREDRICKSON

The front cover?

DON THOMAS

Yes the front cover.  Who ever talks about the back cover of a magazine?  She’s super-hot, am I right?

FREDRICKSON

She’s… uh…

DON THOMAS

It should fly off the rack, kinda like that dress she’s wearing, hiyo!

FREDRICKSON

Yeah, she looks a little… uncomfortable.

DON THOMAS

Listen, I’m holding my dick, you’re holding your dick, while we’re both here, holding our dicks, I figured we could talk about women.  As editor in chief, people are always talking about how objectifying I am when it comes to women.  And I agree with them: I’m not biased at all!

FREDRICKSON

That’s not what that means –

DON THOMAS

Meaning is what you make of it, friend, and I’m making money.  I know what men fantasize about, and I give it to them.  The right way, of course.

URINAL

OK this is ridiculous.  [Springs up.]  Stop it.  Just leave him alone.  He just – he’s just trying to go to the bathroom.  He doesn’t – I don’t want to speak for you – he doesn’t want to talk about anything, let alone women, while he’s doing this.  Yeah, I get it, it’s sort of odd that every day you take out your dick in a room full of strangers.  And you hold it, and you shake it, and then you put it back in your pants like nothing happened.  It’s weird enough as it is; you don’t have to make it weirder by degrading women.  And trying to bond over it.  I see a lot of dicks.  I mean, a lot.  String ‘em all together and they’d wrap around the world.  But you, my friend, are your own kind of special kind of dick.  [DON THOMAS starts to thank him, realizes it wasn’t a compliment.]  Do you really think you know what men fantasize about?

FREDRICKSON

Whoa.

DON THOMAS

Who are you, son?

URINAL

I’m the thing that separates you from miles and miles of sewage.  I’m the difference between a sanitary workplace and marking your territory every few hours.

DON THOMAS

The urinal raises some interesting points.  Do you also work for me?

URINAL

No, we’re independent contractors hired by the facilities management firm.

DON THOMAS

Well you’re doing a bang-up job.  Top-notch drainage, sensitive auto-flush –

URINAL

You don’t even know if he likes women.

DON THOMAS

Are you saying he may be… a misogynist?

FREDRICKSON URINAL

I’m just gonna – Jesus Christ.

DON THOMAS

OF course he likes women!  Likes ‘em well enough, I’m sure.  Or he prefers men.  Doesn’t matter to me, not one bit.  A lot of my friends are black.  Or women, or gay or Muslim or whatever.  But there’s something for him in the magazine, you can rest assured.  He’s a simple man, a kind man, wires computers together all day. He doesn’t have any wild fantasies.  He could use a little stimulation, thought I’d help him plug in, or whatever you tech guys say.

FREDRICKSON

I’m just gonna get back to work now, if that’s ok.

URINAL

You’re just gonna let him piss all over you like that?

FREDRICKSON

It’s not that.

URINAL

What is it, then?

FREDRICKSON

He’s not a bad guy.  He’s just trying to… it’s really hard… look, I try to be a nice guy.  I try to be respectful.  I do like pictures of beautiful women.  But I don’t know what to say about them.

DON THOMAS

It’s very simple, Fredrickson.  You can say things like “look at those tits” or “check her out” or… “wow, check out her tits!”

FREDRICKSON

No, it’s – those pictures are… they’re someone else’s fantasy of what my fantasy should be.  My fantasies are… private.

DON THOMAS

My fantasies about women are private too.  Like my privates in their privates, hiyoooooo.  They only have so many parts, Fredrickson.

FREDRICKSON

No, it’s…

DON THOMAS

It’s what, Fredrickson?

URINAL

Don’t listen to him.  Nothing to be ashamed of, man. You can talk to us.

DON THOMAS

Yeah, if you can beat this week’s cover, I’d like to hear it. Is she not pretty enough for you?

FREDRICKSON

It’s nothing like that.  It’s… ok… when I connect someone’s computer, or when I’m building out the network, connecting the Ethernet cables from machine to machine, I pretend that they’re nerves.  Like, a nerve running from a woman’s shin to her brain, connecting skin to the pleasure centers.  Then another cable from the bridge of her foot.  Another from her left hip, another from her right hip.  One that crosses from her left thigh to her stomach to her right breast, another from her right thigh.  And then, when I’m with a woman – I mean, it’s been a while, but – I try to remember how I wired her.  And, you know, people are different, so sometimes it takes a while to figure it out.  But when she reacts to my touch, when I see her actual nerves send the message of me, of my skin up to her brain and she gets short of breath – it’s like I see myself traveling up those nerves, through the paths that I’d created.  And we’re the perfect system: secure, exchanging information about our bodies instantly and without interference. That’s what I fantasize about.  Not some airbrushed woman on a billboard or a magazine cover. My last girlfriend touched me like she wired me herself. 

URINAL

Pour it on, man!  See what I mean?

DON THOMAS

Sure, yes, right-o, that’s beautiful, congratulations.  But you don’t get it.  I’ve got to play to a mass audience.  Try putting wires on the cover of a magazine, see how much it sells.  [gets call on Bluetooth]  Hello, Gladys?  I’ve got to take this, boys.    But let me tell you: I’ve got stories that’ll – Yes HOLD ON Gladys, I’m on my way.  [draws breath to speak, but leaves instead.]

FREDRICKSON

Wow, it felt great to get that out.  I mean, I’ve never told anyone about that.  What a relief.

URINAL

Yeah, I get that a lot from people.

FREDRICKSON

Sorry.

URINAL

No, that’s why I’m here, man. 

FREDRICKSON

I really appreciate it.  [THEY go to hug… but don’t.  FREDRICKSON starts to exit.]

URINAL

Hey man.  [FREDRICKSON stops.]  There’s something else on your mind, I can tell.

FREDRICKSON

Well, it’s nothing…

URINAL

I’m here if you want to spill it.

FREDRICKSON

OK OK.  Yeah, right?  I’ve just never felt comfortable talking to anyone about this, you know?  You know Becky, from marketing…?

URINAL

I don’t meet a lot of the women who work here.

FREDRICKSON

Right, right.  So a bunch of us went out for drinks the other night, and I get to talking with her… A few drinks and we’re talking about… something, something unrelated to anything, and she tells me that she has this new habit.  How all of a sudden a few months ago she was cleaning out her ears, and she felt something.  Nothing sexual, just some kind of, like, complete satisfaction.  And she started doing it all the time, needing to do it, like some sort of compulsion.  So strong that she has to limit herself to doing it once a day.  But it’s still a strong urge, right?  So every day she anticipates the moment when she can finally get this Q-tip in her ear.  It builds up all day, then as she gets closer to the bathroom it crests and she can hardly stand it.  I can’t help but picture it, Becky getting home, calmly walking to the bathroom, pretending it‘s not a big deal, reaching for the medicine cabinet, needing that release. 

So she’s telling me this, and suddenly this image comes into my head.  It’s Becky, on her back on a bed, with that Q-tip in her left hand.  And I’m on top of her, with my right forearm pinning her arm to the bed.  She’s in the same shirt she’s wearing right as she’s sitting across from me.  And all she wants in the world is to get that Q-tip in her ear.  But it’s entirely up to me whether she can.  “Can I do it now?”  “No, be patient.”  “Now?”  “No.  Kiss me first.  Not like that.”  And I just graze her lower lip with mine.  “Can I do it now?”  “No, and if you ask again I’t’ll just be longer.”  And she can’t fucking stand it.  Until finally…

I mean, it’s all I can think about.  We were in the same meeting the other day and I couldn’t look her in the eye.

URINAL

You’re safe in here, man.  People are into all kinds of different things.  Nothing wrong with having a vivid imagination. 

FREDRICKSON

Yeah, I guess not, right?

URINAL

No sir.

FREDRICKSON

What about you?

URINAL

Me?

FREDRICKSON

Yeah.  I mean, what sort of things do you fantasize about?

URINAL

Oh, uh… nothing too crazy. 

FREDRICKSON

There must be something. 

URINAL

Well… there was one thing I used to do a lot before… before I wound up here.  Have you heard of the hearty farmer?

FREDRICKSON

No. 

URINAL

Well, it’s not for everybody, but I highly recommend it.  So first you find a woman who’s lactating, and the two of you have anal sex, with her pumping breast milk the whole time.  Right before you come, you pull out, ejaculate into the breast milk, and stir it with your shit-covered dick.  Then you pour it into two shot glasses, sláinte, down it goes.  Pretty standard, really.

[Silence.  Toilet flushes, and EXTRA ACTOR leaves a stall, washes his hands and leaves.  Silence may last a while.]

FREDRICKSON

Thanks for trusting me with that, man. 

URINAL

Yeah, feels good to share, thanks for listening.

FREDRICKSON

I’ll… uh… try to drink a lot of water, so I can come back and visit. 

URINAL

Cool, you know, you can also come by if you want to cry, freshen up, or just take a break.  And you can always go masturbate in there.  [points to stall.]

STALL

[offstage]  Hey FUCK YOU man, after all the shit I’ve been through.

URINAL

Sorry stall.  [FREDRICKSON starts to exit.  DON THOMAS enters.]

DON THOMAS

Gentlemen, I want to tell you something.  I was looking at the proofs for next week’s cover, and boy is the model foxy.  But you know… when I think of women… listen: the night I met my wife, long before we ever kissed, I went to hug her goodbye.  It was summer, she was wearing some paper thin shirt and my left hand just landed right on this mole, just off of her spine.  That feeling – the mole through her shirt – that’s what stayed with me until I saw her again.

A few years ago, the mole started to grow, change color.  Wasn’t too bad, but the doctor thought it would be safest to burn it off.  So she did.  Every time I hug her my hand goes to that same spot, and we look at other and smile.  She knows I miss it.  Boys, I can tell you this: I wouldn’t trade that empty space where the mole was for all the women on all the magazine covers in the world. 

We weren’t arguing on the phone.  We were just flirting in our own way.  My wife makes the best pot roast in the world.  To be honest, I’ve never made it in my life.  It’s just a game we play. 

I may have underestimated the men of the world.

URINAL

You may have underestimated yourself.

DON THOMAS

I certainly underestimated him.

FREDRICKSON

OK.  I’ve got a flash drive to restore.

DON THOMAS

Take the rest of the day off, Fredrickson.  I’m going to go home and chop some vegetables.  And by that I mean fuck my wife.  We just had our third son and she’s sexy as ever.

FREDRICKSON

Oh, congratulations.   

URINAL

Is she breast feeding?

DON THOMAS

Well, yes, why do you ask?

URINAL

Well have I got a suggestion for YOU…

[As URINAL starts to explain, BLACKOUT.]

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