Big Brother Jesus
by
William Bivins
SHOTZ!
(Orwellian Consumer-mas)
wbivins@sbcglobal.net
415-310-6744

Directed by: Christian Haines

Featuring: Tim Meehan, Aeron Macintyre and Nicole Slovinec

Phil and Bernice in their living room. They are casually
dressed.
PHIL
What do you mean you didn’t get the pot holder?
BERNICE
I didn’t get the pot holder.
PHIL
It was on sale.
BERNICE
It’s ugly. I don’t want it in my kitchen.
PHIL
Do you realize what you’ve done? Tomorrow is Christmas. There’s no time to make our
quota.
BERNICE
To hell with the quota. I’m sick of the quota.
PHIL
Shhhh! They might hear you.
BERNICE
I’m sick of the season. Sick of all the goddamn stuff.
(Knock on door.)
PHIL
My God, that’s them!
BERNICE
Grow a pair, will you.

(She opens the door.)

A middle-aged man, crisply dressed
in a business suit and carrying a briefcase, enters. He is
friendly and cheerful. He is St. Paul The Redeemer.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Greetings, beloved consumers. I am St. Paul The Redeemer.
Phil bows deeply and kisses St. Paul’s hand.There, there, my good man. No need to stand on ceremony. I am here on routine business on behalf of the Government Company. Tomorrow is Christmas and our records show you
have not met your holiday consumption quota.
PHIL
I told you we’d get in trouble!
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
No one is in trouble. I am here in the name of Jesus the Merciful. As you know, Jesus
forgives his customers… and he does so with a smile.
BERNICE
I’m curious: what happens if we don’t make our quota?
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Oh, but you will make your quota!
(He opens his briefcase.)
I happen to have a number of items on sale.
(Removes items one-by-one.)
Spatula, cutting board, corkscrew, martini glass, reading glasses.
BERNICE
You’re not answering my question.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
They are all twenty percent off, but for you I’ll knock off an extra ten percent.
BERNICE
I don’t want any of your crap.
PHIL
Forgive my wife, St. Paul.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
It’s St. Paul The Redeemer. I have more crap out in the car.
BERNICE
I don’t want to buy anything at all.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Last month you purchased a microwave oven. Our algorithms show people who purchased
a microwave oven might also be interested in–
BERNICE
You don’t get it! I am refusing to enter into in a transaction with you. Period! No goods,
no services. Nothing!
PHIL
Are you insane talking to a saint like that?
BERNICE
I’m not insane! I’m sick and tired of the Government Company monitoring all my
purchases. Watching every move I make. Breathing down my neck and pressuring me to
buy this olive oil or that duck decoy paperweight. Our closets are filled with junk! The
garage is overflowing. The guest room has been turned into storage. All in the name of
some smiling, benevolent messiah.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Careful you don’t blaspheme.
BERNICE
Or what?
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
You don’t want to know.
BERNICE
Yes, I do!
PHIL
Sweetie, I think you’re tired. You should go lie down.
BERNICE
I do not want to lie down! Christmas is not about stuff!
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Actually, Christmas is about stuff.
(He turns and addresses audience.)
There lay the baby Jesus in the manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes amid the lowly
beasts. The manger was a dark, dank, and smelly place, and Mary and Joseph were sad
because they had nothing and therefore were homeless. But, lo, a star appeared overhead.
Far far away three kings beheld the star and somehow knew the messiah was born.
So they travelled to Bethlehem to see for themselves. Did they come empty-handed? No!
They offered precious metals and fragrances. In other words, consumer goods and durable
goods. Stuff. Swag. Bootie. And Mary and Joseph rejoiced and thanked the Lord. So, you
see: Christmas is about stuff.
PHIL
Yeah, darling. Let’s buy something from this man so he can be on his way.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Tell you what. I’ll give you this coupon, redeemable for any item in my case.
(He hands Phil a coupon.)
PHIL
Thank you, St. Paul The Redeemer. I’ll take the spatula.
Phil starts to hand the coupon back to St. Paul, but Bernice
snatches it away.
BERNICE
No you don’t!
PHIL
Are you crazy, Bernice?! It’s free! Freeee!
BERNICE
I want this man to tell me what will happen to us if we don’t meet our quota.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Jesus is merciful.
BERNICE
So he’ll forgive us?
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
I didn’t say that.
BERNICE
You don’t want to tell me because it goes against your corporate image.
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Watch where you’re going there.
(Phil takes out money, desperately tosses it at St. Paul.)
PHIL
The martini glass! I’ll buy the martini glass!
BERNICE
I don’t buy the whole benevolent schtick. Those TV ads where Jesus is walking on water
talking about flood insurance? Doesn’t he cause floods?
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
Jesus is compassionate.
BERNICE
Jesus is creepy. He’s not the loving God of the New Testament! He’s a high-tech,
omniscient government dictator!
ST. PAUL THE REDEEMER
That’s it. I tried to warn you.
(Takes out a cell phone, dials.)
Yeah, it’s me. I’ve got two here for eternal damnation.
PHIL
My God, Bernice! What have you done?!
BERNICE
At least now we won’t have to deal with all the clutter.
END OF PLAY

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