(Based on Charles Dickens’ Christmas Carol)

Directed by Jenna Welch

Featuring: Jennifer Leblanc and Sally Dana

(Evanya in bed. Marley, wrapped in chains of receipt paper, begins howling.)

EVANYA

Who the hell are you?! I will mace the living shit out of you!

MARLEY

Jesus Christ! Nice to see you, too, Eve.

EVANYA

Mar! Oh my God, I’m hallucinating. Did someone roofie my cocktail?

MARLEY

No one roofied your cocktail.

EVANYA

Mar, you’re dead- botched rhinoplasty. Dead.

MARLEY

As the proverbial doornail. Yes.

EVANYA

No. I refuse to have a ham-fisted didactic nightmare caused by an undigested deviled egg eaten at holiday office party. Fuck you. I’m taking a Xanax. G’night.

MARLEY

Too late. I’m here, and you’re out of Xanax. On with the heartwarming mission. I have 5 minutes to change your wicked ways-

EVANYA

5 minutes?! You have all night, Christmas Eve to-

MARLEY

Dickens had all night. It’s 2013. Tick tock.

EVANYA

Wicked ways? Don’t Scrooge me. I give presents! I make with the merry.

MARLEY

Sure. You give presents. Your assistant, Derek, scours Amazon Wish Lists late on Xmas Eve, finds a gift in the right price range, he clicks “ship,” and poof, Ms. Evanya Beneezer is Merry ol’ St. Nick.

EVANYA

And it’s awesome! Everybody gets what they want. Aren’t those supposed to be chains?

MARLEY

They are! Receipts! Credit Card Debt! The chains that bound me. Each link was some damned i-gadget, the mindless distraction to numb me from feeling!

EVANYA

Quit your bitching, there’s nothing wrong with technology, and you were the best business partner-

MARLEY

BUSINESS?! MANKIND was my BUSINESS!

EVANYA

Okay, if I give more charitably next year, can I go back to sleep? I’ll text the Red Cross or…

MARLEY

Take my hand, we’re doing the past thingy now.

EVANYA

Wait, what? No, I get a new ghost for that.

MARLEY

Nope, just me. Downsizing, cutbacks, you know…

EVANYA

The economy affects the spirit world?

MARLEY

Hold on. (They do a silly fly motion and land) Look.

EVANYA

That’s me! Is that Tony? Look at how much hair he had! Is this the Christmas he proposed? Thanks. You want to rub some salt in that gaping wound?

MARLEY

But how did he propose? Watch.

EVANYA

The usual way, with a ring.

MARLEY

You would remember the object. Look what he’s doing.

EVANYA

He’s just cooking. Terribly. Hours of work for that bland gelatonous inedible-

MARLEY

And he wrote that awful poem, the rhyme scheme-

EVANYA

Hey! That was sweet. I mean, what rhymes with Evanya? But he never grew up. He kept playing in that crappy band.

MARLEY

What a waste of time.

EVANYA

If he’d spent that time at work, he’d be a VP by now.

MARLEY

Like you? You’re right. Look how happy you’ve become.

EVANYA

Point made, oh pixie of light and mirth.

MARLEY

Alright, let’s zoom into the present. The malls.

EVANYA

Please don’t make me. The clouds of perfume, the epic lines. Why do you think I make Derek shop for me?

MARLEY

We’re being patriotic Americans and going to the mall. (Goofy flight, land)

EVANYA

You see? Packed and miserable.

MARLEY

Endless aisles of the same objects. These credit card receipts were for things I didn’t even own anymore when I kicked it. Just stuff. Let’s cross the street.

EVANYA

There isn’t anything across the street.

MARLEY

Yeah, there is.

EVANYA

You mean behind the abandoned warehouse?

MARLEY

No, dipshit. In the abandoned warehouse.

EVANYA

There’s no way you’re allowed to call me, dipshit.

MARLEY

I have 5 minutes to make my point, dipshit.

EVANYA

I’m spending my Christmas Eve with a hostile apparition, wading through homeless people, who are in a regretable situation, but not one that I can fix-
MARLEY

Do you hear yourself? Just go ahead and say, “Are

there no workhouses?”

EVANYA

I’m sorry, but I’m not Mother Theresa, okay? I’m not

responsible for their drug addiction. I’m so sick of

bleeding hearts guilt tripping me because I dare to be

a successful woman. Fuck you, I’ve worked hard for

what I’ve earned. And I’m risking my life to walk past

these people to go into a freezing warehouse for what?

MARLEY

No one blames you for being successful. Look.

EVANYA

It’s a crappy art show in a crappy building.

MARLEY

Look.

EVANYA

Okay, well, there are like ten people here and they’re

all hipsters. Oh, ha, okay, that’s clever. That

t-shirt’s actually funny. Derek would totally wear

that. Excuse me, how much is this t-shirt? Miss?

MARLEY

She can’t hear you, dipshit.

EVANYA

Please stop calling me “dipshit.” How much is the

t-shirt, Marley?

MARLEY

Fifteen bucks.

EVANYA

$15?! I can get a t-shirt at Forever 21 for $4.99.

MARLEY

Please follow that dipshit train of thought. Would it

have the cool handmade ironic design that Derek would

love? What are Forever 21’s sweatshop practices that

they can sell a shirt for $4.99?

EVANYA

I guess this artist had to buy the shirt, silk-screen

it- there’s cost of the ink… her time. There’s no

way she’s making a profit. She’s selling at a loss.

MARLEY

Go on, dipshit.

EVANYA

But look how happy she is! She’s probably in college,

bless her hipster little heart. Her parents are

probably urging her to get an MBA. But she’s doing

what she loves! This 15 bucks is going straight into

her rent, or Top Ramen fund. And sweet Derek is

working late on Xmas Eve with a sick kid at home- and

his partner makes no money, he’s a school teacher.

MARLEY

Keep going, the chains are breakin’!

EVANYA

And look at everyone around me. They’re spending time

with eachother, talking! It’s TIME! Not the

cost. It’s the time spent making it, or picking

it. The thought that went into the gift. Time, the

most valuable thing we can give!

MARLEY

Yes! Time and Consideration! And it’s

Free! Freeeee! Okay, I’m out. (deadpan) Falalalala.

EVANYA

Wait! What about the future? You suck at ghosting.

MARLEY

You don’t want to see it. Christmas starts 2 weeks

before Halloween, everyone plugs into individual

terminals. Cages on their heads with bows, muzak

carols, and pine scented sensory cubes. Double plus

ungood. It’s up to you to save the day with your trite

wisdom. Bring it home, dipshit.

Marley exits.

EVANYA

I will keep Christmas in my heart! I’ll make hand-made gifts. They’ll be crappy but people will pretend to
love them for a second and then we’ll spend an hour laughing at my lame effort. An hour spent together in mutual mockery. And I’ll buy museum memberships, theatre subscriptions, and concert tickets- I will give the gift of memories! And I’ll support artists- even hipsters! (She pulls out her phone) Derek, why are you still at work? Go home! Get your ass home and be with your husband and your son! How is he? Go celebrate your first Christmas as legally married Daddies. See you on Monday. You heard me, Monday. How can you be at work on Friday if you’ll be lounging with your family in pajamas? Oh, what size t-shirt do you wear? K, bye. (She hangs up) I’m an agnostic, but if you’re out there, buddy, God bless us, everyone!

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