Directed by: Jon Wai-keung Lowe

Featuring: Andre Abrahamians, Carmen Yvette and Christian Haines

(Mr. Frost, bundled up for the cold, takes off hisshoes and waits for George, a TSA agent, to call him through the metal detector.)

FROST

Hi there. Happy holidays.

GEORGE

Happy holidays, Mister Frost! Heading home early I see?

FROST

Yeah, I’ve got some sick days I didn’t use. I never catch a cold.

GEORGE

Now, it is my job to inform you this is North Pole International and we have rules and those rules are right here on this sign, plain as day for everyone-

(Rudy, a businesswoman in bright red pantyhose, enters and barges in front of Frost.)

RUDY

Excuse me, where is the priority access line?

FROST

Uh, hello. You’re cutting.

GEORGE

Just a minute! Just a minute! Now hold on. Hold on. What is this commotion?

RUDY

I have my Pole Plus Privileges card right here.

FROST

If you don’t want this to take all day, I’d just wait right behind me.

RUDY

Ridiculous! I’m Rudy Rednose, I get priority access.

GEORGE

Rudy! Why hello. Don’t you know me, George Bailey? Your old pal? Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

RUDY

See? Watch me skip the line, sucker.

FROST

I wouldn’t go there if I was you. George is kind of a stickler about the rules.

RUDY

And I made the rules. That’s why I can just go through like this-

(George blocks Rudy.)

GEORGE

A toast to my friend Rudy, the richest deer in town. We’re short staffed, budget cuts, so there’s no priority access line tonight but if we all work together, we can do this. Now, Mister Frost was next.

FROST

Ms. Rednose, you’re going to have to sweat it out with the rest of us. Do you have a ziplock I could borrow?

RUDY

I paid for first class, I should get priority. I can’t wait in line with…you.

FROST

I feel ya, sister. I’ve got these snowballs for my little ones, and they’re melting. Where are you going?

RUDY

China. The new iGizmo must launch or there will be a lot of disappointed stockholders on Christmas morning.

FROST

Why don’t you just trot outside and fly yourself? It would save on global warming.

RUDY

Global warming is scare mongering speculation. Besides, it won’t get that bad in my lifetime, and the drinks are better in first class. Now, tell George here to let me go before you.

FROST

I was here first. Why should I let you cut me?

RUDY

I’m a born leader. I was recruited from school by the CEO to front an elite team at a global enterprise. I receive celebrity treatment everywhere I go. The poor deserve to suffer, they haven’t worked hard to achieve what I have. Get out of my way!

GEORGE

Right this way, Ms. Rednose. You’ve been randomly selected for an enhanced security search.

RUDY

Outrageous! Do I look like a terrorist?

FROST

Well, everything depends on your perspective.

RUDY

But George, you know me! We’re old chums. Hee-haw.

GEORGE

That’s right, and after the bailouts, your bank snapped up my building and loan, and the only employment I could find was working for the Department of Homeland Security. Now, why, old George here is just following regulations. Spread your legs and raise your arms.

RUDY

How dare you!

FROST

Please! Just do as he says, it ain’t getting any colder in here.

RUDY

He’s the one you should be after. He’s got contraband under that scarf! He showed me himself!

(George zip ties Rudy’s hands.)

GEORGE

So you are admitting to seeing a threat and notreporting it? Why, that’s punishable by incarceration-

RUDY

You idiot! He’s the terrorist! Get him, not me!

GEORGE

Now, Mister Frost, why, what do you have that Ms. Rednose here saw?

FROST

Just some gifts for the kids, these snowballs. They love ’em, make little igloos and play for hours.

GEORGE

Snowballs? Now, are those on this sign?

RUDY

Right there! It says liquids over four ounces!

GEORGE

That’s right, we can’t let these snowballs melt! Mister Frost, you’re a first class citizen at my TSA cheerpoint. Now, Ms. Rednose, take off your shoes and I’ll be back to complete my inspection.

(George forces Rudy to sit. She can’t get her shoes off with her hands zip tied.)

RUDY

I can’t believe you are a government employee. It’s people like you that are ruining this country, letting that beggar with his homemade gifts go romping around while you tie my hands, forcing industry to outsource to get anything done. What is a snowball? That’s not a gift, it’s water. Water. An emerging business of mine, thank you very much. What do you think this country is?

FROST AND GEORGE

It’s free, it’s freeeeee!

RUDY

Not if I have anything to say about it.

(George takes off Rudy’s shoes, hides them.)

GEORGE

Let me just take your shoes here over to the X-ray and then I’ll help Mister Frost through the puffer machine and then, let’s see…well, we’ll get back to this.

RUDY

Where are you going? You can’t leave me like this!

FROST

Happy holidays, George.

GEORGE

Same to you Mister Frost. Now, I want you to travel safe with these gifts, and say hello to the missus.

FROST

Thank you.

GEORGE

Snowballs coming through! VIP here!

(George helps Frost exit and the lights dim, leaving Rudy, her panythose glowing red. George and Frost enter the audience and carol.)

FROST

YOU KNOW TARGET AND MACYS AND AMAZON PRIME

TO THINK OF NOT SHOPPING WOULD BE SUCH A CRIME

DO YOU KNOW THE TRUTH?

IS MELTING THE NORTH POLE ENOUGH PROOF?

GEORGE AND FROST

RUDY WE’VE ALL HAD ENOUGH

AND EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALL BROS

SITTING IN OUR COMFY HOMES

YOU WRAPPED UP IN PANTY HOSE

YET WE’VE ALL HAD ENOUGH

USED TO HAVE SOME REAL FREEDOM

BUT NOW WE ALL LET RICH RUDY

GIVE US MORE THAN ENOUGH DUMB

THEN ONE FOGGY FRISCO EVE

SHOTZ CAME OUT TO SAY – HOO-HOO-HOO

RUDY WITH YOUR HOSE SO BRIGHT

THERE’S A REVOLUTION TONIGHT! (TONIGHT!)

(to “Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer”)

(George and Frost exit. On stage, Rudy frees herself.)

RUDY

Idiots. They think a revolution will help? My corporation keeps the world functioning. Besides, I’m just the face of the whole thing. All I do is put a little shine on things, and they want to tie me up and take me to the guillotine! I know, I’ll hide as one of you. Who wants to help me? Come on, who wants to help Rudy Rednose, your old pal? Don’t you love gifts? I bring you gifts, how about you give me your scarf? Here ok, I’ll give you my hat. How about that? We’ll trade. Does anyone have shoes? Please? I’ll trade this Armani for some shoes and an overcoat.

(Rudy enters the audience. The end.)

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