Directed by Christian Haines

Featuring: Michael Hon, Jessica Risco and Alex Herlser
Salem stands on a chair trying to get cell reception on his smart phone. He is trying to access the web. He tries for quite awhile cursing under his breath. Junie walks in, sees what he’s doing and rushes over, grabs the phone and smashes it (or alternately throws it off stage i.e. out the window).

SALEM

What the hell did you do that for?!?! I had twenty-three seconds left! Obrien1,9,8,4 just made a bid! I was right on his heels!!

(Junie starts looking out doors, windows, whatever to see if anyone is coming.)

JUNIE

Damn it, Salem! Where did you get it?

SALEM

The hotel manager downstairs. Nice guy. He said it was untraceable. It was a 5S.

JUNIE

When the fuck are you going to get this? everything is traceable! Our organs are traceable!! Every Liver,
kidney, pancreas, duodenum, every pore of our skin! (she turns to the audience) There is no privacy. We live in a world of a trillion eyes, watching our every move. Tapping our thoughts. Plumbing our depths… and not in a good way. We have no life of our own any more.They know everything! Where we go, who we see, what we
like or don’t like. They’re with us when we eat, drink, sleep, pee, shower (back to Salem) which, by the way, don’t you think it’s time? (back to the audience) They have taken over!! Everything is QVC, Overstock.com, Apple and Amazon! We’re nothing but mindless shopping carts; fodder for the corporate consumer machine!!!

SALEM

A little Norma Rae (or some other hystrionic femme
fatale), don’t you think?

(beat)

(There is a loud knock at the door which jolts them both into action. They scramble to throw on their clothes; dark pants, dark turtle necks. They pull themselves together and answer the door calmly. Mr. Charringcross, the proprietor of the place is standing smiling at them.)

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Hello Mr. and Mrs… Smith. How are you this evening?

SALEM AND JUNIE

Fine!

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

I brought you a little something. Compliments of the Hotel.

JUNIE

You call this a Hotel? More like a rat infested–

SALEM

DON’T SAY RAT!! (back to Charringcross) What did you bring?

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Some smoked gouda cheese and red wine.

SALEM

Oh, my God! That’s my favorite cheese!! Is that that wine from Eurasia?

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Yes. Very rare. And, I thought you could use some new pillows.

SALEM

Wait! Are these those Comfort Revolution Cool Cerulean Bubble Hydralux Bed Pillows?

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Yes.

SALEM

With the cool, refreshing gel layers?

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Yes.

SALEM

And the premium mesh cover that’s gentle on your face?

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Yes.

SALEM

Honey, these things cradle your head and neck, allowing your muscles to fully relax as you sleep!

JUNIE

(he presents them with a little plate with cheese, two glasses and a bottle)

(he hands them two pillows)

(turning to Junie)

That’s great, honey.

SALEM

This is just what I wanted!

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Yes.

JUNIE

Thanks. We appreciate the gesture.

MR. CHARRINGCROSS

Merry Christmas.

JUNIE

Yeah, Merry Christmas, (under her breath) dipshit. (pushes Mr. Charringcross out the door)
Junie begins looking all over the room for a spy cam, a microphone, anything. Salem flops down on the floor. Laying on the pillows, he begins eating the cheese.

SALEM

Whatcha doin’, hon?

JUNIE

Don’t you get it? We’re being manipulated by the consumer machine! How do you think that guy knew just the kind of cheese you like? And the pillows?

SALEM

He’s perceptive. The website said it was full service.

JUNIE

WEBSITE!?!

SALEM

Yeah, Hotels.com. They said that, based on our profile, this would be the perfect place for us.

JUNIE

Aaaaah! I can’t believe it! (beat) Wait, you didn’t use the gold card did you?

SALEM

Yeah.

JUNIE

Noooo! We just paid that down! And now they’ve got that one on record!

SALEM

Don’t worry. I deleted my browser history.

JUNIE

Yeah, you’ve deleted both of our history’s… By the way, what were you bidding on when I came in?

SALEM

Ooo, a really nice leather-bound diary. A pregnant pause as Junie stares at Salem with her mouth wide open. There is a loud knock at the door. Salem and Junie freeze.

JUNIE

Who is it?

VOICE FROM BEYOND THE DOOR

UPS.

(Junie snaps her gaze back to Salem. He looks guilty.)

JUNIE

What have you done?

SALEM

I don’t know… (yells at the door) Who’s it from?

VOICE FROM BEYOND THE DOOR

Best Buy.

SALEM

PS2 and a 32″ flatscreen.

JUNIE

Jesus! Do you finally see? We’re doomed to live the rest of our lives like lambs for the slaughter. The corporations know what we want, they spit it out and we lap it up like little puppies.

SALEM

Don’t be so dramatic. It’s Christmas.

JUNIE

It’s the same everywhere, with everything. The cheese, the wine, PS2’s and flatscreens.

SALEM

It’s not the same. They’re totally different.

JUNIE

Oh, yeah? You tell me the difference between the PS2 outside that door and that pillow.

SALEM

(points at the pillow)

The pillow’s free. It’s Free! FREEEEEE!!

Blackout

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