TABLE FOR TWO

Directed by Anika Solvieg

Featuring: Melissa Ortiz and Christian Haines

SATURN, a former bondage club hostess.
EZRA, Saturn’s boyfriend of eleven months.
SUE, a female employee of a bondage-themed tapas bar.

(SUE is on all fours with a tablecloth and a wine list on her back and something between her teeth as a gag. There is a pillow on either side of her. EZRA and SATURN enter, dressed for a night out.)

EZRA

–it’s like when I resent the rain I feel like a terrible person. You know? I mean, it’s awful out, like, demonstrably, empirically awful, but I know we need it–I mean, the reservoir needs it, and it’s ungrateful of me to feel like…

(EZRA is trying to figure out how to politely sit down.)

SATURN

It can be both.

EZRA

What?

SATURN

The rain. Things can be bad and good at the same time.

(SATURN sits on one side of Sue. She looks at the wine list.)

EZRA

I guess they can.

SATURN

Sit down.

(EZRA sits well back from Sue.)

SATURN (continued)

Closer.

(EZRA slides his legs awkwardly under Sue.)

EZRA

(to Sue) Sorry. Excuse me.

SATURN

You want to do a bottle? They have a Temperanillo that looks good.

EZRA

I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable with this.

SATURN

I could’ve told you this was not going to be a good idea.

EZRA

I wanted it to be.

SATURN

How did you find this place?

EZRA

Groupon. I started getting all these bondage ads all over the place because I spent, like, a whole afternoon Googling some of the things you were telling me about to find out what they were. The cover charge was free. Free.

SATURN

Stop fidgeting.

EZRA

(To Sue:) I’m sorry. (To Saturn:) Did you used to do this? (Points to Sue.)

SATURN

No. I was a hostess. I wore a corset, and I took people to their various… areas.  I didn’t actually whip people or get very naked. Much. It was kind of a… I mean some of the corsets were kind of… low. Are you okay?

EZRA

Yeah.

SATURN

It was a surprisingly decent job in terms of money-to-humiliation ratio compared to other things that were available at that time.

EZRA

I know. I know. I know.

SATURN

I’m getting very angry right now. I think it’s fair to warn you.

EZRA

I’m sorry.

SATURN

I know. You can’t fucking help it. That’s what I’m getting angry about.

EZRA

I’m sorry.

SATURN

Stop saying that.

EZRA

I’m– (Stops himself.)

SATURN

When you said we were going to go somewhere special…

EZRA

What?

SATURN

I’m such a fucking idiot.

EZRA

What?

SATURN

I thought you were going to propose.

(SUE spits out her gag.)

SUE

Such an asshole.

EZRA

Is she allowed to do that?

SUE

Fuck you, asshole.

(SATURN gets up to go.)

EZRA

Saturn! Wait. I’m– Am I allowed to say “I’m sorry” again? I’m– Listen. I want that! I mean, I meant to! Sometime. I am a nervous person, you know this about me, you met me crying in a parking garage. But I love you, and I am trying my best.

SUE

This is your best?

EZRA

It’s just this one little thing, and I know it doesn’t matter at all, not even a little bit, except for what you used to do for a living freaks me out, and I thought if I could go there with you, if I could understand, then I could be fully yours without regrets. Because that’s what you deserve. I’m trying.

SUE

You just need to shut up.

EZRA

Excuse me, this is an extremely critical moment in my life and if I don’t get this right I’ll regret it forever, so no, I am not going to shut up.

SUE

Are you in love with her?

EZRA

Yes.

(SUE stands up.)

SUE

Down. Down! And hold still.

(EZRA goes down on all fours. SUE places the gag in his mouth, the tablecloth over him and the wine list back on his back. SUE and SATURN sit.)

SUE

The Temperanillo. It’s my favorite.

SATURN

Help me out. How do you deal with this kind of thing? Do you have a boyfriend?

SUE

He’s table number seven over there.

(SATURN waves to Sue’s boyfriend.)

You’re a little smudge-y.

SATURN

Damn it.

SUE

Come on. Let’s get you fixed up.

(SUE and SATURN exit to powder noses. EZRA releases the gag.)

EZRA

It’s kind of a relief. I mean… just sit here. Good core workout, probably. Not, um… Not how I thought this was going to go. This was supposed to be about me, mastering myself. Now I’m the table. But you know–I can’t own who she was. I can’t control anybody’s past. I guess all I can truly control is what I do, now, and then now, and then now. And I guess I choose… this.

(SUE and SATURN return, talking. EZRA puts the gag back in.)

SATURN

–and his parents are great, we get along most of the time–it’s just, I’m so not neurotic, I’m not sure I can deal with it.

SUE

Well, you’re too hot to put up with him if he doesn’t get his shit together.

(SUE and SATURN sit. SATURN takes the wine list and looks for the waiter.)

The calamari is fantastic, by the way.

(EZRA spits out the gag.)

EZRA

Saturn? Will you marry me?

SATURN

(Pause.) Yes. Yes I will.

(EZRA rises to his knees; they kiss passionately.)

SUE

I better get a good tip.

END OF PLAY

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