Directed by Christian Haines
Featuring Anika Solveig and Melissa Ortiz
Two teenage girls who have been close friends since childhood, Mickey and Heather, are in the new gender neutral bathroom at their high school (where there’s only one stall). Heather, the girly one, longs for the “sacred space” of the girls’ bathroom. Mickey is out as a lesbian and favors unisex bathrooms.
Heather: I think I heard someone go in there.
Mickey: Ok, that’s weird because I’m pretty sure that’s what people do when they need to go to the bathroom. You know, go into the stall?
Heather: No, I mean, it was a heavy step like it could be someone big, close to 6’4” and 200 pounds linebacker
big oh my GOD, what if it was Bryce? I’m freaking out. (starts to leave)
Mickey: Hold it a minute which way are the feet pointing?
Heather: I don’t know, the doors go all the way down now!
Mickey: Look, your anatomy midterm starts in 5 minutes and you have to pee. So go pee. I thought you said he didn’t know you existed anyway. Wait. This is actually awesome, because now you two can finally meet! ‘Hey, Bryce! I’m Heather. What’s up?’ ‘Nothin’ much. I just took a piss.’ ‘Cool. Well, great meeting you. I need to, like, go number two and flatiron my bangs, but hopefully I’ll see you in the lunch line.’
Heather: Ugh, I HATE these new bathrooms. How I am supposed to talk about anything in here if a guy
might come out and wash his hands next to me?
Mickey: Guys don’t wash their hands.
Heather: You know what I mean.
Mickey: I do. I do know what it’s like to not be able to talk about my crushes in the bathroom, because they’re usually standing two inches away from me, putting on their candysmelling lip gloss and giving me ‘I hate lesbians’ sideeye. At least in here I can hang with other dudes.
Heather: Since when are you a dude? And since when do you ‘hang with other dudes’?
Mickey: Haven’t I shown you this? (goes to pull out a fake penis, but Heather stops her)
Heather: Jesus, Mickey! Keep that in your pants. And it doesn’t make you a dude it makes you a hot lesbian who’s packing.
Mickey: Sorry, I thought you’d want to see it. It’s totally realistic. And lavender.
Heather: That’s the thing, those don’t belong in a girls’ bathroom! I need to DISCUSS those in here. Without their owners present. And…oh shit…they took out the freaking tampon machine? That’s it. I’m starting a petition.
Mickey: So you prefer a girls’ bathroom scene from some ancient 80s movie, with girls named Heather talking about how they’re gonna off the non-Heathers, to a utopian bathroom where all genders can flow in and out seamlessly? Where everyone’s pee can flow freely? I’m happy to give up urinals for that.
Heather: You don’t pee in urinals.
Mickey: That’s not the point.
Heather: Then what is the point? Of taking emergency pads away from us, taking the troughs they like to pee in away from them, and making all of us mingle awkwardly in a place where we should NEVER CROSS PATHS?
Mickey: (examining her face in the mirror) Do you remember in third grade when I tried to be a boy?
Heather: You came over, walked straight past me to my brothers’ room, and then slept over in their extra bunk in a Star Wars sleeping bag. And then you were in the fort with them the next day and you guys wouldn’t let me in. I wanted to come up but you said Princess Leia was not allowed on the Death Star. (pause) That’s the week I tore down my lace curtains and tried to stuff my pink bedspread in the trash can can because I thought you’d like me again if I didn’t have that stuff. It made me HATE being a girl. So yeah, I pretty much remember.
Mickey: Shit. Really? You never told me about any of that.
Heather: Whatever, it was a long time ago.
Mickey: Oh. Well, your brothers were cool and let me into their fort. And my parents were cool, they let me wear my soccer shorts every day
Heather: and cut off your Rapunzel hair…
Mickey:But then I tried using the boys’ bathroom at school.
Heather: God. Now I remember.
Mickey: And I was like, ‘But Mickey’s a boy’s name!’ and they screamed ‘Get out, freak!’ and chased me to the edge of the field where no teachers could see. And right when they were about to beat the shit out of me
Heather:The sprinklers went off. And they all ran. Kevin and Alex came to class crying because their
pants were soaked. Real life, full force deus ex machina poetic playground JUSTICE!
Heather: Oh yeah. Except you still couldn’t go in there.
Mickey: And the principal called my parents to say I had to either stick to the girls’ bathroom or see apsychiatrist. Such amazing options! That my behavior was abnormal and made the other kidsfeel unsafe. And get this…no mention of the attack mob either. Bitch had the nerve to say THEY felt unsafe! And I swear Mrs. Cosgrove had her own tranny secret with those manhands and super veiny forearms…freakin’ hypocrite…
Heather: (listening distractedly, applying lipstick) Yeah, she did have really broad shoulders, didn’t she. Which reminds me, I came in here to ask you something…I don’t actually have to pee, I went last night…but I can’t because Bryce is still in there. What the hell is he doing?
Mickey: Oh, it’s nothing. I’m really sorry the guy you want to bang after the dance might have just overheard me say that. Must be really hard for you.
Heather: Mickey! I’m sorry…I get it. I mean, ok I don’t. It’s not like I don’t care. I just feel weird, like…I’m in the wrong bathroom. (pause) Oh.
Mickey: I would call you the world’s biggest dumbass if suddenly I forgot you were my first kiss who didn’t spit and run away crying.
Mickey: Don’t even worry (gesturing toward stall) he’ll wanna hear all about it. Just tell me what’s up we’re
gonna be late. Plus, if that dude was ever in there to begin with, I think he’s dead now.
Heather: (whispering) I just wanted to know if you thought I should ask HIM out. You know, turn the tables.
Take the reins. Take the bull by the Mickey I’m the queen of gender normative behavior, so yeah, you should wait by the phone painting your nails and eating diet pills. Duh, ask him out.
Heather: Did you even study? I think I’m gonna fail. I wonder if it’s hard.
Mickey: I’m gonna ask Bryce. (yelling) Yo Bryce! Is it hard? You need a hand in there? My friendHeather’s really good at anatomy…she’s getting an A plus! Dude, just give us a sign (pounds on door, which swings open to reveal an empty stall)
Heather: Oh. Oh well. (one last check in mirror) Am I good?
Mickey: You look amazing. Does my dick look natural?
Heather: Yeah. I think it’s supposed to be on the left, though.