Directed by Christian Haines

With Nicole Slovinec, Mariah Castle and Michael Catlett

Brett (a man) is standing next to a row of sinks in a very fancy bathroom. He is a bathroom attendant. There are a number of baskets and bowls containing items that cannot be seen by the audience. He is dressed in a suit with a bow tie.  After a few seconds, Blair and Bailey enter talking. Bailey doesn’t notice the attendant. She walks right past him and into a bathroom stall as she’s talking to Blair. Blair walks over next to the attendant and continues the conversation while fixing her hair, freshening her makeup, putting on lotion, etc. all with the help of the attendant.

BAILEY:
I told him, “no, you are not going to stamp my hand. I’m not a cow to be branded!”

BLAIR:
You’re kidding! I can’t believe you.

BAILEY:
He was a sleaze-ball. I didn’t want him to touch me but I didn’t want to embarrass him either. I mean, he’s just doing his job.

BLAIR:
So you can’t leave now.

BAILEY:
Yeah, and I can’t buy drinks either so you’ll have to be my cocktail waitress.

BLAIR:
But I’m the designated driver.

BAILEY:
Exactly.

BLAIR:
How did I get so lucky?

BAILEY:
Come on. I’ll be DD next time… do you have a tampon?
(Baileys hand sticks out as if from under a bathroom stall door. Blair motions to the attendant. He grabs a tampon from one of the baskets on the table and hands it to Bailey.)

BAILEY:
Thanks. Jesus, I’m hemorrhaging like a stuck pig.

BLAIR:
Looks like someone won’t be getting any tonight.

BAILEY:
Like I’d want to. I’m so bloated the wasteband of my granny panties are making creases you could drive a truck through.

BLAIR:
You could have stayed home.

BAILEY:
No. I needed to get out. Besides, maybe I’ll meet some hot guy and make him think that I won’t sleep with him on the first date.

BLAIR:
You mean pretend you’re not such a scuba slut?

BAILEY:
Glug, Glug.

BLAIR:
Sounds like the start of a meaningful relationship.

BAILEY:
It could be. You remember what’s-her-name? The one with the bad hair and the tattoo that looked like a chimp?

BLAIR:
Yeah.

BAILEY:
She slept with anyone with a pulse. One night right after a bikini wax, she met some guy and didn’t want him to see her runway burns so she didn’t sleep with him. They were married six months later.

BLAIR:
Sounds like a fairy tale.

BAILEY:
Of course, she found out he was married and had a family in Bakersfield but…

BLAIR:
A minor detail.
(A loud fart comes from the stall. Brett pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the air.)

BAILEY:
Oh, yeah! That helps. You know, I’m not really a slut. Sluts do it for nothing. I need a little wining and dining before I give it up. I guess that really makes me more of a high class… (Brett anticipates Bailey’s needs and stands ready with a paper towel. Bailey steps out of the stall adjusting herself and see’s Brett the attendant.  She is shocked and nearly falls over.)
…whooo are you and what are you doing in the women’s bathroom?!?!

(Blair and Brett both look at each other then back to Bailey.)

BLAIR:
Didn’t you see the sign when we came in? It’s unisex.

BAILEY:
What?!?!

BLAIR:
The bathroom; it’s unisex.

BAILEY:
I thought that meant, like one sex at a time!

BLAIR:
How would that work? There’s no lock on the door.

BAILEY:
I don’t know… maybe he could be stationed outside the door?

BLAIR:
Come on, don’t be such a prude. It’s the 21st century.

BAILEY:
How can you be so blaise about this?

BLAIR:
Bailey, what’s the problem?

BAILEY:
Why can’t he be a she? That’s sexist!

BRETT:
Brooke comes on at nine.

BLAIR:
See? This place is an equal opportunity night club. (to Brett) She get’s paid the same, right?

BRETT:
She get’s paid more. She’s been here longer. And she gets bigger tips.

BLAIR:
BAM! Forty acres and a mule!!

BAILEY:
I don’t care. This flies in the face of tradition. For centuries women have been excusing themselves to go into the bathroom to talk about things they didn’t want to talk about in front of men. This is our sanctuary!

BLAIR:
Women were also traditionally serving wenches and cocktail waitresses getting their asses grabbed and cleavage oggled. Now we can make our own traditions. (to Brett) What’s your name, sweet-cheeks?

BRETT:
Brett, ma’am.

BLAIR:
Brett, honey, squirt me some of that lotion.
(She puts her hand out.)

BRETT:
Yes, ma’am
(Brett picks up a lotion bottle. and squirts some lotion on Blair’s hand.)

BLAIR:
Don’t stop there; finish me.
(Brett very sheepishly begins massaging the lotion into her hands as Bailey watches dumbstruck.)

BLAIR:
See, Bailey? It’s a new world!

BAILEY:
I don’t want a new world. The old one worked fine.

BLAIR:
You want to break through that glass ceiling? You can’t have it both ways. Slap Brett’s ass!

BAILEY:
What?

BLAIR:
Smack his little Tuchus!!

BAILEY:
That’s ridiculous! He doesn’t want me to slap his butt.

BRETT:
No, it’s really o.k. as long as you tip.
(He turns his butt towards Bailey.)

BAILEY:
No!

BLAIR:
Look at him. He’s cute, in a clearly subservient position and he’s almost begging you to chap his heinie.

BRETT:
I’ll beg for an extra 10 bucks.

BAILEY:
So, what you’re saying is that it’s okay for the men and women to start humiliating and subjugating the opposite sex as long as it goes both ways?

BLAIR:
As long as it goes every way. Spank me baby!
(She stands over by Brett.)

BAILEY:
You’re insane!
(Bailey storms off.)

BLAIR:
(calling after her) Does this get me off the hook as designated driver?

BAILEY:
You betcha!!

BLAIR:
I guess that leaves you and me, champ.

BRETT:
I guess so.

BLAIR:
What time do you get off?

BRETT:
Nine.

BLAIR:
Do you have a condom?

(Brett grabs a large bowl from the counter and holds it in front of Blair. She looks inside.)

BLAIR:
Ooooo! Such amazing options!

Black Out

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